I Miss That

It was a busy moment, and I was quietly working. After a few seconds I sensed a presence and I looked up and there you were, just peacefully looking me right in the eyes. I looked away after a few seconds and then looked back. You were still there, eyes to eyes. I wasn't sure what to think, but I went with it because it was one of the most wonderful moments I have felt in a very long time. I miss that! 

 A TIMELY INVESTMENT...

There is a common denominator in everything and that is time. Time has an effect on EVERYTHING!!! Throughout...um...time, it has been and always will be the greatest commodity, seemingly increasing in value as it runs out. Nothing is free and that includes time, and no replenishment or bartering is allowed, ever! Can we have power over time? I don't know for sure. Maybe?

I have met and come to know many people in my lifetime, and I have a handful of people I have known for decades I still visit with from time to time, just to chat, keeping in touch and each one of those persons is different from the other. How's that for diversity, huh? Anyways, there was a price to be paid for each encounter from everyone and that cost was time. Was it worth it? How much value was there? That would depend on the system that each one of us has developed to evaluate encounters and our relationships with each other. 

Does time have the ability manipulate us or anything? Or is it just being? We have the power over how we spend our time, according to what our particular needs are. We can't control it, but we can utilize our time to our favor. Patience is definitely a virtue here. Get to know the people around you, time permitting and don't be obnoxious and don't make assumptions. Don't judge! Time permitting. There are layers upon layers of thoughts and emotions that are somewhat sorted for some to be shared and the rest, not. Tell your stories and listen to other stories. Knowledge is not power. It's understanding. 

This Funk...

It's a quiet night, thankfully. Sleep evaded me until about 4:30 this am and having to get up at 9 for an earlier shift, it doesn't lead into a great day.  I was physically tired, last night, but my mind was on fire! It would not slow down for some reason. So much has been going on and everything seemed to be snowballing, and I couldn't outrun it. I also had a day that is almost unexplainable. Have you ever watched yourself, in your mind's eye and think. You're acting like an idiot! Yeah, it was one of those days. I can only hope no one noticed what I saw. 

Today, with a few of those idiotic visuals of myself still dancing around in my head, it was pretty much uneventful. I did my work, with some comradery blended in and went home. I'm a tad exhausted but fine. I left the paranoia at work in hopes of some much-needed peace. So, in spite of a very minor nagging headache, it's been a pretty good day. This brings me to the funk.

I have noticed in the last few years an addition to one of my aches and pains of aging. Depression. No other word for it. But I wonder about self-doubt, how related is that to depression? It's a part of life for all of us, even if for brief periods, I would think. But it can be devastating to some, no doubt. I have somewhat learned that if I choose my battles I can at the very least break even. Most of the time I'm fine, but there are times when I just don't give a shit. Not very often, thankfully, but those times do occur. 

It's been a couple of weeks since I started this. Maybe I can bring it to some kind of a conclusion. Practically the same scenario, no sleep until around 6 this morning. Work was dreadfully slow and uneventful. And some thoughts that have kept my mind busy for some times now are beginning to evaporate, allowing more space for the funk fog to roll in. 

I still have no real conclusion for this. To be continued... 

I Love You...

I awaken from a night's sleep. I stumble towards the utilities and the first thing I see is the mirror. If I'm not into much of a hurry, and I usually am, I stop and take a look. Can I say it? Those three words? Can I look at myself and say I love you!? 

Granted, I rarely think about it. I certainly can't remember actually doing it. We say I love you to at least one person in a day and certainly more. Why should it be so different to say it to ourselves? Why does it seem so hard to do? Nobody knows us like we do, right?

The only person thinking you're not good enough is you. Try it. Tell yourself I love you! It's all in the response. 

"So Much to Keep in Mind"

It's been a long day. The interactions I have with people can be anywhere from devastating to inspiring. Everyone one has their own way of doing things, expressing their thoughts, and all I want is for folks to be who they are. I listen to their short stories. I tell a few of mine. All the while trying to stay focused on the job at hand. I am left at the end of my day with thoughts about it all. Most of the time, it leaves a huge mess on my mind and it's difficult to sort it all out in a way where I can separate my own thoughts and put them to together in a way that makes sense. Sometimes I forget that I have my own episodes to go through and categorize. 

That's one reason I find it hard to drift away to sleep when the time comes. I'm thinking of everything, reliving everything in my mind at days end. I remember the laughter, the smiles, the words, and the pain, knowing that there is not a lot I can do to help make things better while realizing somethings just can't be fixed or explained. I have to find balance between my life and others. That's already an all-day job in itself. It's exhausting! 

At the end of the day, I know it all comes down to me, my day, my tomorrow, my hopes, and my plans. I know what I want. I know what I am in need of. That hasn't changed as of yet. Will my hopes and dreams come to pass? Or even, should they? I find myself wondering if I have to abandon some of my hopes and dreams because I do have echoes bouncing around in my mind that may suggest that very thing. I dare not listen because I'm stubborn, for the most part and I don't wish to give up or give in. There can be so many factors that come into play like who, what, when, where, and most importantly, why. Is my heart pure? Is it possible? Would it be right or wrong? Who will my hopes and dreams have an effect on? So much to keep in mind!

"I Hope This Is True" 

It's an early Friday evening and you haven't been home from work very long. You have a date tonight. Your mind is firing on all one billion cylinders, stressing over what to wear, what you are going to do, and most importantly, how will it go? You want very much to put your best forward into the light. There is an abundance of 'What if's' slowing you down but motivating you at the same time. What a time to be alive, right? How were things the days, or times prior to this day? 

You wake up and go through your daily routine, go to work and come home, and chill in the way you do that is sort of private, so you don't chat about that very much. "It's just me here" so you really don't give a shit about appearances. you're just being you. I have always believed, for a very long time now, that people aren't really lazy. They just lack motivation. This is a debatable idea for some, so bear with me. Even the "laziest" people you may know can be motivated to accomplish something if you know what it is that will put a fire under their ass. 

Everyone has wants, needs, ideas, or goals they deem valuable enough to go for. Most of the time, once goals are attained, or wants and needs have been fulfilled, we return to the mundane in our lives until the next adventure arises. Then we stress again. We become motivated. My question is, why are we so motivated to better ourselves for others, and not just for ourselves? Do we feel inadequate, less than what we feel we should be, in our own eyes? Are we just not worth the effort? Usually, those times are more intense, involving more in-depth decisions that would most likely result in a change in life or lifestyle. Most of the time, scrutiny towards us over time impacts us detrimentally, leaving us to doubt ourselves and lessen our self-worth and this is extremely difficult to overcome. 

So, how bad do you want the change? How will you benefit? What are the costs for making the wrong decision or not making one at all? Are the rewards of making the best decision worth it? The most important question one needs to ask as well as answer is "Am I worth it?". When the heart is pure in the results you desire, then success will not escape you. I hope this is true.

 November 30, 2023

"The Fork in The Road"...

How many of those do we encounter in our lives? I would think quite a few. It would be safe to say every decision we ever make is a fork in this ever-shortening road. As the years pass, I feel like there have been so many that they have become one big-ass fork. The left fork says, "been there, done that". The right fork says, "going to be a 'been there, done that'". Ya see? Just another damn fork!

I haven't quite decided whether this fork is a stumbling block, or a roadblock, or even a block at all. I have been at this place for a long time now. I can't seem to make a decision on which way to go, left or right. What means more to me? This or that? Probably closer to the truth it is do I give a shit about me, or no? We have all been here. I'm not the first, and even the last time feels like the first time. "Live for the moment" they say. What if you feel you aren't living? 

I believe change is the key factor here. Change can be a stumbling block, or a roadblock, but a block, none the less. CHANGE! We live and we learn, and we become set in our ways with whatever has worked for us all this time. So, change can be huge! For a very few, changes can ease their mind or even soothe their soul. But for the rest of us? Holy shit! It's downright scary. It all comes down to the bare basics, the pros and the cons, for you. It's not selfish to take care of yourself first. If you are broken down, what good are you to anyone anyway? Taking care of yourself may be the most courageous thing you will ever do.