November 23, 2023

Middle Age

Today is Thanksgiving. There's not a lot going on in my household. It's basically SOSDD. It's in the air, though. It's quiet. It's a time of reflection, if you dare. We have all heard of the middle age crisis but has anyone ever tried to define it or determined a timeline for it? For myself, I have come to the conclusion that middle age is when you begin looking backwards in time rather than forward. Before this point in time, we are engulfed in thoughts of the future; our dreams, our goals, or what's really important in our lives. Now we still look back on our memories, but for inspiration. As time slowly marches on the > turns into <. 

As life goes, we are left with more questions than answers like, have we made a difference? As miniscule as we may seem to be in this world, we do have a legacy. What's mine? What's yours? What would your epitaph be?  Did we grow? Were we stagnant? Was it ALL worth it? 

For this moment, I choose to measure worth from the people around me. Their feedback tells me everything I need to know. I still do stupid shit. I still say stupid shit. That will probably never change, at least until someone puts me in my place. But mentally, I'm in pretty good shape, considering what my body has been through the last 6 years or so. Because of that, I can still look forward with hopes and dreams, and more opportunities. My hopes? My dreams? Yes, they are still very important to me. At times I feel that's all I have left. 

The last few weeks my mind has been so active and chaotic, at best. Countless ideas and questions have flooded my mind, sometimes having an adverse effect on my spirit. Although I try to be an open book, some thoughts or ideas I keep so secret and so deeply buried they will go with me to my grave. But through it all and after it's all said and done, I have felt more love in my heart now than I ever have. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because I have had more time to "cultivate". I am deeply grateful for everyone I have known, both past and present. Treat people the way you want to be treated, It's not always easy but that's my golden rule. It works for me. It keeps me looking forward. 

WHAT'S NEXT?

It's 2:35 in the morning and my mind is so damn busy so sleep is out of the question. I was asked the other day if I had written anything lately and I hadn't, not for over seven years. I'm not sure why that is. It just is. My philosophy has simplified over the years and that can have a lot to do with why. Eleven or twelve years ago when I was writing the most, I had a lot of free time on my hands as well as a lot on my mind. Now, free time is a premium that's become very expensive. Yet, I have wasted a great deal of it. Shame on me!

Life's road has been ladened with a lot of curves and I have had to slow down in order to navigate my ways in a safe manner. I spend more of my time nowadays interacting with people than I have in a very long time. I have become known to some as "Grandpa", which I don't mind really. The point is I have become someone to someone and that's ok too. I wouldn't have it any other way. I have felt love from so many folks and that has been a huge motivator to keep rolling on and that pace has become steady. I have had some peace and that is a very good thing for me. 

But, what's next? I honestly haven't the foggiest idea. I still have wants. I still have needs. I still have dreams. I still have goals. The big question is do I still have time? Again, I haven't the foggiest idea. Motivation has evaporated for some of the goals I had set earlier in my life mainly because I'm just getting too old for this shit. But that doesn't mean I have shelved those goals. I will always have hope. I will always have faith in myself.