WRONG WAY

If I have learned anything of value over the years, it's to ask myself one question when things happen, whether they be good or bad; Is there anything that I could have done or said differently to cause a better outcome? I learned that I have had control all along in countless situations, barring life-changing events. Every action taken; every word spoken has influence. Sound decisions need to be made but not without a lot of thought and questions with answers. I try to be ever mindful of everyone I interact with. I'm not always successful. 

I remember when I was a young child, not even in my teens yet, starting my morning walk to school, and many times I would just change direction and skip school that day, all day. My mind would allow my curiosity to take control and I would just explore. I would walk up and down the local strip malls in the neighborhood just checking things out, nothing in particular. I didn't want to learn from school those days. I wanted to learn from life. And learn I did. 

I did some dumb ass shit when I was a kid, as a teen, and as an adult, many times. I still do dumb shit, just not as often. Experience and "wisdom" has made dumb shit less attractive. When I do catch myself headed in the wrong direction, though, I have to remind myself that I do influence others, that I have an effect on others, as insignificant as that may sound. After some time, I come to my senses, I tap the breaks, and I come to a complete stop. I backup to regroup. One of my many flaws is I am always asking myself what if instead of what will. That's not a bad thing in and of itself but if left unchecked, there could be unwanted repercussions. 

I can be very passionate when it comes to how I care for others, almost to a fault and it has caused heartache at times because I confuse myself. I get "lost in the moment" and suck all the air from the room. That's not good for anyone. I never wish to lose a friendship. I never wish to cause discomfort. Life is challenging enough. As my experience and wisdom expands with time, my true wish and my deepest desire is to watch those I care deeply about to be happy for themselves, with less worries and more peace of mind, and to know, find, and have their hearts desire. 

Moving Forward...

I have had a lot on my mind lately. I can see changes coming and know how some will play out and some will be mysterious until revealed. I have already made decisions that will help make these changes less difficult. It's not easy when you have developed a routine that has worked over the years. But when you see changes coming, you need to be ready, or you won't achieve your desired results. Fear will be by your side every step of the way, so I think I will hold its hand so the fear will know I'm in control.

Throughout the last ten years or so, I have met and worked with some really good people, every one of them of a totally different generation. I always forget my age and that could bite me in the ass one day, but oh well. It won't be the first time I have had my ass chewed. Anyway, these folks come and go from your life, and they move on to, for the most part, bigger and better things. I have come to really enjoy watching these folks do better for themselves. I have watched young men become family men and honorably, may I add. I have watched young women become first time mothers, set goals, and achieve them. The most of them have grown to become responsible adults. That's very good!

My future? That remains to be seen and experienced. I know I have a lot to do but the idea of actually accepting these changes and making them happen is scary, to say the least. I have always had the problem of not thinking I am as old as I really am. That is my greatest change I need to make. The issue with that is I have always been this way and I'm not sure if I can change my ways of thinking. Physically I am changing and have changed. Mentally, not so much. I just can't seem to grasp the differences in the two. 

There are still things I want in life. Whether I have these is unknown to me. I don't want pity nor petty. I want real not fake. I want love! Pure and simple, love. I have had battles in my life that some have lost, but I have overcome. I am forever grateful for that. It gives me hope. It gives me peace. 

These changes I see on the way, well, it's not for the faint of heart. I will require courage. I will require stamina. I will require a strong mind. All of these I have. I will need to change some of my own habits. But the most difficult is the ability to believe that I am worth it. I truly think that the one thing that causes folks to not reach certain goals is that they feel they aren't worth it. They most often think that they need reassurance from others, or they think they can't do anything without someone being by their side as a cheering squad. Nothing wrong in that fundamentally. But you need to believe that you can do things on your own. 

I Begin to Heal

It's been a melancholy few days, almost indescribable. I am having difficulty keeping all of my emotion under control, or even defined at times. As I sit here, trying to collect my thoughts, I realize I have a cigarette in my hand and two more that have been lit within the last 4 minutes. What kind of disturbed soul does that shit?

I have felt sadness, more than anything the last few days, along with pain and heartache of someone not being there anymore. At night as I lie awake, all I can muster is a simple prayer, "You know." I'm not sure if I couldn't describe my wants or needs in my prayer, or I just didn't want to. What I do know is that I did let it go. As precious as time can be, it's times like the last few days that I want time to speed up just a bit, in hopes the pain and heartache will lessen, and I begin to heal.

Take The Time...

I have met many people and I have seen many changes take place over the years. Parts of our world today are totally unrecognizable to me. I have watched changes take place everywhere, all the way down to changes within myself. I have noticed changes in people, as a whole, and I am going to try to see this in a positive light. 

Technology has been and always will be the driving force of change even in how or what we think. It has changed dramatically how we interact with others. So, it can make one wonder if technology has caused these changes in the way we interact or simply exposed them. Either way, it's sad, yet exhilarating.to see and watch. So, I watch, and I try to learn. I think it's safe to say that we all learn that way.

Social media has come a long way in such a short time period. Yes, I use it so I'm not throwing stones. Curiosity has always been my motivation for as far back as I can remember so I have learned to have an open mind. I learn to understand and not to judge. As similar as we all are, we have so many differences that make each of us unique. Social media has had a profound effect on anyone that uses it, especially on a daily basis, because of the availability of information. It's a total smorgasbord!

My point is, with all of this information, have I learned anything? I have. I don't interact with others like I used to. Back in the day making friends was quick because either one of them or I could not be there the next day. It was a military life and that's how it was. Now, I like to take my time. It's easier. You will need patience because getting to know folks properly does take time. But it will be most rewarding in the long run. 

The "IDGAF" mentality has taken root and is growing at an alarming rate. But you might as well throw that shit out the window because if the real truth were known, we would realize that we do give a shit more than we let on. None the less, as a society, we have less empathy. We have less patience. We certainly have less real interaction. We have become more self-absorbed. There are more assumptions (judgements) being made of others even when we don't know them that well. People have a chip on their shoulder that they cannot see but can see the chips on other shoulders. How many folks actually know who their neighbors are? People want instant gratification but can't find the time to wait for what is really important. 

In a time of fast this, instant that, or "get it now!", it does no harm to just slow down for a spell. I'm not so naive to think everyone likes or wants to know a lot of people. As I said earlier, everyone is different and there is everything right with that. There is nothing wrong with good judgement either. We are all free to pick and choose who we wish to get to know. The challenge is taking the time and to not make any assumptions about anyone. You most definitely can't judge a book by its cover. We need to remember that if we have our own struggles that we don't discuss, others will have theirs as well. Many things should remain unsaid because we really don't know what's really going on with others. 

Slow down and take the time to get to know whomever you wish. They will let you know what they want you to know in their own time. Until you know anything, you don't. 

I'll Figure It Out..

It's been a strange day today. I simply can't explain any of it. I did a few things I wouldn't normally do but that's pretty much normal. I can't put my finger on it for some reason. I know life will throw a few curve balls at me from time to time, as it has lately, as well as the last few years. A lot of that is now water under the bridge and I do the best I can with what I have with the rest. Tomorrow is predictable as life continues to throw either flowers or shit and not at my discretion. 

Happiness...

If there can be only one thing that stirs my soul, it would be to see happiness. You can't really define it. It's as individual as we are different. As I was sitting at a local park here a few days ago, I saw a lot of happiness. It was a gorgeous day so maybe that had a lot to do with that. I watched everyone do whatever it was that made them happy, if only for a little while. Kids and grownups were swinging. Some folks were jogging while others were just strolling along, leisurely. If I had had some peanuts with me, I would have fed a squirrel or two and that would have made me very happy. That day, I watched happiness, and it was good. 

The Hardest Thing...

Every morning, it's SOSDD. Coffee, smokes, and PC time. Then it's time to get ready for work. That's been my routine for as far back as I remember. Time has passed and changed to some degree. Situations change. We change. Amongst all this change there are some things that are, or should be, non-negotiable. 

First and foremost is love of self. The love you have for yourself is exactly the same love others receive from you. Otherwise, it's only pretended. 

Honesty can be categorized under love, I suppose. Without it there is no real love. There is no trust. That's a lot of crushed eggshells tight there. 

Self-assessment is the hardest thing to do, much less master. Brutal honesty is the main ingredient. And it can and more than likely will, kick your ass! Well yeah. It won't be the last either. That's true for us all. We must be ever mindful in how we influence others because we do.