"TIME"

     

Time is such an asshole. As constant or consistent as it claims to be, I beg to differ. It's more like 5:40 PM traffic on a Dallas freeway. Has time always been a figment of our imagination until someone put a name or an image to it and made it somewhat tangible? Such an asshole! “Nothing slower than a watched clock!”...“Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”....”Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time.” (Pink Floyd)....”Time runs out!”....Such an asshole! Have I mentioned that yet?

     My mind wanders aimlessly and constantly and I can rarely put it together and make sense of it all. I blame time for that. I'm at a “time” when there seems not much is left to look forward to and so much more to look back on, a “time” most of reach and then...time runs out! Such an asshole! The most difficult obstacle I face at this time in my life is finding the motivation...to do anything. Necessity is my only motivation and that is frustrating! Maybe “in time” I'll figure it out. Time is such an asshole!

"Siblings"....

I don’t think anyone can argue that the majority of families consist of
more than one child. That’s just the way it’s been forever. I am number nine in
a family of twelve, six boys and six girls. Time has reduced that number to
eight, leaving three boys and five girls. Again, that’s the way it goes in
life. Some of you know how it feels to lose a sibling. It hurts and you quickly
learn or are reminded of how precious they really are.

Being siblings are in no way saying that any two are alike. They are no
more the same as if they are no kin at all, in the grand scheme of things. They
are individuals with different personality traits that define who they are or
have become. Sometimes, the only commonalities they may have are the parents
who created them and there is nothing wrong in that. Why would there be? It’s
the way it is.

I have had a few fights in my time with a couple of my own brothers,
some real knock down drag out fights. But when all the dust had settled, we all
knew that we loved each other as we should. We all realized that some things
just weren’t worth fighting over and if they were, we were mature enough to
understand and accept each other’s differences, because we were all different.
We all had our reasons for our beliefs and convictions and we all understood
that matters of the heart were things that we just couldn’t change or help.

The one thing that really ate at my heart most of my young life was our
ability to tell each other that we loved each other. This bothered me for many
years so I decided that needed to change, at least for me. So, I made it a
point to tell each of my brothers and sisters that I loved them, usually along
with saying, “I’ll see you later!” Things did change. It’s so common now to
hear those words spoken, even without provocation, even without me saying it
first. I love that!

Sibling rivalry is common and it can be a good
thing. But when it becomes so fierce that it gets in the way of love, it is no
longer a rivalry. I can’t think of a word to describe it but I know in my heart
of hearts that it’s so very wrong, especially when there is no good reason for
it. If there is animosity between siblings, for whatever reason, always
remember there may come a time when it will be too late to put it behind you
and make things right again. Believe me, I know from experience. Love one
another and take care of one another. You will never regret it, I promise you!

"Diamond In The Rough".....

The diamond, the hardest compound known to humankind and the most coveted for its brilliance and longevity. The precious stone has brought many a smile to many a woman. It has brought many a tragedy for those who dare to mine for it. You wouldn’t think that it has made such an impact on our world, especially when looking at it in its most raw form, fresh from the mine, so dirty looking, dusty looking. Yet, even then, if held just right, in the light, you can truly see the potential. More often than not, though, you have to look inside the diamond in the rough to see that potential.

The human spirit is likened to a diamond in the rough. The brilliance depends much on the circumstances one is in or what is happening in their lives at any given time and the perspective that is taken. The hardest thing for many of us to do is to take a look at our own spirit, our own diamond in the rough. Most of us never look at our spirits as such a precious stone or commodity. We have been raised to be so humble. That is the greater tragedy.

"Awakened"...

For the last few weeks I have awakened to something, more like a thought…”WOW! I have awakened…again!” I haven’t quite made sense of this just yet. For the last couple of years or so, all of my writings have been inspired by life, or the drama that sometimes comes along with it; lack of work, independence, and at times a lack of hope that things will get better. It’s not like I go to sleep thinking that I won’t wake up the next morning. I don’t. I find myself thinking or trying to remember the dreams I had during the night and glad that I actually did dream, like it was a miracle or something. I just can’t make sense of it all.

What I do know is that I am very grateful that I do wake up every day. My life is finally going somewhere at a steady pace. I have plans. I have goals. I have hope. I have always had all of these things but there is something very different about these now. It’s all of these things that have kept me going on, even at my lowest point. But I am no longer in limbo. I see a rise in my eyes as I begin to stand taller on my feet and it is very good.

Maybe these thoughts I have upon awakening every morning are a bit of skepticism, a fear that something will happen and my house of cards will all come crashing down. I just can’t put my finger on it. I know I can’t rush. I still have to take time, pace myself. That will somewhat insure that the tangibles will fall into place. But what about the intangibles, the matters of the heart, the things we have no real control over?

"Justice Has Been Served?"

Justice has been served? I speak of the killing of Osama Bin Laden. I'm not so sure justice is ever really served. The pain still remains and will remain. Is justice only a temporary illusion, a temporary peace of mind, or simply some form of closure? The pain we feel is because of the love we have. That will never change, unless we do, and I hope we don't!

"After It’s All Said and Done"

As we approach the tenth anniversary of September 11 the most of us need no reminder. We have not forgotten and never will. It was a time that remains forever in memories and history. As I write this, I wonder just how history books have documented that day and what is being taught the children in the schools. But does that really matter? Of course it does matter but if the truth hasn’t come out by now it probably never will.

Osama Bin Laden is long gone, believed to be the perpetrator of 9/11. Has justice been served? I doubt it. The pain still remains because of the love we have for those lost on that day. So it really doesn’t matter how it happened or even why. It just did. I have my own personal beliefs as to what probably happened and why on that day but even my own thoughts have no real relevance.

What really matters is that we live on in a way that will honor those lost so that their lives can never be for nothing. The innocence, the bravery, the fear of knowing, the unity in chaos that we all experienced on that day; these emotions can only foster good if we allow them to. We have the freedom to believe anything or idea that has evolved as a result of 9/11 and that is what really matters to me. I can only hope anyone person who had or persons who have the power to cause such an event to take place will one day think about their deeds on their death beds and realized how fucked up their lives have been. But then, will it really matter?

"My Daily Dime"....

I haven’t written anything in a long while maybe because I haven’t had a lot to bitch about lately which has been a very good thing. To be quite frank, I am not sure I can say anything worth reading but I am going to give it my best shot. It’s just when things are going according to plan or better, you don’t take the time to concentrate on anything negative. You just roll with it!

Some time ago, going on six to eight years or so, I practically went through about two years were I would find a dime somewhere in our house. I would find them on the floor, usually in places you wouldn’t think of finding anything at all of value. I often wondered why this phenomenon was taking place and I still wonder to this day because it is happening again. I can safely say I have found more dimes than pennies in my lifetime. I haven’t decided if it’s a good or bad omen. Maybe it just is. What I do know is in the time past of my daily dime, life was very good. I was with or near family, I was employed, and was fairly content with the way my life had turned out and headed. I was pretty much on top of my world.

Life can be a road side disaster waiting to happen with all of the twists and turns with no guard rails to keep you between and out of the ditches and every once in a while, we do leave the road. Sometimes the damage is minor and sometimes chaotic at best and you spend so much time trying to fix things until you can get back on the road again and most of that time is spent trying to figure out how. Eventually you succeed and you are on your merry way to your original destination.

If I had to describe the meaning or the reasoning behind my daily dime it would be that good things don’t always come at once, unlike life’s little crashes we experience. It’s always about picking up the pieces of your broken life and putting it back together as best you can and hopefully leaving no scars or pieces behind. I have never concerned myself of whether or not these daily dimes were found on heads or tails, just that they were there for me to find. Take value in every piece for each one has its own place in the puzzle that when put together, makes a whole. These pieces can be family, friends or simple acquaintances that we happen to meet along the road. Their value is incomparable to any inanimate object we may have lost in the crash. I am forever grateful for my daily dimes.