"Diamond In The Rough".....

The diamond, the hardest compound known to humankind and the most coveted for its brilliance and longevity. The precious stone has brought many a smile to many a woman. It has brought many a tragedy for those who dare to mine for it. You wouldn’t think that it has made such an impact on our world, especially when looking at it in its most raw form, fresh from the mine, so dirty looking, dusty looking. Yet, even then, if held just right, in the light, you can truly see the potential. More often than not, though, you have to look inside the diamond in the rough to see that potential.

The human spirit is likened to a diamond in the rough. The brilliance depends much on the circumstances one is in or what is happening in their lives at any given time and the perspective that is taken. The hardest thing for many of us to do is to take a look at our own spirit, our own diamond in the rough. Most of us never look at our spirits as such a precious stone or commodity. We have been raised to be so humble. That is the greater tragedy.

"Awakened"...

For the last few weeks I have awakened to something, more like a thought…”WOW! I have awakened…again!” I haven’t quite made sense of this just yet. For the last couple of years or so, all of my writings have been inspired by life, or the drama that sometimes comes along with it; lack of work, independence, and at times a lack of hope that things will get better. It’s not like I go to sleep thinking that I won’t wake up the next morning. I don’t. I find myself thinking or trying to remember the dreams I had during the night and glad that I actually did dream, like it was a miracle or something. I just can’t make sense of it all.

What I do know is that I am very grateful that I do wake up every day. My life is finally going somewhere at a steady pace. I have plans. I have goals. I have hope. I have always had all of these things but there is something very different about these now. It’s all of these things that have kept me going on, even at my lowest point. But I am no longer in limbo. I see a rise in my eyes as I begin to stand taller on my feet and it is very good.

Maybe these thoughts I have upon awakening every morning are a bit of skepticism, a fear that something will happen and my house of cards will all come crashing down. I just can’t put my finger on it. I know I can’t rush. I still have to take time, pace myself. That will somewhat insure that the tangibles will fall into place. But what about the intangibles, the matters of the heart, the things we have no real control over?

"Justice Has Been Served?"

Justice has been served? I speak of the killing of Osama Bin Laden. I'm not so sure justice is ever really served. The pain still remains and will remain. Is justice only a temporary illusion, a temporary peace of mind, or simply some form of closure? The pain we feel is because of the love we have. That will never change, unless we do, and I hope we don't!

"After It’s All Said and Done"

As we approach the tenth anniversary of September 11 the most of us need no reminder. We have not forgotten and never will. It was a time that remains forever in memories and history. As I write this, I wonder just how history books have documented that day and what is being taught the children in the schools. But does that really matter? Of course it does matter but if the truth hasn’t come out by now it probably never will.

Osama Bin Laden is long gone, believed to be the perpetrator of 9/11. Has justice been served? I doubt it. The pain still remains because of the love we have for those lost on that day. So it really doesn’t matter how it happened or even why. It just did. I have my own personal beliefs as to what probably happened and why on that day but even my own thoughts have no real relevance.

What really matters is that we live on in a way that will honor those lost so that their lives can never be for nothing. The innocence, the bravery, the fear of knowing, the unity in chaos that we all experienced on that day; these emotions can only foster good if we allow them to. We have the freedom to believe anything or idea that has evolved as a result of 9/11 and that is what really matters to me. I can only hope anyone person who had or persons who have the power to cause such an event to take place will one day think about their deeds on their death beds and realized how fucked up their lives have been. But then, will it really matter?

"My Daily Dime"....

I haven’t written anything in a long while maybe because I haven’t had a lot to bitch about lately which has been a very good thing. To be quite frank, I am not sure I can say anything worth reading but I am going to give it my best shot. It’s just when things are going according to plan or better, you don’t take the time to concentrate on anything negative. You just roll with it!

Some time ago, going on six to eight years or so, I practically went through about two years were I would find a dime somewhere in our house. I would find them on the floor, usually in places you wouldn’t think of finding anything at all of value. I often wondered why this phenomenon was taking place and I still wonder to this day because it is happening again. I can safely say I have found more dimes than pennies in my lifetime. I haven’t decided if it’s a good or bad omen. Maybe it just is. What I do know is in the time past of my daily dime, life was very good. I was with or near family, I was employed, and was fairly content with the way my life had turned out and headed. I was pretty much on top of my world.

Life can be a road side disaster waiting to happen with all of the twists and turns with no guard rails to keep you between and out of the ditches and every once in a while, we do leave the road. Sometimes the damage is minor and sometimes chaotic at best and you spend so much time trying to fix things until you can get back on the road again and most of that time is spent trying to figure out how. Eventually you succeed and you are on your merry way to your original destination.

If I had to describe the meaning or the reasoning behind my daily dime it would be that good things don’t always come at once, unlike life’s little crashes we experience. It’s always about picking up the pieces of your broken life and putting it back together as best you can and hopefully leaving no scars or pieces behind. I have never concerned myself of whether or not these daily dimes were found on heads or tails, just that they were there for me to find. Take value in every piece for each one has its own place in the puzzle that when put together, makes a whole. These pieces can be family, friends or simple acquaintances that we happen to meet along the road. Their value is incomparable to any inanimate object we may have lost in the crash. I am forever grateful for my daily dimes.

"Living in Limbo, Texas"

Limbo, Texas, population…God only knows! There is no such place but there should be. Maybe I will make it happen. I could only imagine how many people would actually come to live there. I would promote the town as a temporary stopping place while your lives get back on track and moving along again.

I would have a “Limbo Corner Grocery” where I would really have to watch what comes in and goes out. I wouldn’t want spoiled product on the shelves from setting there so damn long. I could have a convenience store called “Limbo Come-N-Go” for those who just happen to be only passing through. What about a bar? Hmm…I would probably name it “The Lower Bar”, thinking that once you had your fill, you could actually crawl beneath it easily, without touching it, the bar that is. I would also have a “Limbo Public Library” for those who really want to go on with their lives by offering free WIFI or for those who really could give a shit about their situation and want to just have a good read.

Living in limbo would be stressful at times. Of course our neighbors would be a bit cranky at times. But all in all, I would do my best to make a great place to “visit” for a spell. God knows, I wouldn’t want any permanent residences there, not even for myself. Yeah! Living in Limbo, Texas would be an unforgettable experience for most. I would make sure of it. I know I will never forget my time in Limbo, Texas.

But, I must say that even so Limbo, Texas has been a bitch, and will continue to be so until I get out, I have met some mighty fine folks here that have been so good to me and so much help in just being there, and I hope I have been the same to them. Maybe one day you will Google Limbo, Texas on a map and it will be there with all of the information from Wikipedia. If so, I will see you there!

"The Stroke of Midnight"

A day ends and a new day begins in a split second. The tick of the clock is counting down what remains with no regards. It never ceases. I am alone. My mind is awake. My body is in some pain but only a little, from age I guess. My heart is empty yet full because I have no one to pour it out to. Does that even make sense? Forty years ago I would never have imagined that I am where I am this night. But who really knows how their life will be like even within the next second, much less decades into the future? It could very well end in less than a snap of your fingers.

I find my way. I reach goal after goal. Sometimes it’s the most difficult task and I get discouraged. I have even given up a time or two. But I move forward just like the hands on that damn clock. I can lie down at night sometimes and that’s the only thing I hear, that damn clock. It’s a constant reminder that for me time is going backwards. It’s coming to a close. Until that moment comes, I want to live. I want to do things I have never done. I want to meet people I have never met. I want to see things I have never seen. I want my mind to be rocked, my heart to overflow from grandchildren. I want to walk a mile in your shoes. I want to dream more dreams. I want to hear music. I want to write. I don’t want a “bucket list”. I want a “Fuck it, I’m doing it” list. Most of all, I want to be in love again.

"Stability In Life...For My Sons"

Stability, that’s what we all crave, like a deep seated hunger to belong, to be wanted and/or needed. If we have that in our lives, everything else chaotic seems lessened and life is less stressful. I have been keeping an eye on my youngest son for the last few years. I have watched him go through things that aren’t normal for any young person. I have watched him sit quietly and I knew he was thinking about his life, which is a normal thing to do for us all. I could feel his pain of no real companion in his life. I could see it in his eyes how he longed for such a partner that would accept him exactly the way he is and he never pretended to be anyone else. I also knew that under that rough and sometimes rude façade that there was a heart of gold ready to be shared.

We all have a deep burning desire to be a part of someone other than ourselves. Although we are solitarily complete, we are incomplete until we have that someone. If we were meant to be alone there would have never been more than one.

I have also kept a watchful eye on my oldest son. He also had his share of life problems. As it goes sometimes, it took a couple of tries before he found someone that loves him for who he is. They are no exception to the rule that we all have to find our way. Sometimes I wonder if it is wise to wish to be young again with no worries or cares but we all know that is bullshit. Being young has its challenges and some are insurmountable. We learn to cope as we age.

Father’s Day in just around the corner. I often think about that role I have taken on, by choice, and I wonder if I have actually done as good a job as I had always hoped I would do. I may never know the real answer until I am in my final days or even hours. But I will know in my heart before it’s all said and done.

If I could leave my sons any one piece of advice that would benefit them more than any other it would be to be brothers in the true sense of the word. It doesn’t matter what has happened between siblings. When love is there for one another, there is nothing to keep them estranged..NOTHING! I guess if I had to define success as a parent it would be that their children love one another as no other. That’s where love for others is truly born. If as a parent your children have done that, to me personally, that is success. I love you both with all my heart, Tony and Robby. I simply love you!

Most of us find ourselves living without someone at one time or another in our lives. Sometimes it’s only temporary but most often it’s a permanent thing. As a parent I understand more of what my Mom was all about but I know I can never understand her perspective from being a mother. Mothers are so different from fathers. It must be a gender thing. So I can safely say that fathers just do stupid shit. That doesn’t necessarily make them stupid. They just have a momentary lapse in good judgment. Ok, you got me….fathers can be stupid at times.

My Mom has been gone a little over four years now. I learned a lot from her but I wonder why she did certain things when it came to us kids. A large family can present certain challenges. About the only thing small and large families have in common is that each child is different from the other. They all have their own identity. That alone presents a greater challenge the larger the family is. The mother and father both have equal access (when there is a literal family unit anyway) to learn who their children really are and if the fathers were to be truly honest with themselves, they would more than likely admit that the mother is usually more accurate and definitely more detailed in knowing her own children. Again, it’s a gender thing.

My siblings and I were given (or we took) a lot of freedom in our childhood. But given (or taking) this loose leash didn’t mean we were immune from the consequences of our actions. We paid dearly for our transgressions. But I often wondered why this was. Was she so overwhelmed by the number of children she had tugging at her apron strings that she just let things be in order to make her motherhood a little easier? I know that sounds like I’m not giving my Mom much credit but trust me. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My Mom had a great deal of faith in God as well as in herself. But being the Goddess she was, she still couldn’t be everywhere at once doing everything for everybody so she depended a lot on God above to teach us kids certain things. I understand that.

Did her motherly ways pave the way for letting go easier? Maybe a little, I guess. Watching your child go through the front door out into the world to be on their own is scary. Maybe she was wise more than I have ever given her credit for. But letting go is a two way street. We kids have to let go of our parents. Both are easier said than done. And sooner or later, the time will come when that permanent arrangement of separation will come. That’s when we are tested as parents as well as children. How well did we teach? How well did we learn? If we are lucky and blessed we have taught and learned equally. Learning to live without you has been as easy as I have allowed it to be. You have done well, Mom, as great as the challenges were. You never quit. I love you for that!

"It's A Slow Fade"....

I can hardly believe it’s been thirty years but it has. That’s a long time in my book; a long time to know someone, a long time to learn to appreciate someone, and a long time to learn about one’s self. It’s even longer, no matter how long ago in the past things happen, to live with regrets. Regrets? I have only one.

We are only human. We make mistakes. But it isn’t a mistake when you already know better, when you have already made promises. You may never understand why you do stupid shit. You try to go back to a beginning to find where things began to change but success eludes you. All you can do is tell yourself, “What’s the point? You did it and nothing else really matters when it’s all said and done.” You hope to be forgiven and you hope to forgive yourself. But true forgiveness doesn’t erase the past.

Actions change lives, ways of thinking, and hearts, in good and bad ways. After all these years, I still think about my actions. I can never go back and change what I have done. No one can. That is when regret is born, when you wish to God that you could change the past, knowing you can’t. We live with our guilt, our shame, keeping it tucked away where on one can see it, for our eyes only. Every once in a while it all comes out in the open. That bites! But you keep moving forward. Sometimes we lie and keep it hidden. Sometimes we don’t. I have chosen not to lie about my past. Why bother lying about it? At least I will know who will accept me as I am.

It’s a slow fade. The breaking of someone’s heart is instantaneous, but the road to getting there wasn’t. It had to have started somewhere. The past behind us is also a slow fade. Hearts begin to heal and spirits begin to come alive again. Only time can assist in all this healing. You could try all you want but the damage is already done, the wounds are clearly open. All you can do is never do stupid shit that hurt the ones you love. You may never get a second chance to do it right the first time.

"Thinking"

I always wonder what goes through the mind of a child, especially when I see photos such as this one. I absolutely love this! He is watching his sister search for easter eggs and I can’t help but feel his pain because he is on the inside looking out. This is just one of those rare photos that says so much and all you want to do is pick him up and give him the biggest hug and comfort him as best you can, to help him forget his woes.

We all have been in his shoes more than once and I am sure this won’t be the last time for him. I have personally known a few people in my own lifetime that have been where this little guy is now, wanting to be a part of something that looks like so much fun and can’t. There are many who spend a lifetime wanting to have a normal life and can’t. Thankfully and hopefully, those times will be farther and fewer in between for this little fellow. Be thankful for what you have, especially if you have been blessed more than some, or anyone. It can all be gone in a split second.

"Who Invented God?".....

Sometimes I wonder about whether this question should read, “Who invented Spirituality?” So many different answers can come out of the woodwork with it being asked either way. And before you get to wondering if this is a “God basher”, have no fear. What would that serve anyway? But this all comes at this moment from a conversation I was having about Biblical things. I was asked what my thoughts on Armageddon were. I have found that as I get older, there are more questions about religion than there are answers and that just doesn’t make a lot of sense. The norm is as we get older we “cram for the final exam”. 60% of people age 65 or older report going to church at least once a week. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. 10% are 15-24 years old and 25-44 years old are 20%. Maybe you can decipher the rest on your own. The bottom line is that the statement is true. The older we get, the closer we wish to be with God. For myself, I find the older I get, the more I learn about the history of religion and the more I understand things.

But understanding doesn’t necessarily ban confusion, hence more questions than answers as I age. I was raised in the Christian faith and Southern Baptist denomination. I was saved at the age of nine and rededicated my life to Jesus on Easter Sunday, 1978. What can I say? It’s one of those unforgettable life changing events. I was a young man with love on his mind and everything happened to get all turned around on that day. I was very acceptable to change, as I am now. I was very open to God and He has remained open to me throughout my life; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Today, I consider myself more spiritual than religious. Even though I have learned so much about religion historically, I still can’t let go of how I felt inside in those times of need, for the lack of a better word, especially those younger years, those more formidable years. This not to mention the ghosts or spirits I have encountered in this latter part of my life. I have yet to actually see one but I have heard one and I have a very valid witness to this. This same witness has had an ‘out of body experience’. I also include déjà vu in this because I happen to think it is caused by re-incarnation, another spiritual oddity. So, I can’t totally let go of the notion that there is a spiritual realm amongst us.

Some would argue, or most rather, that God wasn’t invented but the inventor. Sometimes I wonder about that more than anything. Mankind does have an awesome and crazy imagination. For instance, remember when everyone believed when the earth was flat? Boy, were we wrong! We think we know it all then an epiphany will come along and just throw things off kilter.

I think it is all about that fear of death we all have had or still do. I have thought about death for as long as I can remember. I honestly think we all know about it from the beginning of life. It was just something that came to my mind, something I wondered about a lot. I don’t think I am the exception to the rule. I think about it more as I get older, sometimes with fear and sometimes with anticipation. At times what I thought about death, how my little mind dealt with it, was seeing it as not yet been born, the same as it was before you were born. It was just a thought. Sometimes I think it is a peaceful thing, simply put, no more living. By the way, I fear not living than I do death itself.

God invented? Maybe, maybe not. As I age, I tend to lean towards yes but there is still that little bit of mystery and intrigue that life has left me with; those times when my faith was the strongest and I had no fear of anything. I believe with all of my heart that there is something, unexplainable and greater than I am dwelling amongst us. It’s not really a place of pure hell or pure heaven. All I do know to say is that I didn’t get to where I am alone. If I invented this, I am not aware of it but I can’t fully deny it either. It’s a very personal choice based on our very own experiences. It is certainly not worth fighting and killing over, religion I mean. But that seems to be a historical fact. Maybe God wasn’t invented but religion definitely was. It’s of man. We are such arrogant creatures, aren’t we?

"The Love of A Parent"

Nothing troubles my spirit more than a parent that doesn’t seem to give a damn about their kid/s. It hurts me to the core and it sorely pisses me off. I’m not talking about the parents who have gone their separate ways, yet still find the heart to care for their children. I’m talking about those parents who completely wash their hands of a child, for any reason. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I was rarely with my own Father, but what time I was with him, I was his son and he was my Father. The rest of my life I depended upon my heavenly Father for guidance. I make no apologies for that either. He was, at times, all I had. And as much as I had thought that He had abandoned me, the opposite is so very true. He never did nor has. Even when I don’t feel His presence, He is here by my side, or likened to the foot prints in the sand, He is carrying me through my darkest times. I have tried my best to follow His lead in being a good Father myself, but I know I am nowhere near perfect.

My personal opinion is based all upon my own personal experiences and that is you never, ever, abandon your child, no matter what he or she has done or not done. I don’t give a damn what your reasoning is for doing so. If you do, then shame on you, period! You really need your head examined because something just isn’t right with you. You may call it “tough love”. That’s all well and good to a certain point but once you cross that fine line and wash your hands of a child, then you need your sorry ass beat down!

Absolutely nothing will sustain a child more than the love of a parent, real heartfelt love. If a child has a tiny bit of faith in you as a parent that you love him/her, that child will eventually be just fine. If you don’t have the patience to be a parent, then you never should have had children in the first place.

Your children are precious. If you have any doubts of whether I am right in any of this, ask a parent who can never hold their child, talk to their child or simply be with their child. I can’t help but think that the loss of a child is just as devastating to a parent as a child who believes they have lost the love of a parent. Children need some kind of guidance, that’s for sure. But they also need some kind of hope that can only come from a parent.

The Bellamy Brothers - Jalapenos

"Freedom"

I have seen and heard a lot of comments about freedom lately; freedom of speech, religion, peaceful assembly and many others. Churches are protesting at funerals of fallen soldiers saying that their deaths are the result of God’s judgment of our nation’s view of gay rights. Murders have been committed in the battle of the right to an abortion. AIDS has also been considered by the church a judgment of God because of the gay community. Rock and roll music is of the devil and so on. I can’t think of one single war that has not been about religion in some way. When will all of this come to an end?

What distinguishes God’s love from any other love is that He has given everyone of us the freedom of choice. To me, that is amazing! That is love in its purest form! Humankind has always worshipped some kind of God and historically, in many at the same time. This really hasn’t changed throughout time. Humankind has always had a feeling that there is someone or something greater than themselves lurking in the shadows. Understanding this has been the greatest challenge as well as accepting it within the different and diverse cultures.

This freedom of choice God has blessed us with is more involved than most “religious fanatics” realize. If God has granted us such an abounding freedom, then doesn’t it make sense that there should be no judgment from our peers? Do our choices make us any better or worse than anyone else? Just because we don’t see things from your perspective, does that doom us to hell?

You don’t protest at funerals of fallen soldiers who have fought and died so you can have that freedom to do so. Rock and roll is no more from the devil than the “cheatin, cheatin, cheatin, drinkin, drinkin, drinkin” country music that a great many have grown to love and the same goes for rap music, poetry, literature and any other artistic form of expression. None of this is of the devil! It is of humankind! It is of emotions felt, experiences gained, loves lost, tears shed and joys shared. It is about difficult time, joyous times and every imaginable thing under the sun.

Judge no one for the choices they have made for sometimes, there is no choice. We all have freedom of choice, even the freedom to judge, but judge only yourself for the choices you have made. I don’t think any God worth their love would have it any other way. It just doesn’t make any sense. Try walking in someone else’s shoes for a while. Then raise those shoes and look at the “souls” of those shoes and you will see this shit that they have been through. Only then will you appreciate God’s purest form of love, the freedom of choice!

FLEETWOOD MAC Why

This is a video I made using Fleetwood Mac's "Why", and video from the film "Seven Pounds".

"A Melancholy Day"

Sadness can envelope us at any time, like a thief in the night. It can change our whole outlook just for that one moment in time when it strikes. This usually happens when I am alone with nothing but the sounds of my own breathing and heart beat letting me know I am still alive, somewhat. I think so much about times past and even though the memories are precious, they can still be a reminder that time is slipping away. I think about those I love who are so engulfed by their own pain and heartache and the only thing I can do is pray silently.

Most often, my melancholy days are brought on by thoughts of my own sins because I know within my own heart that I am my own worst enemy. I know I am forgiven by God, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to forgive myself and I know I should. It just doesn’t seem worthwhile until I can prove to myself that I have learned from my mistakes, those mistakes that have haunted me for the greater part of my life. We all find ways to cope with our sins, mostly by working through them. This is true and you know it. If we have been guilty of taking, we spend a great deal of time giving back trying to make up for it. I see it all the time and I am not the exception to the rule. I do it, too.

I wait patiently for my turn at the wheel, my turn to make things better, and my turn to find forgiveness for what I have done. When will this be? I honestly don’t know. So much time has gone by that I have wondered if my time will ever come, if I will ever have the opportunity to prove myself to myself that I am truly worthy.

"Days Like Today"

I hate days like today. My heart is so heavy and for the life of me I can’t know why. That only tells me that it’s a culmination of many little things that are ganging up against me. At least, that’s what it feels like. It just fucking sucks! All I want to do is curl up somewhere in a hidden place and stay there until the storm passes. And it usually does, but that doesn’t lessen the heartache I feel.

"Fortune Telling?"

I think we can all tell our own futures, or at the least act it out within our minds. I don’t mean that every detail of the future can be told. I’m not that naïve. Sometimes life is like going through a maze and you can anticipate which way to turn just with what little maze you can see in front of you, and depending how large or small the radius of any curves, is how far ahead you can see. Sometimes I wonder if I am talking about telling the future or planning it. Don’t you just love life?

"It’s Amazing How Quickly...."

Just a couple of days ago it was like a nice early spring day with abundant sunshine. Today, totally not! Overcast skies, a light northerly breeze, and four inches of snow on the ground with a quarter inch of sleet/ice beneath that. Ya gotta love Texas weather! But it is early January, so, it’s to be expected. All the mundane talk of weather does have relevance here so let’s get to the main course, shall we?

It’s amazing how quickly things can change. It only takes less than a second for things to change dramatically, for your life as well. The direction of that change surely defines the nature, good or bad? I can’t say that the changes I have been through are any worse than anyone else’s because I have seen some very sad moments for others that I don’t even want to ‘totally understand’. May God give them peace.

I have had tomorrow on my mind all day today, and the day after, and the day after that. I really can’t explain how I feel except to say that I am a little (the skepticism is still hard to shake) excited. I can look at this in two ways; one, It’s what I wanted or, two, it’s what I needed. To be honest, it isn’t what I had in mind, therefore, not what I wanted. But if I have learned anything at all in life it’s that if you give what you needed a chance, you will find it’s what you wanted all along.

"Here's To New Beginnings"

It’s a bright sunny day out but still on the nipply side. That’s ok with me because I’m warm. For the last thirty months I have been battling with unemployment and an uncertain future. I spent most of that time looking for work and going to school, so it hasn’t been without an upside. I have accomplished something and that’s always a good thing.

This coming Monday I begin a new adventure, a new job! That is something I haven’t had in such a very long time and I hope and pray to God I don’t go through the last two and one half years again. I am looking forward to this. I have to admit, at first I wasn’t. I’m still a little anxious about it. But the days between my first learning that I have the job and now has been revealing. I was tempted to keep searching for other work and I did, just not with as much gusto as I am accustomed to. I have learned to listen for that still, quiet voice, to be patient in everything. I am glad I did and still am.

So, goals must be set and plans must be made to reach those goals. God! I’m not even sure where to begin. You would think that as many times that I have had to start from scratch I would know how by now. Either way, starting all over again is never easy but it is sure better than giving up. Anyone care to join me?