"The Stroke of Midnight"

A day ends and a new day begins in a split second. The tick of the clock is counting down what remains with no regards. It never ceases. I am alone. My mind is awake. My body is in some pain but only a little, from age I guess. My heart is empty yet full because I have no one to pour it out to. Does that even make sense? Forty years ago I would never have imagined that I am where I am this night. But who really knows how their life will be like even within the next second, much less decades into the future? It could very well end in less than a snap of your fingers.

I find my way. I reach goal after goal. Sometimes it’s the most difficult task and I get discouraged. I have even given up a time or two. But I move forward just like the hands on that damn clock. I can lie down at night sometimes and that’s the only thing I hear, that damn clock. It’s a constant reminder that for me time is going backwards. It’s coming to a close. Until that moment comes, I want to live. I want to do things I have never done. I want to meet people I have never met. I want to see things I have never seen. I want my mind to be rocked, my heart to overflow from grandchildren. I want to walk a mile in your shoes. I want to dream more dreams. I want to hear music. I want to write. I don’t want a “bucket list”. I want a “Fuck it, I’m doing it” list. Most of all, I want to be in love again.

"Stability In Life...For My Sons"

Stability, that’s what we all crave, like a deep seated hunger to belong, to be wanted and/or needed. If we have that in our lives, everything else chaotic seems lessened and life is less stressful. I have been keeping an eye on my youngest son for the last few years. I have watched him go through things that aren’t normal for any young person. I have watched him sit quietly and I knew he was thinking about his life, which is a normal thing to do for us all. I could feel his pain of no real companion in his life. I could see it in his eyes how he longed for such a partner that would accept him exactly the way he is and he never pretended to be anyone else. I also knew that under that rough and sometimes rude façade that there was a heart of gold ready to be shared.

We all have a deep burning desire to be a part of someone other than ourselves. Although we are solitarily complete, we are incomplete until we have that someone. If we were meant to be alone there would have never been more than one.

I have also kept a watchful eye on my oldest son. He also had his share of life problems. As it goes sometimes, it took a couple of tries before he found someone that loves him for who he is. They are no exception to the rule that we all have to find our way. Sometimes I wonder if it is wise to wish to be young again with no worries or cares but we all know that is bullshit. Being young has its challenges and some are insurmountable. We learn to cope as we age.

Father’s Day in just around the corner. I often think about that role I have taken on, by choice, and I wonder if I have actually done as good a job as I had always hoped I would do. I may never know the real answer until I am in my final days or even hours. But I will know in my heart before it’s all said and done.

If I could leave my sons any one piece of advice that would benefit them more than any other it would be to be brothers in the true sense of the word. It doesn’t matter what has happened between siblings. When love is there for one another, there is nothing to keep them estranged..NOTHING! I guess if I had to define success as a parent it would be that their children love one another as no other. That’s where love for others is truly born. If as a parent your children have done that, to me personally, that is success. I love you both with all my heart, Tony and Robby. I simply love you!