I Love You...

I awaken from a night's sleep. I stumble towards the utilities and the first thing I see is the mirror. If I'm not into much of a hurry, and I usually am, I stop and take a look. Can I say it? Those three words? Can I look at myself and say I love you!? 

Granted, I rarely think about it. I certainly can't remember actually doing it. We say I love you to at least one person in a day and certainly more. Why should it be so different to say it to ourselves? Why does it seem so hard to do? Nobody knows us like we do, right?

The only person thinking you're not good enough is you. Try it. Tell yourself I love you! It's all in the response. 

"So Much to Keep in Mind"

It's been a long day. The interactions I have with people can be anywhere from devastating to inspiring. Everyone one has their own way of doing things, expressing their thoughts, and all I want is for folks to be who they are. I listen to their short stories. I tell a few of mine. All the while trying to stay focused on the job at hand. I am left at the end of my day with thoughts about it all. Most of the time, it leaves a huge mess on my mind and it's difficult to sort it all out in a way where I can separate my own thoughts and put them to together in a way that makes sense. Sometimes I forget that I have my own episodes to go through and categorize. 

That's one reason I find it hard to drift away to sleep when the time comes. I'm thinking of everything, reliving everything in my mind at days end. I remember the laughter, the smiles, the words, and the pain, knowing that there is not a lot I can do to help make things better while realizing somethings just can't be fixed or explained. I have to find balance between my life and others. That's already an all-day job in itself. It's exhausting! 

At the end of the day, I know it all comes down to me, my day, my tomorrow, my hopes, and my plans. I know what I want. I know what I am in need of. That hasn't changed as of yet. Will my hopes and dreams come to pass? Or even, should they? I find myself wondering if I have to abandon some of my hopes and dreams because I do have echoes bouncing around in my mind that may suggest that very thing. I dare not listen because I'm stubborn, for the most part and I don't wish to give up or give in. There can be so many factors that come into play like who, what, when, where, and most importantly, why. Is my heart pure? Is it possible? Would it be right or wrong? Who will my hopes and dreams have an effect on? So much to keep in mind!

"I Hope This Is True" 

It's an early Friday evening and you haven't been home from work very long. You have a date tonight. Your mind is firing on all one billion cylinders, stressing over what to wear, what you are going to do, and most importantly, how will it go? You want very much to put your best forward into the light. There is an abundance of 'What if's' slowing you down but motivating you at the same time. What a time to be alive, right? How were things the days, or times prior to this day? 

You wake up and go through your daily routine, go to work and come home, and chill in the way you do that is sort of private, so you don't chat about that very much. "It's just me here" so you really don't give a shit about appearances. you're just being you. I have always believed, for a very long time now, that people aren't really lazy. They just lack motivation. This is a debatable idea for some, so bear with me. Even the "laziest" people you may know can be motivated to accomplish something if you know what it is that will put a fire under their ass. 

Everyone has wants, needs, ideas, or goals they deem valuable enough to go for. Most of the time, once goals are attained, or wants and needs have been fulfilled, we return to the mundane in our lives until the next adventure arises. Then we stress again. We become motivated. My question is, why are we so motivated to better ourselves for others, and not just for ourselves? Do we feel inadequate, less than what we feel we should be, in our own eyes? Are we just not worth the effort? Usually, those times are more intense, involving more in-depth decisions that would most likely result in a change in life or lifestyle. Most of the time, scrutiny towards us over time impacts us detrimentally, leaving us to doubt ourselves and lessen our self-worth and this is extremely difficult to overcome. 

So, how bad do you want the change? How will you benefit? What are the costs for making the wrong decision or not making one at all? Are the rewards of making the best decision worth it? The most important question one needs to ask as well as answer is "Am I worth it?". When the heart is pure in the results you desire, then success will not escape you. I hope this is true.

 November 30, 2023

"The Fork in The Road"...

How many of those do we encounter in our lives? I would think quite a few. It would be safe to say every decision we ever make is a fork in this ever-shortening road. As the years pass, I feel like there have been so many that they have become one big-ass fork. The left fork says, "been there, done that". The right fork says, "going to be a 'been there, done that'". Ya see? Just another damn fork!

I haven't quite decided whether this fork is a stumbling block, or a roadblock, or even a block at all. I have been at this place for a long time now. I can't seem to make a decision on which way to go, left or right. What means more to me? This or that? Probably closer to the truth it is do I give a shit about me, or no? We have all been here. I'm not the first, and even the last time feels like the first time. "Live for the moment" they say. What if you feel you aren't living? 

I believe change is the key factor here. Change can be a stumbling block, or a roadblock, but a block, none the less. CHANGE! We live and we learn, and we become set in our ways with whatever has worked for us all this time. So, change can be huge! For a very few, changes can ease their mind or even soothe their soul. But for the rest of us? Holy shit! It's downright scary. It all comes down to the bare basics, the pros and the cons, for you. It's not selfish to take care of yourself first. If you are broken down, what good are you to anyone anyway? Taking care of yourself may be the most courageous thing you will ever do. 

November 23, 2023

Middle Age

Today is Thanksgiving. There's not a lot going on in my household. It's basically SOSDD. It's in the air, though. It's quiet. It's a time of reflection, if you dare. We have all heard of the middle age crisis but has anyone ever tried to define it or determined a timeline for it? For myself, I have come to the conclusion that middle age is when you begin looking backwards in time rather than forward. Before this point in time, we are engulfed in thoughts of the future; our dreams, our goals, or what's really important in our lives. Now we still look back on our memories, but for inspiration. As time slowly marches on the > turns into <. 

As life goes, we are left with more questions than answers like, have we made a difference? As miniscule as we may seem to be in this world, we do have a legacy. What's mine? What's yours? What would your epitaph be?  Did we grow? Were we stagnant? Was it ALL worth it? 

For this moment, I choose to measure worth from the people around me. Their feedback tells me everything I need to know. I still do stupid shit. I still say stupid shit. That will probably never change, at least until someone puts me in my place. But mentally, I'm in pretty good shape, considering what my body has been through the last 6 years or so. Because of that, I can still look forward with hopes and dreams, and more opportunities. My hopes? My dreams? Yes, they are still very important to me. At times I feel that's all I have left. 

The last few weeks my mind has been so active and chaotic, at best. Countless ideas and questions have flooded my mind, sometimes having an adverse effect on my spirit. Although I try to be an open book, some thoughts or ideas I keep so secret and so deeply buried they will go with me to my grave. But through it all and after it's all said and done, I have felt more love in my heart now than I ever have. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because I have had more time to "cultivate". I am deeply grateful for everyone I have known, both past and present. Treat people the way you want to be treated, It's not always easy but that's my golden rule. It works for me. It keeps me looking forward. 

WHAT'S NEXT?

It's 2:35 in the morning and my mind is so damn busy so sleep is out of the question. I was asked the other day if I had written anything lately and I hadn't, not for over seven years. I'm not sure why that is. It just is. My philosophy has simplified over the years and that can have a lot to do with why. Eleven or twelve years ago when I was writing the most, I had a lot of free time on my hands as well as a lot on my mind. Now, free time is a premium that's become very expensive. Yet, I have wasted a great deal of it. Shame on me!

Life's road has been ladened with a lot of curves and I have had to slow down in order to navigate my ways in a safe manner. I spend more of my time nowadays interacting with people than I have in a very long time. I have become known to some as "Grandpa", which I don't mind really. The point is I have become someone to someone and that's ok too. I wouldn't have it any other way. I have felt love from so many folks and that has been a huge motivator to keep rolling on and that pace has become steady. I have had some peace and that is a very good thing for me. 

But, what's next? I honestly haven't the foggiest idea. I still have wants. I still have needs. I still have dreams. I still have goals. The big question is do I still have time? Again, I haven't the foggiest idea. Motivation has evaporated for some of the goals I had set earlier in my life mainly because I'm just getting too old for this shit. But that doesn't mean I have shelved those goals. I will always have hope. I will always have faith in myself.