"The Sheep in Wolf's Clothing"

Sort of a strange way of putting this old metaphor, isn’t it? There is always a different way of looking at things; another side of the coin. We all have heard the reversal of this and we all understand it’s meaning, but what about turning it around one hundred eighty degrees? What then? What do you think? What about the folks who are true to this metaphorical life style? Do we count them out from the beginning? Can they exist? Hell, do they exist?

I speak of those people who are outwardly and brutally honest. Most would think it is pure arrogance (and sometimes it is) that drives their personalities. Some even fear them and most fears are caused by the lack of knowledge and/or understanding. We fear what we don’t know. On the inside, these rare gems truly care and they can be the gentlest of human beings you can ever meet. It only takes time and an open mind to see this.

I have the utmost respect for these wonderful people. It takes an astounding amount of courage to be as they are. I have no clue as to why they are the way they are. More than likely it is a culmination of many experiences that has taught them that it is the right thing for them to be. If one is confronted by one of these rocks of truth and is troubled by what they may say, again, more than likely, there is a reason for that. They have a knack of stirring the soul and uplifting the spirit, if they are allowed to.

So, I say, allow them to. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Open your mind to new ideas and wisdoms that may come your way. Who knows? You may learn a thing or two about your own self. Allow yourself to get a closer look inside the heart and mind of this sheep in wolf’s clothing.

"When Is It Gonna Become Ok To Be Myself?"

My son posted this question on his Facebook wall early this morning. I think it is a question everyone of us has asked ourselves at one point in our own lives and quite possibly more than once. Ridicule and condescending attitudes towards each other is a major cause for asking ourselves this question, along with our own lack of knowledge of who we really are and who we are wanting to become is another.

The truth is we know who we are by our own beliefs or convictions. We live by these beliefs and convictions because we learn them from our own experiences. These experiences we go through cause us to re-evaluate and make changes. Change is inevitable and to change for the better is necessary for true growth. It’s all a part of growing up and I think none of us really ever grow up because we never stop learning until we leave this earth.

People, they are all around us and there is no getting away from them. But we do have a choice of who we desire to be around us. Surround yourself with those who truly accept you as you are, but will never lie to you, even if the truth is harsh. But remember the truth is in the heart of the beholder. What truth that may pertain to someone else, may not to you. Surround yourself with those who will build you up and help you to make those changes for the better. It’s good for the spirit. It’s good for the soul.

"Taking A Day Off"

I decided to take a much needed day off from work. It’s October 7th and the last day off I have had was September 5th. Yesterday was a bitch of a day and I was afraid that if I had gone to work today, someone would lose their job; probably me. I remained pissed off most of the night last night and I just didn’t want to deal with that this day.

I really do not enjoy being treated like some child who needs to be told more than once what needs to be done. I realize the pressures that can come with being management and that getting the job done is priority one. But to not show some respect to those who management actually depends on to get the job done just doesn’t make sense. I believe it is detrimental to achieving the goals that have been set forth. “You can get more from a horse with sugar than you can salt.”

When I am at work, my work is what I think about. I don’t fuck off, especially when fucking off is not an option. I take pride in my work in that if I can’t put my name on it, then why bother doing it in the first place? I have always been that way. I guess I am a perfectionist, but that’s just me.

I work my ass off every day I work. And to be treated as I was yesterday after working so long without time off and giving my best…well, I just don’t give a rat’s ass how things go for them today. I just don’t. They can survive without me for one day, I think. I come so very close to telling this person who was so disrespectful towards me what I really thought of her. But, I held my tongue. This is twice now that this has happened from this same person. It also happened three times from one other person. The third time, I let him have it. He and I now have come to an understanding and we get along just fine. This other person has one more time.

"Sticks and Stones"

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” It’s a childhood phrase for the most of us; a self-defense mechanism to help ease the pain of hurtful words, because words do hurt, deeply. Although I know it shouldn’t, it still amazes me how adults can spew out words that cause the deepest pain possible, especially to those they “love or care about”; how judgmental they can be towards others without the slightest attempt at looking into the mirror or remembering how these others have been there for them in the past.

"Letting Go"

Letting go of someone who has your heart is the most painful experience one can go through, even more painful in knowing that it can never be. I sit here, gazing into nowhere, and I see my heartbeat in the corner of my eye through the tear drop that slowly rolls down my cheek. Yes, it hurts but it has to be done. It’s never always about you.

"My Time, My Life"

My home is not a mansion on a hilltop. It's a seedy hotel suite that’s been converted into an apartment of sorts. I haven’t had a permanent address in five years. I don’t eat at the finest restaurants. My meals consist of some fast foods when I can afford it and cold-cuts sandwiches with no lettuce or tomato. But I work for everything I have.

What I do own, I can haul in the back of my Jimmy. It’s been a most trusted friend the last four years so I try my best to keep it maintained and healthy. It’s the most valuable thing I do own. It has taken me across many state lines and back again. I have added 100,000 miles to it since I bought it and it is paid for. I hope I will be able to make it last at least another 100,000 miles before it gives up the ghost. If it makes 300,000 miles, I will be happy to retire it.

I am alone. I have very few true friends but that’s all I have ever needed. So, I am not lonely. They accept me as I am and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. I do have my youngest son with me temporarily, until he can make it on his own. But I will always be there for him as well as his older brother. My youngest has been my project for quite some time now. I feel at times that I am raising myself with him. He has followed just about every footstep I have ever taken when I was at his age.

My life is and has been in limbo for a long time now. Maybe it’s the unfinished business that I have and have yet to discover that keeps it that way, like my youngest son. I sometimes wonder about that; why? My wants and needs have become second place in so many ways and at so many times the last few years. But that’s ok, I reckon. It’s what fathers are supposed to do.

But I do want my time, my life. God knows I do. I want love. I want a relationship with someone. I am tired of being alone, of being single. I don’t want to be alone in these latter years of my life and I am not getting any younger. What’s left of my “youth” is fading fast. If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself, you know?

One day, I will wake up every morning next to the woman of my dreams. At least I hope I do. Just one wonderful woman is all I want for my life. I want a permanent address. I want, not a mansion on a hilltop, neither do I want to remain in a seedy hotel room. I want a home, not a house. My prayers are simple; for simple things. Wealth has always escaped me so I have no real desire for that. Just a simple life with someone that I love and that loves me equally in return is all I desire.

"Bent or Broken?"

It’s about 1am on a Monday morning and I am relaxing for a little bit before retiring for the night and I got to thinking after reading an e-mail. Yeah, I do think from time to time. A wonderful friend spoke of being broken, metaphorically, and I couldn’t help but think about that word and the context in which it was spoken. Broken! Wow, what can one say about this word? I understand completely what my friend was saying, and I understand why. We know enough about each other’s history to be able to understand each other and that’s a very good thing.

So, bent or broken? Which one depicts a more profound message? Both have this and both are an example of positive thinking so the answer would be left to the individual, I reckon. But as friends do, we lift each other up as high as we can. We share our experiences and sometimes, fearfully, because of what someone else may think, even some of our closest friends. That’s just raw human nature and not much, if anything, can change that. To be accepted in spite of it all is inherent in all of us. We all crave that.

So, in my thinking that I do from time to time, I try to think outside the sphere because there is always more than one way look at things and I strive to be more positive; not to feel superior in any way because I selflessly share these ideas and my closest friends know my motives. Again, that’s a very good thing. I share my ideas and sometimes, someone might agree and even when we don’t, we still accept that that’s just the way it is and that’s so cool to me. That’s so much more than a token friendship. Damn, that’s a lot of “that’s” in that paragraph.

Now, I got off track so back to the subject. I like to think being bent is to be just that, only bent, and you can “mold” yourself back into shape again and even allowing ones who give a real shit to help in that reforming. This doesn’t mean I am the only one right. It means that being broken can be just as right and just as profound. It’s all in how you look at things once you have experienced and reflected on your own life experiences.