Most of us find ourselves living without someone at one time or another in our lives. Sometimes it’s only temporary but most often it’s a permanent thing. As a parent I understand more of what my Mom was all about but I know I can never understand her perspective from being a mother. Mothers are so different from fathers. It must be a gender thing. So I can safely say that fathers just do stupid shit. That doesn’t necessarily make them stupid. They just have a momentary lapse in good judgment. Ok, you got me….fathers can be stupid at times.

My Mom has been gone a little over four years now. I learned a lot from her but I wonder why she did certain things when it came to us kids. A large family can present certain challenges. About the only thing small and large families have in common is that each child is different from the other. They all have their own identity. That alone presents a greater challenge the larger the family is. The mother and father both have equal access (when there is a literal family unit anyway) to learn who their children really are and if the fathers were to be truly honest with themselves, they would more than likely admit that the mother is usually more accurate and definitely more detailed in knowing her own children. Again, it’s a gender thing.

My siblings and I were given (or we took) a lot of freedom in our childhood. But given (or taking) this loose leash didn’t mean we were immune from the consequences of our actions. We paid dearly for our transgressions. But I often wondered why this was. Was she so overwhelmed by the number of children she had tugging at her apron strings that she just let things be in order to make her motherhood a little easier? I know that sounds like I’m not giving my Mom much credit but trust me. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My Mom had a great deal of faith in God as well as in herself. But being the Goddess she was, she still couldn’t be everywhere at once doing everything for everybody so she depended a lot on God above to teach us kids certain things. I understand that.

Did her motherly ways pave the way for letting go easier? Maybe a little, I guess. Watching your child go through the front door out into the world to be on their own is scary. Maybe she was wise more than I have ever given her credit for. But letting go is a two way street. We kids have to let go of our parents. Both are easier said than done. And sooner or later, the time will come when that permanent arrangement of separation will come. That’s when we are tested as parents as well as children. How well did we teach? How well did we learn? If we are lucky and blessed we have taught and learned equally. Learning to live without you has been as easy as I have allowed it to be. You have done well, Mom, as great as the challenges were. You never quit. I love you for that!

"It's A Slow Fade"....

I can hardly believe it’s been thirty years but it has. That’s a long time in my book; a long time to know someone, a long time to learn to appreciate someone, and a long time to learn about one’s self. It’s even longer, no matter how long ago in the past things happen, to live with regrets. Regrets? I have only one.

We are only human. We make mistakes. But it isn’t a mistake when you already know better, when you have already made promises. You may never understand why you do stupid shit. You try to go back to a beginning to find where things began to change but success eludes you. All you can do is tell yourself, “What’s the point? You did it and nothing else really matters when it’s all said and done.” You hope to be forgiven and you hope to forgive yourself. But true forgiveness doesn’t erase the past.

Actions change lives, ways of thinking, and hearts, in good and bad ways. After all these years, I still think about my actions. I can never go back and change what I have done. No one can. That is when regret is born, when you wish to God that you could change the past, knowing you can’t. We live with our guilt, our shame, keeping it tucked away where on one can see it, for our eyes only. Every once in a while it all comes out in the open. That bites! But you keep moving forward. Sometimes we lie and keep it hidden. Sometimes we don’t. I have chosen not to lie about my past. Why bother lying about it? At least I will know who will accept me as I am.

It’s a slow fade. The breaking of someone’s heart is instantaneous, but the road to getting there wasn’t. It had to have started somewhere. The past behind us is also a slow fade. Hearts begin to heal and spirits begin to come alive again. Only time can assist in all this healing. You could try all you want but the damage is already done, the wounds are clearly open. All you can do is never do stupid shit that hurt the ones you love. You may never get a second chance to do it right the first time.

"Thinking"

I always wonder what goes through the mind of a child, especially when I see photos such as this one. I absolutely love this! He is watching his sister search for easter eggs and I can’t help but feel his pain because he is on the inside looking out. This is just one of those rare photos that says so much and all you want to do is pick him up and give him the biggest hug and comfort him as best you can, to help him forget his woes.

We all have been in his shoes more than once and I am sure this won’t be the last time for him. I have personally known a few people in my own lifetime that have been where this little guy is now, wanting to be a part of something that looks like so much fun and can’t. There are many who spend a lifetime wanting to have a normal life and can’t. Thankfully and hopefully, those times will be farther and fewer in between for this little fellow. Be thankful for what you have, especially if you have been blessed more than some, or anyone. It can all be gone in a split second.

"Who Invented God?".....

Sometimes I wonder about whether this question should read, “Who invented Spirituality?” So many different answers can come out of the woodwork with it being asked either way. And before you get to wondering if this is a “God basher”, have no fear. What would that serve anyway? But this all comes at this moment from a conversation I was having about Biblical things. I was asked what my thoughts on Armageddon were. I have found that as I get older, there are more questions about religion than there are answers and that just doesn’t make a lot of sense. The norm is as we get older we “cram for the final exam”. 60% of people age 65 or older report going to church at least once a week. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. 10% are 15-24 years old and 25-44 years old are 20%. Maybe you can decipher the rest on your own. The bottom line is that the statement is true. The older we get, the closer we wish to be with God. For myself, I find the older I get, the more I learn about the history of religion and the more I understand things.

But understanding doesn’t necessarily ban confusion, hence more questions than answers as I age. I was raised in the Christian faith and Southern Baptist denomination. I was saved at the age of nine and rededicated my life to Jesus on Easter Sunday, 1978. What can I say? It’s one of those unforgettable life changing events. I was a young man with love on his mind and everything happened to get all turned around on that day. I was very acceptable to change, as I am now. I was very open to God and He has remained open to me throughout my life; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Today, I consider myself more spiritual than religious. Even though I have learned so much about religion historically, I still can’t let go of how I felt inside in those times of need, for the lack of a better word, especially those younger years, those more formidable years. This not to mention the ghosts or spirits I have encountered in this latter part of my life. I have yet to actually see one but I have heard one and I have a very valid witness to this. This same witness has had an ‘out of body experience’. I also include déjà vu in this because I happen to think it is caused by re-incarnation, another spiritual oddity. So, I can’t totally let go of the notion that there is a spiritual realm amongst us.

Some would argue, or most rather, that God wasn’t invented but the inventor. Sometimes I wonder about that more than anything. Mankind does have an awesome and crazy imagination. For instance, remember when everyone believed when the earth was flat? Boy, were we wrong! We think we know it all then an epiphany will come along and just throw things off kilter.

I think it is all about that fear of death we all have had or still do. I have thought about death for as long as I can remember. I honestly think we all know about it from the beginning of life. It was just something that came to my mind, something I wondered about a lot. I don’t think I am the exception to the rule. I think about it more as I get older, sometimes with fear and sometimes with anticipation. At times what I thought about death, how my little mind dealt with it, was seeing it as not yet been born, the same as it was before you were born. It was just a thought. Sometimes I think it is a peaceful thing, simply put, no more living. By the way, I fear not living than I do death itself.

God invented? Maybe, maybe not. As I age, I tend to lean towards yes but there is still that little bit of mystery and intrigue that life has left me with; those times when my faith was the strongest and I had no fear of anything. I believe with all of my heart that there is something, unexplainable and greater than I am dwelling amongst us. It’s not really a place of pure hell or pure heaven. All I do know to say is that I didn’t get to where I am alone. If I invented this, I am not aware of it but I can’t fully deny it either. It’s a very personal choice based on our very own experiences. It is certainly not worth fighting and killing over, religion I mean. But that seems to be a historical fact. Maybe God wasn’t invented but religion definitely was. It’s of man. We are such arrogant creatures, aren’t we?

"The Love of A Parent"

Nothing troubles my spirit more than a parent that doesn’t seem to give a damn about their kid/s. It hurts me to the core and it sorely pisses me off. I’m not talking about the parents who have gone their separate ways, yet still find the heart to care for their children. I’m talking about those parents who completely wash their hands of a child, for any reason. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I was rarely with my own Father, but what time I was with him, I was his son and he was my Father. The rest of my life I depended upon my heavenly Father for guidance. I make no apologies for that either. He was, at times, all I had. And as much as I had thought that He had abandoned me, the opposite is so very true. He never did nor has. Even when I don’t feel His presence, He is here by my side, or likened to the foot prints in the sand, He is carrying me through my darkest times. I have tried my best to follow His lead in being a good Father myself, but I know I am nowhere near perfect.

My personal opinion is based all upon my own personal experiences and that is you never, ever, abandon your child, no matter what he or she has done or not done. I don’t give a damn what your reasoning is for doing so. If you do, then shame on you, period! You really need your head examined because something just isn’t right with you. You may call it “tough love”. That’s all well and good to a certain point but once you cross that fine line and wash your hands of a child, then you need your sorry ass beat down!

Absolutely nothing will sustain a child more than the love of a parent, real heartfelt love. If a child has a tiny bit of faith in you as a parent that you love him/her, that child will eventually be just fine. If you don’t have the patience to be a parent, then you never should have had children in the first place.

Your children are precious. If you have any doubts of whether I am right in any of this, ask a parent who can never hold their child, talk to their child or simply be with their child. I can’t help but think that the loss of a child is just as devastating to a parent as a child who believes they have lost the love of a parent. Children need some kind of guidance, that’s for sure. But they also need some kind of hope that can only come from a parent.

The Bellamy Brothers - Jalapenos

"Freedom"

I have seen and heard a lot of comments about freedom lately; freedom of speech, religion, peaceful assembly and many others. Churches are protesting at funerals of fallen soldiers saying that their deaths are the result of God’s judgment of our nation’s view of gay rights. Murders have been committed in the battle of the right to an abortion. AIDS has also been considered by the church a judgment of God because of the gay community. Rock and roll music is of the devil and so on. I can’t think of one single war that has not been about religion in some way. When will all of this come to an end?

What distinguishes God’s love from any other love is that He has given everyone of us the freedom of choice. To me, that is amazing! That is love in its purest form! Humankind has always worshipped some kind of God and historically, in many at the same time. This really hasn’t changed throughout time. Humankind has always had a feeling that there is someone or something greater than themselves lurking in the shadows. Understanding this has been the greatest challenge as well as accepting it within the different and diverse cultures.

This freedom of choice God has blessed us with is more involved than most “religious fanatics” realize. If God has granted us such an abounding freedom, then doesn’t it make sense that there should be no judgment from our peers? Do our choices make us any better or worse than anyone else? Just because we don’t see things from your perspective, does that doom us to hell?

You don’t protest at funerals of fallen soldiers who have fought and died so you can have that freedom to do so. Rock and roll is no more from the devil than the “cheatin, cheatin, cheatin, drinkin, drinkin, drinkin” country music that a great many have grown to love and the same goes for rap music, poetry, literature and any other artistic form of expression. None of this is of the devil! It is of humankind! It is of emotions felt, experiences gained, loves lost, tears shed and joys shared. It is about difficult time, joyous times and every imaginable thing under the sun.

Judge no one for the choices they have made for sometimes, there is no choice. We all have freedom of choice, even the freedom to judge, but judge only yourself for the choices you have made. I don’t think any God worth their love would have it any other way. It just doesn’t make any sense. Try walking in someone else’s shoes for a while. Then raise those shoes and look at the “souls” of those shoes and you will see this shit that they have been through. Only then will you appreciate God’s purest form of love, the freedom of choice!