"Humility"

Humility is the absense of pride or self-assertion or having a modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance. Either way, it can't always be good for the spirit, at least not in the short-term. As time goes by, you learn that you can be more than you are lead to believe you are.

'What Do You Want From Me?"

My mind is filled with confusion. My heart is heavy. I'm not sure which is going around in circles, me or my world. Limbo is a bitch! There are so many things I desire and I am frustrated in not knowing what or if I will receive any of them. I want independence. I want love. I want peace of mind. I want clarity. Are these things too much to ask for? Everyone of these things are intangible. I'm not that materialistic. My turning fifty was supposed to be a turning point in my life, although it was a milestone. I was the first of the males in my family to reach fifty out of six of us. Well, my twin and I were. The three who are now gone never reached that golden age. Ever since then, I have lost everything that means the most to me several times over and I have been starting from scratch again and again and again. Dear God...What do you want from me?

"I'm Afraid of the Dark"

     It's that time when I retire for the day and lie down but I am afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid to fall asleep. My dreams come to me as the night passes. Most are forgettable. Those remaining haunt me for days or much longer. One dream remains with me still, even after four years and I remember it like was yesterday, like it really happened, unlike a dream. I remember looking up to the stormy skies of a warm summer day. The clouds were black and boiling. The winds were becoming stronger as if clearing the way for the storm that followed. As I watched, I began to see a funnel being formed as if a tentacle of the cloud was reaching down to capture me and carry me into the blackness. I watched in amazement at what my eyes were witnessing. The funnel magically turned into a net once it reached my hands as I was wanting to touch it. It was delivering me something but I couldn't make out what it was. Like a cacoon, the tunnel let free it's package slowly into my arms. It was a woman. She was dressed in a pale yellow dress with a digital pattern that came just above her calves. She was beautiful! I could tell because she came from the heavens and she was delivered into my arms....my arms! She had no face that I could tell, only a blurred vision of facial features. But I knew she had to be beautiful. She had long blonde flowing hair that covered the entire upper portion of her back. Beautiful!

     Why I fear that dream is because it is only a dream. It's a dream too good to be true. For four years this dream has tantalized my emotions, my heart, causing me to wonder if she is or will ever be real. I want her to be. I want to have her delivered by God himself in His own special way, as He did in my dream. But if that will never happen, then I don't want to dream of her ever again.

"One Night With You"

     To hell with one night! I want tonight, the next night, and the next, and the next until...well, it all come to a graceful ending. The days, I want them too! Yes, I'm greedy! I admit it! I want it all or nothing! I have never really seen myself as a one night stand kind of guy and I have never been good at it, the few times I tried. I was left with such an empty feeling inside, wondering, "what the hell was I thinking?" Trust me, I have no intentions of judging the few partners I have had on a one night stand. So few, I could count them on one hand. But the point is how they felt about themselves is not known to me. I'm not sure I want to know. They wanted exactly the same thing I did, so, who am I to judge? But I never could stand knowing how I may have caused someone else to feel less than who they are. That's what bothers me the most. For those who are good at that kind of lifestyle, if that's what makes them happy, then happy they shall be. Everyone deserves a little happiness...EVERYBODY!

    

     All I want in life is one good woman who wants one good man. Sometimes I think I set the bar way too high in my expectations. Maybe I do. I know they are great! But I can't help how I feel. These are my convictions I speak of. I know I'm not the handsome guy that could get any girl he wanted. I never have been. I know I'm as about as sharp as a marble at times about some things. Most of all, I know I can't get any girl I want. Believe me, I have tried. One day, I will be done with leaving my heart out for all to see. Sure, it's great to hear the compliments but that isn't enough. One day, I will leave it up to you, who ever you may be, to say, "Hmm...Who is that guy? He's mighty quiet. I wonder why? Maybe I should find out why." That scares the living shit out of me!

    

    

"An American Trilogy"

"You Were Always On My Mind"

"Slow Dancin"

Come. Dance with me tonight.
I want to hold you close and never let go.
Our lives together have been chaotic at best.
Let's leave those times behind if only for a precious moment.

I want to feel your hand on the small of my back pulling me in to you.
I want to feel your breath as it softly flows across my skin.
I want to keep time with the music and the beating of our hearts.
I want you to feel how you excite me when we are this close.

I want to look into your eyes that reveal so much about you.
I want to bring you in so close that nothing can be left to the imagination of how much I love you.
I want you to have no doubt as to how much I want you.
I want you to know how much you mean to me.

Come. Dance with me tonight.
Let's drift away to some place secluded to lie in the cool green grass.
Allow me to bring you pleasure that leaves you breathless for that is my pleasure.
Allow me to hold you the remainder of my years.

"Once In A Lifetime"

     "Once in a lifetime"? What does that mean? To have celebrity status? To be a president of a company or even an entire nation? To have an opportunity to show your talents on a stage in front of countless people? I guess that would depend on what your own particular dreams are. Sometimes, it's a love that is so true that there is never any doubts of it's validity. How often does that happen to any of us, any of these things? For me, I'm not sure I could have such an impact that it would change the world entirely, and it's not that I really wouldn't want to. I have come to the realization that I simply can't. I'm just not that significant.

     But I do want to change my world. I have had some once-in-a-lifetime experiences but I have screwed them up for the most part or they have just disappeared like foot prints on the waters edge. Life does get shorter as time marches on and desperation tends to raise it's ugly head. The good part is that wisdom can overcome but only if it can be put to good use, hense, doors of opportunity needs to open.

"A Billion Points of View"

     As I wander through this world, I try to interpret things as they are, but I do fail to reach an agreement with others because I do see things through my eyes. That doesn't mean I don't respect the views of others. More than one person can look at the exact same thing and see something entirely different. That, to me, is the true beauty of our world. Maybe one day we can all use our differences to really make a difference.

    

"In Perspective"

During times of loss, like a loved one, a job, or some other kind of trial/tribulation, one question has always been asked once the dust settles, "Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?"

If my son and I were taking a walk and he falls, trips, and hurts his knee, that doesn't mean I allowed it to happen. It does mean that I will carry him, soothe him and help him heal so we can take a walk together again.

"Morning Would"

If you were here or I were there

I would hold you if I could

So please be patient my beautiful girl

For in my morning would

I don't always do what I really want

Nor do the things I should

But only a few more hours Babe

For in my morning would

I know you're tired and so am I

But I know that all is good

Oh, I love the thought of holding you

For in my morning would

I want you more than you could know

This anticipation as I brood

But soon I will be home to you

And you can feel my morning wood

I love you, Babygirl!

I miss you!

"Silent Lucidity"

I was awakened by a dream this am, one of those dreams you can't forget. Those don't happen very often with me, but when they do, they are burned into my mind's eye. These memorable dreams have a pattern that coincides with my life. As a child, these dreams were of things that frightened me, revealing my vulnerability. As I grew older, these dreams were on the verge of being a nightmare, like my heart was being cleansed of my past sins. Now, my dreams are of a wanting nature, or so they seem, leaving me with an uncertainty of meaning.

If I were to give these dreams some thought, I would find they have one thing in common and that would be my fears. We all have our own fears. They are a part of the life we are given, a natural inheritance of countless generations. Even as a mature adult, I still have fear. This fear seems to be a result of so many questions that have yet to be answered. Does fate really exist? How much control do we really have over our lives? And the mother of all questions, "Why?"

"If Ever?"

Not a day goes by I don't think about you. I am reminded of a pristine waterfall...the fluid motion of the decent is your long brown hair and your emerald eyes, the reflection I see in the distance. My mind swirls as the pool far below where the thoughts of a love so strong revolves around an invisible core in which my heart rests. I sit high above to capture all the beauty within and I sigh for you are so far away. The courage it would take to leap into this deep love, I'm not even sure I have.

What I would give to watch the waters come to a calm, beckoning me to be enveloped by it's coolness and it's warmth all in the same moment in time. Your voice I hear through the falling waters, soft and very much a woman it is. I listen to hear every word for I want to know everything there is about you. Every night I pray...."When? When will it be, if ever?"

I peacefully fall asleep wondering..."If Ever?”

"When I Vent, I Vent REALLY BIG!"

Sometimes I get angry at God. No Wait, livid would be a better discription. That doesn't happen often but when it does, all hell brakes loose. If you happen to be driving and see someone out in the distance, in the middle of nowhere, and he seems to be a little bit pissed, that would be me, and I am giving Him the "what for"! Yeah, I know, we are not supposed to get angry at God, right? He is all powerful, right? Well, I never said I was normal.

I learned a long time ago that if He is all knowing, all seeing and everything else ALL, then what is the fucking point in pretending that everything is ok?

"For my Dad"

I had been listening to some music and was about to leave for a few days when I began to think about my Dad. He has been gone for thirty years now but he left behind an indelible impression on all of us, some good and bad. I really can't say what my siblings feel about him now that so many years have come and gone since his passing. All I know for sure is how I feel and that's what really matters.

There were twelve of us kids all together, six girls and six boys. My Dad had made his exit not long after I was born. I never really knew why and my Mom never wanted to discuss it. I was left on my own to figure out why. No one really had the nerve to ask. They never divorced. They just stayed seperated for all those years, although, he did come around from time to time to pay us a visit. My older siblings, mainly my sisters, have carried a real hatred for the man. It's was so bad that one said she wouldn't piss on him if he were set on fire. He wouldn't be worth the effort.

I can't speak for anyone else but me. I last saw my Father a little over two years before he died. He was in need of a place to stay. I was sharing a place with two more of my brothers at the time. I had found myself caught up in all this animosity that had engulfed my family. I remember he and I getting into some small argument, and probably over some penny ante bullshit, but what I do remember without question and word for word, the last thing I had ever spoken to him. I said, "You know what? Everytime I look at you I see myself and I don't like what I see!" I regretted saying it the very second I finished saying it, but I never took the opportunity to take it back. It really hit home what I had said when I learned of his death two years later. He had died alone, truly alone.

My father had never been around much in my childhood but I did live with him a few short times, usually during the summer. He never abused me or anything like that. He was just not around much. While I was with him, he treated me like a Father in those days should. We had our chores to do. But we also had our play time. There was also the discipline that comes with being a parent. I knew I loved my Father, no matter what because he loved me, no matter what.

I never had the chance to take back what I said. God knows I wish I had been given the chance. I lived with this self-inflicted heartache for most of my adult life and it still haunts me from time to time, like today. I knew of only one  to make up to him what I had said, if I had been asked what I wanted to be when I grew up when I was a child, I would have answered, "a good Father". That had always been my first and most important dream. The second was to be a good husband, but I failed at that miserably, a "whole 'nother chapter" that may or may not be written down on paper.

I believe with all my heart that I had achieved my dream. It had come true. I thank God for that, for He was my Father who was always around, but I also must thank my earthly Father, too. I will, more than likely, be forever apologetic towards my Father for what I had said to him that day. It's hard to forgive yourself for any reason, but to not have the forgiveness of the one you have hurt, for any reason, is like a living hell.

I created the above video especially for my Dad a few years ago. I hope he approves. I love you, Dad! I always have and I am sorry for hurting you.

"Nights In White Satin"

"When Life Throws You A Bone"...

When life throws you a bone, what do you do? Do you immediately begin to enjoy every morsel right down to the marrow goodness? Or, do you bury it for a later time? I suppose that would depend on the "quality" of the bone and that is left to the discretion of the recipient and what they deem valuable. I, for one, have done both with some regret. I have been known to devour quickly, mainly due to an insatiable hunger, and left only with a temporary satisfaction and, sometimes, with a bitter taste in my mouth.

I speak, metaphorically, of people who have come into my life over the years. I have learned to control my emotions more as I have grown older and not take for granted the friendships I have made. I have learned, to some degree (a work in progress), not to move so quickly. It's easier said than done. To rush the process of learning about someone can cause a deterioration of a new friendship. You must hope and pray that this new found friend is understanding, wise, and patient enough to realize what is happening, and provide guidance to keep you in the right direction.

Set aside these bones life throws you. Learn to appreciate their value long before you gobble them up, only to be left with nothing but a bad memory due to the lack of control.

"Please Forgive Me"

"If My Love For You Could Be Measured"

If my love for you could be measured by volume,

God's great universe could not hold it all.

If my love for you could be measured in distance,

The farthest star would not be far enough.

If my love for you could be measured in time,

Only God Himself  could last longer.

If my love for you could be measured in strength,

Hell's angels could not bring it down.

If my love for you could be measured in desire,

The sun's flames would only be a candle.

My love for you cannot be measured.

My love for you I cannot deny.

I love you that much and with all that I am

And I will beyond the day that I die.

"I Wish I Were"

"It Really Doesn't"

"I Want to Run"

Some days I want to run away to a place where I can never be found until I wish to be. I want to be somewhere else other than where I am. I have done that a time or two, just venture off to a place I have never been. My thoughts escape me because they are consumed with the thoughts of you, like a an unquenchable thirst, a relentless hunger. I want to run to you, but will you allow me to?

You are filled with fear. I see that and I can't help but know in my heart why. I can't blame you. I am there as well. I understand. Most don't really understand what it really takes for a woman to give herself to a man. I now understand that. I now know why. It's just as difficult for me to give my self to a woman. Most men find it easy to look at a woman's ass and think they are reading her mind. It doesn't work that way. It never has.

I want to give you my heart. I trust you with it explicitly. I want to share my most intimate thoughts and dreams with you. I want to fill the void I see in you. It's the same void I possess. I, like you, am afraid, but possibly for different reasons. I am afraid of my own heart. The pain I have caused remains like a bullet near my spine that could never be removed, a constant reminder of my sins. But I have learned to ease the pain. It's in my nature. I'm like the chameleon in many ways. I blend in to hide my fears, the love I have and want to give, as well as my imperfections. I can't continue being that way much longer. it serves no real purpose.

Being good enough is my greatest fear. You are way out of my league. Your beauty is almost unapproachable, intimidating, in fact, but I want to take you in my arms right now and hold you in hopes of causing your fears to diminish, as well as my own. Is that possible? Through all of my years of sin I have learned how to love. I know what I want. I only want one more chance. I pray it isn't too late!