Most of us find ourselves living without someone at one time or another in our lives. Sometimes it’s only temporary but most often it’s a permanent thing. As a parent I understand more of what my Mom was all about but I know I can never understand her perspective from being a mother. Mothers are so different from fathers. It must be a gender thing. So I can safely say that fathers just do stupid shit. That doesn’t necessarily make them stupid. They just have a momentary lapse in good judgment. Ok, you got me….fathers can be stupid at times.

My Mom has been gone a little over four years now. I learned a lot from her but I wonder why she did certain things when it came to us kids. A large family can present certain challenges. About the only thing small and large families have in common is that each child is different from the other. They all have their own identity. That alone presents a greater challenge the larger the family is. The mother and father both have equal access (when there is a literal family unit anyway) to learn who their children really are and if the fathers were to be truly honest with themselves, they would more than likely admit that the mother is usually more accurate and definitely more detailed in knowing her own children. Again, it’s a gender thing.

My siblings and I were given (or we took) a lot of freedom in our childhood. But given (or taking) this loose leash didn’t mean we were immune from the consequences of our actions. We paid dearly for our transgressions. But I often wondered why this was. Was she so overwhelmed by the number of children she had tugging at her apron strings that she just let things be in order to make her motherhood a little easier? I know that sounds like I’m not giving my Mom much credit but trust me. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My Mom had a great deal of faith in God as well as in herself. But being the Goddess she was, she still couldn’t be everywhere at once doing everything for everybody so she depended a lot on God above to teach us kids certain things. I understand that.

Did her motherly ways pave the way for letting go easier? Maybe a little, I guess. Watching your child go through the front door out into the world to be on their own is scary. Maybe she was wise more than I have ever given her credit for. But letting go is a two way street. We kids have to let go of our parents. Both are easier said than done. And sooner or later, the time will come when that permanent arrangement of separation will come. That’s when we are tested as parents as well as children. How well did we teach? How well did we learn? If we are lucky and blessed we have taught and learned equally. Learning to live without you has been as easy as I have allowed it to be. You have done well, Mom, as great as the challenges were. You never quit. I love you for that!

"It's A Slow Fade"....

I can hardly believe it’s been thirty years but it has. That’s a long time in my book; a long time to know someone, a long time to learn to appreciate someone, and a long time to learn about one’s self. It’s even longer, no matter how long ago in the past things happen, to live with regrets. Regrets? I have only one.

We are only human. We make mistakes. But it isn’t a mistake when you already know better, when you have already made promises. You may never understand why you do stupid shit. You try to go back to a beginning to find where things began to change but success eludes you. All you can do is tell yourself, “What’s the point? You did it and nothing else really matters when it’s all said and done.” You hope to be forgiven and you hope to forgive yourself. But true forgiveness doesn’t erase the past.

Actions change lives, ways of thinking, and hearts, in good and bad ways. After all these years, I still think about my actions. I can never go back and change what I have done. No one can. That is when regret is born, when you wish to God that you could change the past, knowing you can’t. We live with our guilt, our shame, keeping it tucked away where on one can see it, for our eyes only. Every once in a while it all comes out in the open. That bites! But you keep moving forward. Sometimes we lie and keep it hidden. Sometimes we don’t. I have chosen not to lie about my past. Why bother lying about it? At least I will know who will accept me as I am.

It’s a slow fade. The breaking of someone’s heart is instantaneous, but the road to getting there wasn’t. It had to have started somewhere. The past behind us is also a slow fade. Hearts begin to heal and spirits begin to come alive again. Only time can assist in all this healing. You could try all you want but the damage is already done, the wounds are clearly open. All you can do is never do stupid shit that hurt the ones you love. You may never get a second chance to do it right the first time.