"Days Like Today"

I hate days like today. My heart is so heavy and for the life of me I can’t know why. That only tells me that it’s a culmination of many little things that are ganging up against me. At least, that’s what it feels like. It just fucking sucks! All I want to do is curl up somewhere in a hidden place and stay there until the storm passes. And it usually does, but that doesn’t lessen the heartache I feel.

"Fortune Telling?"

I think we can all tell our own futures, or at the least act it out within our minds. I don’t mean that every detail of the future can be told. I’m not that naïve. Sometimes life is like going through a maze and you can anticipate which way to turn just with what little maze you can see in front of you, and depending how large or small the radius of any curves, is how far ahead you can see. Sometimes I wonder if I am talking about telling the future or planning it. Don’t you just love life?

"It’s Amazing How Quickly...."

Just a couple of days ago it was like a nice early spring day with abundant sunshine. Today, totally not! Overcast skies, a light northerly breeze, and four inches of snow on the ground with a quarter inch of sleet/ice beneath that. Ya gotta love Texas weather! But it is early January, so, it’s to be expected. All the mundane talk of weather does have relevance here so let’s get to the main course, shall we?

It’s amazing how quickly things can change. It only takes less than a second for things to change dramatically, for your life as well. The direction of that change surely defines the nature, good or bad? I can’t say that the changes I have been through are any worse than anyone else’s because I have seen some very sad moments for others that I don’t even want to ‘totally understand’. May God give them peace.

I have had tomorrow on my mind all day today, and the day after, and the day after that. I really can’t explain how I feel except to say that I am a little (the skepticism is still hard to shake) excited. I can look at this in two ways; one, It’s what I wanted or, two, it’s what I needed. To be honest, it isn’t what I had in mind, therefore, not what I wanted. But if I have learned anything at all in life it’s that if you give what you needed a chance, you will find it’s what you wanted all along.

"Here's To New Beginnings"

It’s a bright sunny day out but still on the nipply side. That’s ok with me because I’m warm. For the last thirty months I have been battling with unemployment and an uncertain future. I spent most of that time looking for work and going to school, so it hasn’t been without an upside. I have accomplished something and that’s always a good thing.

This coming Monday I begin a new adventure, a new job! That is something I haven’t had in such a very long time and I hope and pray to God I don’t go through the last two and one half years again. I am looking forward to this. I have to admit, at first I wasn’t. I’m still a little anxious about it. But the days between my first learning that I have the job and now has been revealing. I was tempted to keep searching for other work and I did, just not with as much gusto as I am accustomed to. I have learned to listen for that still, quiet voice, to be patient in everything. I am glad I did and still am.

So, goals must be set and plans must be made to reach those goals. God! I’m not even sure where to begin. You would think that as many times that I have had to start from scratch I would know how by now. Either way, starting all over again is never easy but it is sure better than giving up. Anyone care to join me?

"I Wonder If She Remembers?"

This girl from a lifetime ago, does she remember? If so, how much? Probably more than I really care to know. Memories of young love never leave you especially if it ended badly. I found her yesterday on Facebook. I so wanted to invite her to my page there. I wanted to talk with her to see how she is, not because I wanted to renew a spark.

I learned all I needed to know from what she revealed on her page. She has a life and it appears to be a very good one. For that I am so grateful. She deserves it! I felt it wise to leave her be. I think the last thing she needed in her life was for an old asshole of a flame to appear out of nowhere and open old wounds. Thirty three years later, I turn and walk away for the last time but not with tears, as before, and no regrets. She is alright and that’s all I really wanted to know. Question now is, am I ok? Yes, I am.

"Does Time Always Heal?"

I happened upon an old friend today. I say an old friend, but I am probably nothing more than piece of shit to her even today and rightfully so. She doesn’t know I saw her and I’m thinking it should stay that way. There are too many wounds that have yet to heal, I’m afraid, for the both of us. If they have healed, there is a shit load of scar tissue that remains after almost thirty three years, at least for me, and I am pretty sure for her as well.

Every word that I have ever written about relationships started with her, but my words were not always about her. Our engagement, our relationship was the beginning of a lifelong learning process for me and at times I still feel so inadequate, so very ignorant, and I am. We didn’t end very well at all. She was the one I wrote about in an earlier journey entry titled “A Walk to Remember”. Yes, she was the one that, well damn, I have no idea what to say now. Seeing her and visualizing her present life in spite of our past history just blows my mind. But it is something I think I understand and I am not surprised. This is something I will definitely have to think about before I say anything more.

"To Do or Not To Do? That Is The Question!"

Do I make any resolutions for the new year or not? I ask myself that every year while knowing that I won’t. But it is fun to speculate. Most times I am caught between several options or directions to go with. In order for me to even think about any resolutions I would have to look back on the previous year/years to maybe see what I lack or whether or not I have accomplished anything worthy. That in itself is disappointing because I am always in a constant state of mind that “there is always room for improvement here”. That’s not to mention a few times when I did make a resolution or two and ended up in total failure. So, I try not to get into that part of any new year’s celebration. Just let me have my fireworks and a clock and I’m happy!

This year, it isn’t any different than any other. I am tempted. But there is a new feeling about this upcoming year that I haven’t had for quite some time so I am still straddling the fence on it making any. I haven’t ruled it out just yet. I want so very much to have my life back in my own possession, in my own hands. I haven’t had that for a long time and I miss it so very much. And what I mean by that is to be able to independent and self sufficient. I want to be able to take care of myself and I have an opportunity to do that for the first time in a very long time.

This is not new to me. Every year this goal has come to me and I have quietly made this resolution for the new year ahead. Nothing different had changed and disappointment was the rule for the year. I am praying that is far from the norm this time. So, with all this being said, I think I will make at least one New Year’s Resolution (everything crossed; eyes, fingers, toes, arms, legs, and what few hairs I have left) I want to get my book published. I’m not sure how I will get this done, though. I have looked online for how it’s done and I was very surprised at all that is involved in doing so, especially for first time writers like myself. Hell, I’m not even sure if it would even sell. It’s something that I will have to think on very carefully as time passes and very methodically to get it done. It’s my heart’s desire! What more can I say?