"Letting Go"

Letting go of someone who has your heart is the most painful experience one can go through, even more painful in knowing that it can never be. I sit here, gazing into nowhere, and I see my heartbeat in the corner of my eye through the tear drop that slowly rolls down my cheek. Yes, it hurts but it has to be done. It’s never always about you.

"My Time, My Life"

My home is not a mansion on a hilltop. It's a seedy hotel suite that’s been converted into an apartment of sorts. I haven’t had a permanent address in five years. I don’t eat at the finest restaurants. My meals consist of some fast foods when I can afford it and cold-cuts sandwiches with no lettuce or tomato. But I work for everything I have.

What I do own, I can haul in the back of my Jimmy. It’s been a most trusted friend the last four years so I try my best to keep it maintained and healthy. It’s the most valuable thing I do own. It has taken me across many state lines and back again. I have added 100,000 miles to it since I bought it and it is paid for. I hope I will be able to make it last at least another 100,000 miles before it gives up the ghost. If it makes 300,000 miles, I will be happy to retire it.

I am alone. I have very few true friends but that’s all I have ever needed. So, I am not lonely. They accept me as I am and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. I do have my youngest son with me temporarily, until he can make it on his own. But I will always be there for him as well as his older brother. My youngest has been my project for quite some time now. I feel at times that I am raising myself with him. He has followed just about every footstep I have ever taken when I was at his age.

My life is and has been in limbo for a long time now. Maybe it’s the unfinished business that I have and have yet to discover that keeps it that way, like my youngest son. I sometimes wonder about that; why? My wants and needs have become second place in so many ways and at so many times the last few years. But that’s ok, I reckon. It’s what fathers are supposed to do.

But I do want my time, my life. God knows I do. I want love. I want a relationship with someone. I am tired of being alone, of being single. I don’t want to be alone in these latter years of my life and I am not getting any younger. What’s left of my “youth” is fading fast. If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself, you know?

One day, I will wake up every morning next to the woman of my dreams. At least I hope I do. Just one wonderful woman is all I want for my life. I want a permanent address. I want, not a mansion on a hilltop, neither do I want to remain in a seedy hotel room. I want a home, not a house. My prayers are simple; for simple things. Wealth has always escaped me so I have no real desire for that. Just a simple life with someone that I love and that loves me equally in return is all I desire.

"Bent or Broken?"

It’s about 1am on a Monday morning and I am relaxing for a little bit before retiring for the night and I got to thinking after reading an e-mail. Yeah, I do think from time to time. A wonderful friend spoke of being broken, metaphorically, and I couldn’t help but think about that word and the context in which it was spoken. Broken! Wow, what can one say about this word? I understand completely what my friend was saying, and I understand why. We know enough about each other’s history to be able to understand each other and that’s a very good thing.

So, bent or broken? Which one depicts a more profound message? Both have this and both are an example of positive thinking so the answer would be left to the individual, I reckon. But as friends do, we lift each other up as high as we can. We share our experiences and sometimes, fearfully, because of what someone else may think, even some of our closest friends. That’s just raw human nature and not much, if anything, can change that. To be accepted in spite of it all is inherent in all of us. We all crave that.

So, in my thinking that I do from time to time, I try to think outside the sphere because there is always more than one way look at things and I strive to be more positive; not to feel superior in any way because I selflessly share these ideas and my closest friends know my motives. Again, that’s a very good thing. I share my ideas and sometimes, someone might agree and even when we don’t, we still accept that that’s just the way it is and that’s so cool to me. That’s so much more than a token friendship. Damn, that’s a lot of “that’s” in that paragraph.

Now, I got off track so back to the subject. I like to think being bent is to be just that, only bent, and you can “mold” yourself back into shape again and even allowing ones who give a real shit to help in that reforming. This doesn’t mean I am the only one right. It means that being broken can be just as right and just as profound. It’s all in how you look at things once you have experienced and reflected on your own life experiences.