WRONG WAY

If I have learned anything of value over the years, it's to ask myself one question when things happen, whether they be good or bad; Is there anything that I could have done or said differently to cause a better outcome? I learned that I have had control all along in countless situations, barring life-changing events. Every action taken; every word spoken has influence. Sound decisions need to be made but not without a lot of thought and questions with answers. I try to be ever mindful of everyone I interact with. I'm not always successful. 

I remember when I was a young child, not even in my teens yet, starting my morning walk to school, and many times I would just change direction and skip school that day, all day. My mind would allow my curiosity to take control and I would just explore. I would walk up and down the local strip malls in the neighborhood just checking things out, nothing in particular. I didn't want to learn from school those days. I wanted to learn from life. And learn I did. 

I did some dumb ass shit when I was a kid, as a teen, and as an adult, many times. I still do dumb shit, just not as often. Experience and "wisdom" has made dumb shit less attractive. When I do catch myself headed in the wrong direction, though, I have to remind myself that I do influence others, that I have an effect on others, as insignificant as that may sound. After some time, I come to my senses, I tap the breaks, and I come to a complete stop. I backup to regroup. One of my many flaws is I am always asking myself what if instead of what will. That's not a bad thing in and of itself but if left unchecked, there could be unwanted repercussions. 

I can be very passionate when it comes to how I care for others, almost to a fault and it has caused heartache at times because I confuse myself. I get "lost in the moment" and suck all the air from the room. That's not good for anyone. I never wish to lose a friendship. I never wish to cause discomfort. Life is challenging enough. As my experience and wisdom expands with time, my true wish and my deepest desire is to watch those I care deeply about to be happy for themselves, with less worries and more peace of mind, and to know, find, and have their hearts desire. 

Moving Forward...

I have had a lot on my mind lately. I can see changes coming and know how some will play out and some will be mysterious until revealed. I have already made decisions that will help make these changes less difficult. It's not easy when you have developed a routine that has worked over the years. But when you see changes coming, you need to be ready, or you won't achieve your desired results. Fear will be by your side every step of the way, so I think I will hold its hand so the fear will know I'm in control.

Throughout the last ten years or so, I have met and worked with some really good people, every one of them of a totally different generation. I always forget my age and that could bite me in the ass one day, but oh well. It won't be the first time I have had my ass chewed. Anyway, these folks come and go from your life, and they move on to, for the most part, bigger and better things. I have come to really enjoy watching these folks do better for themselves. I have watched young men become family men and honorably, may I add. I have watched young women become first time mothers, set goals, and achieve them. The most of them have grown to become responsible adults. That's very good!

My future? That remains to be seen and experienced. I know I have a lot to do but the idea of actually accepting these changes and making them happen is scary, to say the least. I have always had the problem of not thinking I am as old as I really am. That is my greatest change I need to make. The issue with that is I have always been this way and I'm not sure if I can change my ways of thinking. Physically I am changing and have changed. Mentally, not so much. I just can't seem to grasp the differences in the two. 

There are still things I want in life. Whether I have these is unknown to me. I don't want pity nor petty. I want real not fake. I want love! Pure and simple, love. I have had battles in my life that some have lost, but I have overcome. I am forever grateful for that. It gives me hope. It gives me peace. 

These changes I see on the way, well, it's not for the faint of heart. I will require courage. I will require stamina. I will require a strong mind. All of these I have. I will need to change some of my own habits. But the most difficult is the ability to believe that I am worth it. I truly think that the one thing that causes folks to not reach certain goals is that they feel they aren't worth it. They most often think that they need reassurance from others, or they think they can't do anything without someone being by their side as a cheering squad. Nothing wrong in that fundamentally. But you need to believe that you can do things on your own.