"Awakened"...

For the last few weeks I have awakened to something, more like a thought…”WOW! I have awakened…again!” I haven’t quite made sense of this just yet. For the last couple of years or so, all of my writings have been inspired by life, or the drama that sometimes comes along with it; lack of work, independence, and at times a lack of hope that things will get better. It’s not like I go to sleep thinking that I won’t wake up the next morning. I don’t. I find myself thinking or trying to remember the dreams I had during the night and glad that I actually did dream, like it was a miracle or something. I just can’t make sense of it all.

What I do know is that I am very grateful that I do wake up every day. My life is finally going somewhere at a steady pace. I have plans. I have goals. I have hope. I have always had all of these things but there is something very different about these now. It’s all of these things that have kept me going on, even at my lowest point. But I am no longer in limbo. I see a rise in my eyes as I begin to stand taller on my feet and it is very good.

Maybe these thoughts I have upon awakening every morning are a bit of skepticism, a fear that something will happen and my house of cards will all come crashing down. I just can’t put my finger on it. I know I can’t rush. I still have to take time, pace myself. That will somewhat insure that the tangibles will fall into place. But what about the intangibles, the matters of the heart, the things we have no real control over?

"Justice Has Been Served?"

Justice has been served? I speak of the killing of Osama Bin Laden. I'm not so sure justice is ever really served. The pain still remains and will remain. Is justice only a temporary illusion, a temporary peace of mind, or simply some form of closure? The pain we feel is because of the love we have. That will never change, unless we do, and I hope we don't!

"After It’s All Said and Done"

As we approach the tenth anniversary of September 11 the most of us need no reminder. We have not forgotten and never will. It was a time that remains forever in memories and history. As I write this, I wonder just how history books have documented that day and what is being taught the children in the schools. But does that really matter? Of course it does matter but if the truth hasn’t come out by now it probably never will.

Osama Bin Laden is long gone, believed to be the perpetrator of 9/11. Has justice been served? I doubt it. The pain still remains because of the love we have for those lost on that day. So it really doesn’t matter how it happened or even why. It just did. I have my own personal beliefs as to what probably happened and why on that day but even my own thoughts have no real relevance.

What really matters is that we live on in a way that will honor those lost so that their lives can never be for nothing. The innocence, the bravery, the fear of knowing, the unity in chaos that we all experienced on that day; these emotions can only foster good if we allow them to. We have the freedom to believe anything or idea that has evolved as a result of 9/11 and that is what really matters to me. I can only hope anyone person who had or persons who have the power to cause such an event to take place will one day think about their deeds on their death beds and realized how fucked up their lives have been. But then, will it really matter?

"My Daily Dime"....

I haven’t written anything in a long while maybe because I haven’t had a lot to bitch about lately which has been a very good thing. To be quite frank, I am not sure I can say anything worth reading but I am going to give it my best shot. It’s just when things are going according to plan or better, you don’t take the time to concentrate on anything negative. You just roll with it!

Some time ago, going on six to eight years or so, I practically went through about two years were I would find a dime somewhere in our house. I would find them on the floor, usually in places you wouldn’t think of finding anything at all of value. I often wondered why this phenomenon was taking place and I still wonder to this day because it is happening again. I can safely say I have found more dimes than pennies in my lifetime. I haven’t decided if it’s a good or bad omen. Maybe it just is. What I do know is in the time past of my daily dime, life was very good. I was with or near family, I was employed, and was fairly content with the way my life had turned out and headed. I was pretty much on top of my world.

Life can be a road side disaster waiting to happen with all of the twists and turns with no guard rails to keep you between and out of the ditches and every once in a while, we do leave the road. Sometimes the damage is minor and sometimes chaotic at best and you spend so much time trying to fix things until you can get back on the road again and most of that time is spent trying to figure out how. Eventually you succeed and you are on your merry way to your original destination.

If I had to describe the meaning or the reasoning behind my daily dime it would be that good things don’t always come at once, unlike life’s little crashes we experience. It’s always about picking up the pieces of your broken life and putting it back together as best you can and hopefully leaving no scars or pieces behind. I have never concerned myself of whether or not these daily dimes were found on heads or tails, just that they were there for me to find. Take value in every piece for each one has its own place in the puzzle that when put together, makes a whole. These pieces can be family, friends or simple acquaintances that we happen to meet along the road. Their value is incomparable to any inanimate object we may have lost in the crash. I am forever grateful for my daily dimes.

"Living in Limbo, Texas"

Limbo, Texas, population…God only knows! There is no such place but there should be. Maybe I will make it happen. I could only imagine how many people would actually come to live there. I would promote the town as a temporary stopping place while your lives get back on track and moving along again.

I would have a “Limbo Corner Grocery” where I would really have to watch what comes in and goes out. I wouldn’t want spoiled product on the shelves from setting there so damn long. I could have a convenience store called “Limbo Come-N-Go” for those who just happen to be only passing through. What about a bar? Hmm…I would probably name it “The Lower Bar”, thinking that once you had your fill, you could actually crawl beneath it easily, without touching it, the bar that is. I would also have a “Limbo Public Library” for those who really want to go on with their lives by offering free WIFI or for those who really could give a shit about their situation and want to just have a good read.

Living in limbo would be stressful at times. Of course our neighbors would be a bit cranky at times. But all in all, I would do my best to make a great place to “visit” for a spell. God knows, I wouldn’t want any permanent residences there, not even for myself. Yeah! Living in Limbo, Texas would be an unforgettable experience for most. I would make sure of it. I know I will never forget my time in Limbo, Texas.

But, I must say that even so Limbo, Texas has been a bitch, and will continue to be so until I get out, I have met some mighty fine folks here that have been so good to me and so much help in just being there, and I hope I have been the same to them. Maybe one day you will Google Limbo, Texas on a map and it will be there with all of the information from Wikipedia. If so, I will see you there!

"The Stroke of Midnight"

A day ends and a new day begins in a split second. The tick of the clock is counting down what remains with no regards. It never ceases. I am alone. My mind is awake. My body is in some pain but only a little, from age I guess. My heart is empty yet full because I have no one to pour it out to. Does that even make sense? Forty years ago I would never have imagined that I am where I am this night. But who really knows how their life will be like even within the next second, much less decades into the future? It could very well end in less than a snap of your fingers.

I find my way. I reach goal after goal. Sometimes it’s the most difficult task and I get discouraged. I have even given up a time or two. But I move forward just like the hands on that damn clock. I can lie down at night sometimes and that’s the only thing I hear, that damn clock. It’s a constant reminder that for me time is going backwards. It’s coming to a close. Until that moment comes, I want to live. I want to do things I have never done. I want to meet people I have never met. I want to see things I have never seen. I want my mind to be rocked, my heart to overflow from grandchildren. I want to walk a mile in your shoes. I want to dream more dreams. I want to hear music. I want to write. I don’t want a “bucket list”. I want a “Fuck it, I’m doing it” list. Most of all, I want to be in love again.

"Stability In Life...For My Sons"

Stability, that’s what we all crave, like a deep seated hunger to belong, to be wanted and/or needed. If we have that in our lives, everything else chaotic seems lessened and life is less stressful. I have been keeping an eye on my youngest son for the last few years. I have watched him go through things that aren’t normal for any young person. I have watched him sit quietly and I knew he was thinking about his life, which is a normal thing to do for us all. I could feel his pain of no real companion in his life. I could see it in his eyes how he longed for such a partner that would accept him exactly the way he is and he never pretended to be anyone else. I also knew that under that rough and sometimes rude façade that there was a heart of gold ready to be shared.

We all have a deep burning desire to be a part of someone other than ourselves. Although we are solitarily complete, we are incomplete until we have that someone. If we were meant to be alone there would have never been more than one.

I have also kept a watchful eye on my oldest son. He also had his share of life problems. As it goes sometimes, it took a couple of tries before he found someone that loves him for who he is. They are no exception to the rule that we all have to find our way. Sometimes I wonder if it is wise to wish to be young again with no worries or cares but we all know that is bullshit. Being young has its challenges and some are insurmountable. We learn to cope as we age.

Father’s Day in just around the corner. I often think about that role I have taken on, by choice, and I wonder if I have actually done as good a job as I had always hoped I would do. I may never know the real answer until I am in my final days or even hours. But I will know in my heart before it’s all said and done.

If I could leave my sons any one piece of advice that would benefit them more than any other it would be to be brothers in the true sense of the word. It doesn’t matter what has happened between siblings. When love is there for one another, there is nothing to keep them estranged..NOTHING! I guess if I had to define success as a parent it would be that their children love one another as no other. That’s where love for others is truly born. If as a parent your children have done that, to me personally, that is success. I love you both with all my heart, Tony and Robby. I simply love you!