"Bent or Broken?"

It’s about 1am on a Monday morning and I am relaxing for a little bit before retiring for the night and I got to thinking after reading an e-mail. Yeah, I do think from time to time. A wonderful friend spoke of being broken, metaphorically, and I couldn’t help but think about that word and the context in which it was spoken. Broken! Wow, what can one say about this word? I understand completely what my friend was saying, and I understand why. We know enough about each other’s history to be able to understand each other and that’s a very good thing.

So, bent or broken? Which one depicts a more profound message? Both have this and both are an example of positive thinking so the answer would be left to the individual, I reckon. But as friends do, we lift each other up as high as we can. We share our experiences and sometimes, fearfully, because of what someone else may think, even some of our closest friends. That’s just raw human nature and not much, if anything, can change that. To be accepted in spite of it all is inherent in all of us. We all crave that.

So, in my thinking that I do from time to time, I try to think outside the sphere because there is always more than one way look at things and I strive to be more positive; not to feel superior in any way because I selflessly share these ideas and my closest friends know my motives. Again, that’s a very good thing. I share my ideas and sometimes, someone might agree and even when we don’t, we still accept that that’s just the way it is and that’s so cool to me. That’s so much more than a token friendship. Damn, that’s a lot of “that’s” in that paragraph.

Now, I got off track so back to the subject. I like to think being bent is to be just that, only bent, and you can “mold” yourself back into shape again and even allowing ones who give a real shit to help in that reforming. This doesn’t mean I am the only one right. It means that being broken can be just as right and just as profound. It’s all in how you look at things once you have experienced and reflected on your own life experiences.

"Suicidal"

I understand that this is a rather morbid subject to have on my mind tonight, but that’s just how my mind works. It’s a troublesome and heart wrenching subject and it’s not for everyone to read about. But what causes me to have it on my mind is a song that I have known of for over twenty years now. The title of the song is “For Annie”, performed by Petra. It’s about the suicide of a girl, but you would have to listen to the song to really get the story and context of its meaning. It’s in the contemporary gospel genre of music. I love the group and their music but this particular song really bothers me. Allow me to explain why. But first, let allow me to say that I, in no way shape or form, condone nor think that suicide is an answer to any problems one may have and that we all should look for the signs in hopes of stopping such a tragedy to happen.

The purpose of the song is to get the word out that suicide does happen and that there is something we could say or do to prevent it from happening. But, what I have a problem with is that it focuses too much on Jesus and his love for human kind and that he cares. There’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself. I am a born again Christian. But I think the song takes away the real issue and you can hear that in the lyrics. “Momma has her meetings. Daddy has his job.” In other words, the parents were so wrapped up in their own lives and left no time for “Annie”. That is what bothers me most. The chorus goes like this, “You’ve got to her Jesus loves her, Jesus really cares.” It seems to me the parents should be telling “Annie” that they love her and that they care.

It tells a story that “Annie” may have died and gone to hell because no one told her of Jesus Christ. I simply can’t accept that. I can’t help but wonder and feel that “Annie” already knew of His love and she knew that He cared and that is the reason she did what she did, to be with someone who does love her and does care, because she felt her parents didn’t.

I really have issues with those who pretend to know the hearts of others, even those closest to them, especially when religion or spirituality comes into play. The heart is something that only God knows and no one should be so arrogant to think otherwise.

I don’t pretend that I am the perfect parent. But I do thank God that both of my children do have their place at the dinner table with Jesus Christ. I don’t take credit for this. But I know in my heart that showing them and telling them that I loved them every day and every chance I had, give them the direction they needed to seek Gods only begotten Son. They are my children but that certainly does not give me the right to say what’s in their heart and what they believe to be true for themselves.

Who really knows the heart of a person who has decided to end their own life? Yes, they sometimes leave messages but they very rarely reveal the true heart of that person, not the deepest parts where only God knows. Truth be known, there will more than likely be more do-badders in heaven than do-gooders. My point is who is to really say?

I know of two family friends who have actually ended their own life. First it was the Father, a widower, and a few months later, it was his own son. There is no way on God’s green earth I am going to set here and say that these two are going to hell because of what they did. It’s not my place nor is it anyone else’s. Judging others is something that we should not do. We can never know the true heart. What goes on between God and every individual is very sacred and very private and most of us keep it that way for a reason.

Suicide is not a good thing. But assuming what’s in the heart of others is just as bad..

Billy Joel - Keeping The Faith

"The Most Difficult Thing"

Here lately, I have had the most difficult time dealing with issues of family and how that relationship should be. You would think that family members are the ones you could depend on in times of difficulty and hardship and for the most part, that’s true. But they can also be the ones you can’t depend on. It can be like “I scratch your back, you stab mine”.

It’s not the first time this has happened to me, though. Several times I have been screwed in some way by a family member and it’s a very painful thing and you are left thinking, WTF? I wish I knew the answers as to why this sort of thing happens but I don’t. My guess is that they will automatically assume that they will be forgiven for their transgressions against you, or they really don’t give a shit about you. It’s a selfish and arrogant thing either way you look at it. The truth is, you normally forgive them in time and move on. But that still doesn’t make it easier to experience or accept.

I love my family with all of my heart no matter what. I can’t live my life dwelling on what they may say or do to me that hurts. All I know to do is to forgive and in time, forget. Maybe I am naïve in thinking that they will learn from what has been done and not do it again. I know I couldn’t and never have been able to live with myself knowing I have done something towards or used a family member in any way. If I borrow, I give or pay it back and I am honest in letting one know exactly when they can expect pay back. It’s a matter of treating others the way you wish to be treated. You may not always be treated likewise but it’s good for the spirit knowing you have done it yourself and that’s what really matters.

"Friendship"

This word has or should have meaning. And probably, it has different meaning and depth to each of us. Some people confuse acquaintances with friends. Some folks have a great many friends and that is all well and good. And some have only a handful of friends and I can reasonably say that is true of just about everyone. We all have ‘buddies’. But do we all have true friends? I certainly hope so.

Personally, I have quite a few acquaintances and only a handful of true friends. I have even less than a handful of best friends, those wonderful folks I can be my true self with and not have shame. In fact, I can safely say that I have had only three or four best friends. One I haven’t seen in over thirty five years. He was my best friend at that time of my life. He was my running buddy. He was my roommate. I could be myself and laugh at myself with him.

I have only about three who I can truly say are my best friends in this time of my life. One has been my best friend for over twenty years now. Another has been my best friend for almost six years. We still get together and shoot the shit, talk about one another’s problem of the day. I have met one here a few months ago who is destined to be one of my closest friends. They all have one thing in common. I fell in love with all of them in the beginning and I even married one of them, twice. But I have learned to nurture our friendships and make them last until I take my last breath. It takes, above all else, honesty and trust. It takes patience and it takes a willingness to look in a mirror every once in a while and realize that you can only judge yourself. It is an endless acceptance of whom they are and who you are. It takes love at the highest level for them and yourself.

I love each of my best friends equally yet differently, and that’s because they are different in their own right. They accept me for who I am in spite of knowing all there is to know about me. They understand me probably better than I understand myself.

"This Song In My Heart"

I woke up this am and the second thought or thing that came into my mind was a song. I can’t even remember what my first thought was so it wasn’t as near as important as this song and I have been awake now for almost forty minutes and it’s still there. I was raised as a child in the Christian faith. My Mom, being a single parent, would wake us younger kids up every Sunday morning and take us to church. I say single parent because it does have relevance here. God was all she knew that she could depend on in helping to take care of the ten children she had at that time. It has been the same for me a great many times in my own life, as well.

This is something I really don’t talk about much, my spirituality, but I do try to live my life as a good Christian. I remember accepting Jesus Christ as a child. I think I was about nine years old but I remember it like it was yesterday. Yeah, I know and understand that nine years old is a little young and understanding what one does at that age, especially giving your heart to God, can be misunderstood. Looking back, it is only a childlike faith, which is something I haven’t had in a long while now.

With all that is going on in my life, I have really needed something to hold on to. My faith has been challenged to the core and it has wavered somewhat, so when I was given this song this morning, I was taken back a bit and I wondered, “God, could this be You giving me some hope?” Well, of course it is! “It is no secret what God can do. What He’s done for others, He can do for you.” That is the song, the lyrics that is running through my mind and, hopefully, enveloping my heart.

I once had a conversation with a pastor I had met while living in the Dallas area. He and I had met on occasion to chat about what was going on in my heart and my mind. He just seemed like someone I could actually trust and put everything out there on the table without ‘preaching’ to me, and he was that type of a pastor, a friend he was indeed. The last time we talked, I had told him of my issues of organized religion and of how I didn’t depend on God for the things I could do for myself. I have a mind that is mostly clear and a body that is pretty healthy for my age and I could do most anything I set my mind to do and I have always believed that this was a gift from God, so I used it to the best of my ability. I guess what I mean by all this is I very rarely asked God for something I already had. He suggested I begin to depend on God for even the littlest of things, mainly to not allow myself to forget where my gift had come from and to let God know that He is still being acknowledged for all I have been given.

Did I take it to heart what this wonderful man had told me? Not really. I let my pride take first place because I just couldn’t bring myself to think that I couldn’t do anything without God’s help. I usually waited until I would be confronted with something that was much bigger than I or something I had no control over.

Even through all this time that has gone by and through my denying God His credits, He is still with me. I am so thankful for this and I believe with all my heart that God knows this. With a tear in my eye I humbly recognize where my strength lies and that I can’t do it all without God’s help. For the moment, He is all I have.

"My Sunrise and Sunsets"

My sunrises are special to me in many ways. First, it's a brand new day for me; one I have never lived before. Second, It would mean that I have awakened next to you after a peaceful nights rest, in your arms, and sometimes resting in your arms after the sweetest lovemaking I have ever known. It's our time, our quiet time together, except for the sounds of lovers in love. The whispers of "I love you" in one anothers ears, before, during , and after is pretty much all we hear. It's the time we share that on one can take away nor should be shared even with our closest friends. It's our private time.

My sunsets are just as special when shared with you, the one I love without shame or boundaries...it's an unlimited love. It means I or we have put in our days work to provide the needs of the day and a few wants along the way. To lie with you along a beach and watch the sunset over the horizon is an absolutely beautiful dream for me and to make love while this miracle we take for granted happens...WOW! Or to sit together on a patio high above the valley below and watch the sun set over the mountains or rolling hills, drinking what ever we choose to have, diet pepsi or coffee. We would quietly chat about the day and plan for the morrow. The colors in the partly clouded sky would have vibrant oranges and yellows with a little fiery reds in between. We might even get out the sleeping bag made for two and cuddle and well,,,make love with each other.

They are both special in their own way for they have meaning to our life together; together being the key word. I miss you!