I'll Figure It Out..

It's been a strange day today. I simply can't explain any of it. I did a few things I wouldn't normally do but that's pretty much normal. I can't put my finger on it for some reason. I know life will throw a few curve balls at me from time to time, as it has lately, as well as the last few years. A lot of that is now water under the bridge and I do the best I can with what I have with the rest. Tomorrow is predictable as life continues to throw either flowers or shit and not at my discretion. 

Happiness...

If there can be only one thing that stirs my soul, it would be to see happiness. You can't really define it. It's as individual as we are different. As I was sitting at a local park here a few days ago, I saw a lot of happiness. It was a gorgeous day so maybe that had a lot to do with that. I watched everyone do whatever it was that made them happy, if only for a little while. Kids and grownups were swinging. Some folks were jogging while others were just strolling along, leisurely. If I had had some peanuts with me, I would have fed a squirrel or two and that would have made me very happy. That day, I watched happiness, and it was good. 

The Hardest Thing...

Every morning, it's SOSDD. Coffee, smokes, and PC time. Then it's time to get ready for work. That's been my routine for as far back as I remember. Time has passed and changed to some degree. Situations change. We change. Amongst all this change there are some things that are, or should be, non-negotiable. 

First and foremost is love of self. The love you have for yourself is exactly the same love others receive from you. Otherwise, it's only pretended. 

Honesty can be categorized under love, I suppose. Without it there is no real love. There is no trust. That's a lot of crushed eggshells tight there. 

Self-assessment is the hardest thing to do, much less master. Brutal honesty is the main ingredient. And it can and more than likely will, kick your ass! Well yeah. It won't be the last either. That's true for us all. We must be ever mindful in how we influence others because we do. 

I Miss That

It was a busy moment, and I was quietly working. After a few seconds I sensed a presence and I looked up and there you were, just peacefully looking me right in the eyes. I looked away after a few seconds and then looked back. You were still there, eyes to eyes. I wasn't sure what to think, but I went with it because it was one of the most wonderful moments I have felt in a very long time. I miss that! 

 A TIMELY INVESTMENT...

There is a common denominator in everything and that is time. Time has an effect on EVERYTHING!!! Throughout...um...time, it has been and always will be the greatest commodity, seemingly increasing in value as it runs out. Nothing is free and that includes time, and no replenishment or bartering is allowed, ever! Can we have power over time? I don't know for sure. Maybe?

I have met and come to know many people in my lifetime, and I have a handful of people I have known for decades I still visit with from time to time, just to chat, keeping in touch and each one of those persons is different from the other. How's that for diversity, huh? Anyways, there was a price to be paid for each encounter from everyone and that cost was time. Was it worth it? How much value was there? That would depend on the system that each one of us has developed to evaluate encounters and our relationships with each other. 

Does time have the ability manipulate us or anything? Or is it just being? We have the power over how we spend our time, according to what our particular needs are. We can't control it, but we can utilize our time to our favor. Patience is definitely a virtue here. Get to know the people around you, time permitting and don't be obnoxious and don't make assumptions. Don't judge! Time permitting. There are layers upon layers of thoughts and emotions that are somewhat sorted for some to be shared and the rest, not. Tell your stories and listen to other stories. Knowledge is not power. It's understanding. 

This Funk...

It's a quiet night, thankfully. Sleep evaded me until about 4:30 this am and having to get up at 9 for an earlier shift, it doesn't lead into a great day.  I was physically tired, last night, but my mind was on fire! It would not slow down for some reason. So much has been going on and everything seemed to be snowballing, and I couldn't outrun it. I also had a day that is almost unexplainable. Have you ever watched yourself, in your mind's eye and think. You're acting like an idiot! Yeah, it was one of those days. I can only hope no one noticed what I saw. 

Today, with a few of those idiotic visuals of myself still dancing around in my head, it was pretty much uneventful. I did my work, with some comradery blended in and went home. I'm a tad exhausted but fine. I left the paranoia at work in hopes of some much-needed peace. So, in spite of a very minor nagging headache, it's been a pretty good day. This brings me to the funk.

I have noticed in the last few years an addition to one of my aches and pains of aging. Depression. No other word for it. But I wonder about self-doubt, how related is that to depression? It's a part of life for all of us, even if for brief periods, I would think. But it can be devastating to some, no doubt. I have somewhat learned that if I choose my battles I can at the very least break even. Most of the time I'm fine, but there are times when I just don't give a shit. Not very often, thankfully, but those times do occur. 

It's been a couple of weeks since I started this. Maybe I can bring it to some kind of a conclusion. Practically the same scenario, no sleep until around 6 this morning. Work was dreadfully slow and uneventful. And some thoughts that have kept my mind busy for some times now are beginning to evaporate, allowing more space for the funk fog to roll in. 

I still have no real conclusion for this. To be continued... 

I Love You...

I awaken from a night's sleep. I stumble towards the utilities and the first thing I see is the mirror. If I'm not into much of a hurry, and I usually am, I stop and take a look. Can I say it? Those three words? Can I look at myself and say I love you!? 

Granted, I rarely think about it. I certainly can't remember actually doing it. We say I love you to at least one person in a day and certainly more. Why should it be so different to say it to ourselves? Why does it seem so hard to do? Nobody knows us like we do, right?

The only person thinking you're not good enough is you. Try it. Tell yourself I love you! It's all in the response.