"It's A Slow Fade"....

I can hardly believe it’s been thirty years but it has. That’s a long time in my book; a long time to know someone, a long time to learn to appreciate someone, and a long time to learn about one’s self. It’s even longer, no matter how long ago in the past things happen, to live with regrets. Regrets? I have only one.

We are only human. We make mistakes. But it isn’t a mistake when you already know better, when you have already made promises. You may never understand why you do stupid shit. You try to go back to a beginning to find where things began to change but success eludes you. All you can do is tell yourself, “What’s the point? You did it and nothing else really matters when it’s all said and done.” You hope to be forgiven and you hope to forgive yourself. But true forgiveness doesn’t erase the past.

Actions change lives, ways of thinking, and hearts, in good and bad ways. After all these years, I still think about my actions. I can never go back and change what I have done. No one can. That is when regret is born, when you wish to God that you could change the past, knowing you can’t. We live with our guilt, our shame, keeping it tucked away where on one can see it, for our eyes only. Every once in a while it all comes out in the open. That bites! But you keep moving forward. Sometimes we lie and keep it hidden. Sometimes we don’t. I have chosen not to lie about my past. Why bother lying about it? At least I will know who will accept me as I am.

It’s a slow fade. The breaking of someone’s heart is instantaneous, but the road to getting there wasn’t. It had to have started somewhere. The past behind us is also a slow fade. Hearts begin to heal and spirits begin to come alive again. Only time can assist in all this healing. You could try all you want but the damage is already done, the wounds are clearly open. All you can do is never do stupid shit that hurt the ones you love. You may never get a second chance to do it right the first time.