"My Daily Dime"....

I haven’t written anything in a long while maybe because I haven’t had a lot to bitch about lately which has been a very good thing. To be quite frank, I am not sure I can say anything worth reading but I am going to give it my best shot. It’s just when things are going according to plan or better, you don’t take the time to concentrate on anything negative. You just roll with it!

Some time ago, going on six to eight years or so, I practically went through about two years were I would find a dime somewhere in our house. I would find them on the floor, usually in places you wouldn’t think of finding anything at all of value. I often wondered why this phenomenon was taking place and I still wonder to this day because it is happening again. I can safely say I have found more dimes than pennies in my lifetime. I haven’t decided if it’s a good or bad omen. Maybe it just is. What I do know is in the time past of my daily dime, life was very good. I was with or near family, I was employed, and was fairly content with the way my life had turned out and headed. I was pretty much on top of my world.

Life can be a road side disaster waiting to happen with all of the twists and turns with no guard rails to keep you between and out of the ditches and every once in a while, we do leave the road. Sometimes the damage is minor and sometimes chaotic at best and you spend so much time trying to fix things until you can get back on the road again and most of that time is spent trying to figure out how. Eventually you succeed and you are on your merry way to your original destination.

If I had to describe the meaning or the reasoning behind my daily dime it would be that good things don’t always come at once, unlike life’s little crashes we experience. It’s always about picking up the pieces of your broken life and putting it back together as best you can and hopefully leaving no scars or pieces behind. I have never concerned myself of whether or not these daily dimes were found on heads or tails, just that they were there for me to find. Take value in every piece for each one has its own place in the puzzle that when put together, makes a whole. These pieces can be family, friends or simple acquaintances that we happen to meet along the road. Their value is incomparable to any inanimate object we may have lost in the crash. I am forever grateful for my daily dimes.

"Living in Limbo, Texas"

Limbo, Texas, population…God only knows! There is no such place but there should be. Maybe I will make it happen. I could only imagine how many people would actually come to live there. I would promote the town as a temporary stopping place while your lives get back on track and moving along again.

I would have a “Limbo Corner Grocery” where I would really have to watch what comes in and goes out. I wouldn’t want spoiled product on the shelves from setting there so damn long. I could have a convenience store called “Limbo Come-N-Go” for those who just happen to be only passing through. What about a bar? Hmm…I would probably name it “The Lower Bar”, thinking that once you had your fill, you could actually crawl beneath it easily, without touching it, the bar that is. I would also have a “Limbo Public Library” for those who really want to go on with their lives by offering free WIFI or for those who really could give a shit about their situation and want to just have a good read.

Living in limbo would be stressful at times. Of course our neighbors would be a bit cranky at times. But all in all, I would do my best to make a great place to “visit” for a spell. God knows, I wouldn’t want any permanent residences there, not even for myself. Yeah! Living in Limbo, Texas would be an unforgettable experience for most. I would make sure of it. I know I will never forget my time in Limbo, Texas.

But, I must say that even so Limbo, Texas has been a bitch, and will continue to be so until I get out, I have met some mighty fine folks here that have been so good to me and so much help in just being there, and I hope I have been the same to them. Maybe one day you will Google Limbo, Texas on a map and it will be there with all of the information from Wikipedia. If so, I will see you there!

"The Stroke of Midnight"

A day ends and a new day begins in a split second. The tick of the clock is counting down what remains with no regards. It never ceases. I am alone. My mind is awake. My body is in some pain but only a little, from age I guess. My heart is empty yet full because I have no one to pour it out to. Does that even make sense? Forty years ago I would never have imagined that I am where I am this night. But who really knows how their life will be like even within the next second, much less decades into the future? It could very well end in less than a snap of your fingers.

I find my way. I reach goal after goal. Sometimes it’s the most difficult task and I get discouraged. I have even given up a time or two. But I move forward just like the hands on that damn clock. I can lie down at night sometimes and that’s the only thing I hear, that damn clock. It’s a constant reminder that for me time is going backwards. It’s coming to a close. Until that moment comes, I want to live. I want to do things I have never done. I want to meet people I have never met. I want to see things I have never seen. I want my mind to be rocked, my heart to overflow from grandchildren. I want to walk a mile in your shoes. I want to dream more dreams. I want to hear music. I want to write. I don’t want a “bucket list”. I want a “Fuck it, I’m doing it” list. Most of all, I want to be in love again.

"Stability In Life...For My Sons"

Stability, that’s what we all crave, like a deep seated hunger to belong, to be wanted and/or needed. If we have that in our lives, everything else chaotic seems lessened and life is less stressful. I have been keeping an eye on my youngest son for the last few years. I have watched him go through things that aren’t normal for any young person. I have watched him sit quietly and I knew he was thinking about his life, which is a normal thing to do for us all. I could feel his pain of no real companion in his life. I could see it in his eyes how he longed for such a partner that would accept him exactly the way he is and he never pretended to be anyone else. I also knew that under that rough and sometimes rude façade that there was a heart of gold ready to be shared.

We all have a deep burning desire to be a part of someone other than ourselves. Although we are solitarily complete, we are incomplete until we have that someone. If we were meant to be alone there would have never been more than one.

I have also kept a watchful eye on my oldest son. He also had his share of life problems. As it goes sometimes, it took a couple of tries before he found someone that loves him for who he is. They are no exception to the rule that we all have to find our way. Sometimes I wonder if it is wise to wish to be young again with no worries or cares but we all know that is bullshit. Being young has its challenges and some are insurmountable. We learn to cope as we age.

Father’s Day in just around the corner. I often think about that role I have taken on, by choice, and I wonder if I have actually done as good a job as I had always hoped I would do. I may never know the real answer until I am in my final days or even hours. But I will know in my heart before it’s all said and done.

If I could leave my sons any one piece of advice that would benefit them more than any other it would be to be brothers in the true sense of the word. It doesn’t matter what has happened between siblings. When love is there for one another, there is nothing to keep them estranged..NOTHING! I guess if I had to define success as a parent it would be that their children love one another as no other. That’s where love for others is truly born. If as a parent your children have done that, to me personally, that is success. I love you both with all my heart, Tony and Robby. I simply love you!

Most of us find ourselves living without someone at one time or another in our lives. Sometimes it’s only temporary but most often it’s a permanent thing. As a parent I understand more of what my Mom was all about but I know I can never understand her perspective from being a mother. Mothers are so different from fathers. It must be a gender thing. So I can safely say that fathers just do stupid shit. That doesn’t necessarily make them stupid. They just have a momentary lapse in good judgment. Ok, you got me….fathers can be stupid at times.

My Mom has been gone a little over four years now. I learned a lot from her but I wonder why she did certain things when it came to us kids. A large family can present certain challenges. About the only thing small and large families have in common is that each child is different from the other. They all have their own identity. That alone presents a greater challenge the larger the family is. The mother and father both have equal access (when there is a literal family unit anyway) to learn who their children really are and if the fathers were to be truly honest with themselves, they would more than likely admit that the mother is usually more accurate and definitely more detailed in knowing her own children. Again, it’s a gender thing.

My siblings and I were given (or we took) a lot of freedom in our childhood. But given (or taking) this loose leash didn’t mean we were immune from the consequences of our actions. We paid dearly for our transgressions. But I often wondered why this was. Was she so overwhelmed by the number of children she had tugging at her apron strings that she just let things be in order to make her motherhood a little easier? I know that sounds like I’m not giving my Mom much credit but trust me. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My Mom had a great deal of faith in God as well as in herself. But being the Goddess she was, she still couldn’t be everywhere at once doing everything for everybody so she depended a lot on God above to teach us kids certain things. I understand that.

Did her motherly ways pave the way for letting go easier? Maybe a little, I guess. Watching your child go through the front door out into the world to be on their own is scary. Maybe she was wise more than I have ever given her credit for. But letting go is a two way street. We kids have to let go of our parents. Both are easier said than done. And sooner or later, the time will come when that permanent arrangement of separation will come. That’s when we are tested as parents as well as children. How well did we teach? How well did we learn? If we are lucky and blessed we have taught and learned equally. Learning to live without you has been as easy as I have allowed it to be. You have done well, Mom, as great as the challenges were. You never quit. I love you for that!

"It's A Slow Fade"....

I can hardly believe it’s been thirty years but it has. That’s a long time in my book; a long time to know someone, a long time to learn to appreciate someone, and a long time to learn about one’s self. It’s even longer, no matter how long ago in the past things happen, to live with regrets. Regrets? I have only one.

We are only human. We make mistakes. But it isn’t a mistake when you already know better, when you have already made promises. You may never understand why you do stupid shit. You try to go back to a beginning to find where things began to change but success eludes you. All you can do is tell yourself, “What’s the point? You did it and nothing else really matters when it’s all said and done.” You hope to be forgiven and you hope to forgive yourself. But true forgiveness doesn’t erase the past.

Actions change lives, ways of thinking, and hearts, in good and bad ways. After all these years, I still think about my actions. I can never go back and change what I have done. No one can. That is when regret is born, when you wish to God that you could change the past, knowing you can’t. We live with our guilt, our shame, keeping it tucked away where on one can see it, for our eyes only. Every once in a while it all comes out in the open. That bites! But you keep moving forward. Sometimes we lie and keep it hidden. Sometimes we don’t. I have chosen not to lie about my past. Why bother lying about it? At least I will know who will accept me as I am.

It’s a slow fade. The breaking of someone’s heart is instantaneous, but the road to getting there wasn’t. It had to have started somewhere. The past behind us is also a slow fade. Hearts begin to heal and spirits begin to come alive again. Only time can assist in all this healing. You could try all you want but the damage is already done, the wounds are clearly open. All you can do is never do stupid shit that hurt the ones you love. You may never get a second chance to do it right the first time.

"Thinking"

I always wonder what goes through the mind of a child, especially when I see photos such as this one. I absolutely love this! He is watching his sister search for easter eggs and I can’t help but feel his pain because he is on the inside looking out. This is just one of those rare photos that says so much and all you want to do is pick him up and give him the biggest hug and comfort him as best you can, to help him forget his woes.

We all have been in his shoes more than once and I am sure this won’t be the last time for him. I have personally known a few people in my own lifetime that have been where this little guy is now, wanting to be a part of something that looks like so much fun and can’t. There are many who spend a lifetime wanting to have a normal life and can’t. Thankfully and hopefully, those times will be farther and fewer in between for this little fellow. Be thankful for what you have, especially if you have been blessed more than some, or anyone. It can all be gone in a split second.