Revelationary Dreams...

I laid down for a nap prior to my workday actually beginning and I was awakened by a dream. It was a vivid dream with a short conversation, so it wasn't a long dream by any means. I couldn't think straight for a few moments, but once the fog of sleep had lifted, thoughts become pouring into my mind. A person I had met some time ago was in my dream and I hadn't spoken to this person for a while now and even longer since I had seen them. In the dream I had just awakened and was going onto the kitchen for some coffee and there this person was. I asked quietly, "What are you doing?". The reply was, "I'm cleaning.". That's when I awakened for real from my nap. 

Why? Why now? Why this day? I had no answers to these questions. We grow quite fond of some people over time, but as life happens, things and situations change. And sometimes these changes are directly affiliated with how we interact with people. People do respond to us, just not in a way we wish for. I had learned a very valuable lesson. When we care very much for certain people our brain will not allow us to actually lie to these people and that actually makes sense, but it can be costly. So, what I have learned is to not say or speak so much about how I feel, especially when deep inside I know the truthful outcome of what may or cannot be. Sometimes, speaking of how you feel puts an undue burden on others and all they know to do is to disappear and they are completely blameless.

The price we pay is a loss of what could have been a very long and endearing friendship. It's very painful to endure. "I would rather have your friendship than nothing at all." is a phrase I have heard all of my life, and it is very applicable for some encounters we have in our lives. Understand what it is. Accept what it is. You may not be able to control how you may feel but you can control how you react and knowing the reality of things can manifest what you can really appreciate in others. They are people, too. They have their own lives and experiences they rely on that protect them from just about anything. Respect that.

Unfathomable Evil...

October 7, 2023, Israel, Hamas attacked Israel in the early morning hours of that day killing 1143 civilians, most of those were young people attending a music festival. Children were mutilated, women were raped and mutilated, and men, all blatantly murdered out of pure hatred. I watched a documentary and what caught my attention is during interrogations of some of the Hamas fighters, they couldn't even say it themselves exactly what they had done. They couldn't actually say "I raped her." because they knew it was horrific what they had done. It's like they had no problem doing what they had done until they had to answer for their deeds. It just boggles my mind of what human beings can and will do to other human beings.

Throughout history this evil has raised its ugly head, throughout the world, even in our own country, the United States, for the love of power, and sadly, in the "name of God". I'm not a fan of religion at all. More people have been slaughtered "in the name of God" than any other reason known to man. It's pure bullshit! It's not God's fault. Religion has a knack for clouding the mind and hardening the spirit, because religion is man made. It isn't of God by any means. It's all about control and power over others who for some reason, can't see their self-worth, and religion paying a significant role in that process. I can't bring myself to trust a belief that makes me feel unworthy of anything. I have paid the consequences of all of my actions, whether good or bad. 

But what can you do? The only thing anyone can do is to be a better person and I really don't give a shit how or why, just be a better human being. Total love in humanity will never happen but it doesn't mean love of others wouldn't have an impact. Over 8.1 billion people inhabiting this planet makes it an impossible task. We, as a species, have one of two choices. We can love each other by treating each other as we want to be treated or, we can just obliterate ourselves until one day, there are very few or none of us left. 

Religion has become more or less, a pissing contest among the elite of these various religions, claiming their literature is somehow better than others, purer than others. All of this filters down the rank and file until there is nothing left for the followers, even the ability or the will to think for oneself. With a world population of 8.1 billion people, it would be safe to say that the gene pool has become a little bit murky. No one really lives truly free, not even those who think they do. No matter who we are or where we are, we are all under someone's thumb. That's true of every living creature on this planet. Most other species just do a better job. 

The evil? I would absolutely love to see it die. The cold hard truth is that the good will die first. It always does. That's just truly fucking sad!

Militarily Speaking...

I rarely speak of my military tour. It wasn't much of one. Twenty-one months in the Airforce to many folks doesn't quite define a hero, not even to me, but that's me. I spent 6 weeks in basic training with the remainder of my tour in Wichita, Kansas. I pumped gas! I rarely speak of it.

I have given this a lot of thought the last decade or so, though, wondering if I have earned the things of value that I have received from the VA. It does boggle my mind to even think of what I owe the VA for. I have some college under my belt, thanks to the VA. But what I am really grateful for is the VA saved my life in helping me to battle cancer and two heart attacks. I am alive today because of my VA benefits. 

Have I earned them? I'm still undecided on that personally. There are far more veterans that have given much more than what I have, actually sacrificed for. I was coming into the military while it was ending its role in Viet Nam and soldiers were coming home. Sadly, they came home to shit! Battle torn, their minds bent, their hearts broken, and their spirit attacked, and most, permanently disabled in some way.

Those are the soldiers that deserve to be called heroes. Those are the soldiers that deserve our respect, for always, for every deployment, for any war. I was lucky. I didn't suffer the damages of war like most. But I did benefit. Whether my heart and mind can come to conclusion and have an answer of if I earned what I received or not, well, I still can't tell you. It may not. In the meantime, I give all due respect to all those who have served and that are serving. May you all walk in peace after it's all said and done.

WRONG WAY

If I have learned anything of value over the years, it's to ask myself one question when things happen, whether they be good or bad; Is there anything that I could have done or said differently to cause a better outcome? I learned that I have had control all along in countless situations, barring life-changing events. Every action taken; every word spoken has influence. Sound decisions need to be made but not without a lot of thought and questions with answers. I try to be ever mindful of everyone I interact with. I'm not always successful. 

I remember when I was a young child, not even in my teens yet, starting my morning walk to school, and many times I would just change direction and skip school that day, all day. My mind would allow my curiosity to take control and I would just explore. I would walk up and down the local strip malls in the neighborhood just checking things out, nothing in particular. I didn't want to learn from school those days. I wanted to learn from life. And learn I did. 

I did some dumb ass shit when I was a kid, as a teen, and as an adult, many times. I still do dumb shit, just not as often. Experience and "wisdom" has made dumb shit less attractive. When I do catch myself headed in the wrong direction, though, I have to remind myself that I do influence others, that I have an effect on others, as insignificant as that may sound. After some time, I come to my senses, I tap the breaks, and I come to a complete stop. I backup to regroup. One of my many flaws is I am always asking myself what if instead of what will. That's not a bad thing in and of itself but if left unchecked, there could be unwanted repercussions. 

I can be very passionate when it comes to how I care for others, almost to a fault and it has caused heartache at times because I confuse myself. I get "lost in the moment" and suck all the air from the room. That's not good for anyone. I never wish to lose a friendship. I never wish to cause discomfort. Life is challenging enough. As my experience and wisdom expands with time, my true wish and my deepest desire is to watch those I care deeply about to be happy for themselves, with less worries and more peace of mind, and to know, find, and have their hearts desire. 

Moving Forward...

I have had a lot on my mind lately. I can see changes coming and know how some will play out and some will be mysterious until revealed. I have already made decisions that will help make these changes less difficult. It's not easy when you have developed a routine that has worked over the years. But when you see changes coming, you need to be ready, or you won't achieve your desired results. Fear will be by your side every step of the way, so I think I will hold its hand so the fear will know I'm in control.

Throughout the last ten years or so, I have met and worked with some really good people, every one of them of a totally different generation. I always forget my age and that could bite me in the ass one day, but oh well. It won't be the first time I have had my ass chewed. Anyway, these folks come and go from your life, and they move on to, for the most part, bigger and better things. I have come to really enjoy watching these folks do better for themselves. I have watched young men become family men and honorably, may I add. I have watched young women become first time mothers, set goals, and achieve them. The most of them have grown to become responsible adults. That's very good!

My future? That remains to be seen and experienced. I know I have a lot to do but the idea of actually accepting these changes and making them happen is scary, to say the least. I have always had the problem of not thinking I am as old as I really am. That is my greatest change I need to make. The issue with that is I have always been this way and I'm not sure if I can change my ways of thinking. Physically I am changing and have changed. Mentally, not so much. I just can't seem to grasp the differences in the two. 

There are still things I want in life. Whether I have these is unknown to me. I don't want pity nor petty. I want real not fake. I want love! Pure and simple, love. I have had battles in my life that some have lost, but I have overcome. I am forever grateful for that. It gives me hope. It gives me peace. 

These changes I see on the way, well, it's not for the faint of heart. I will require courage. I will require stamina. I will require a strong mind. All of these I have. I will need to change some of my own habits. But the most difficult is the ability to believe that I am worth it. I truly think that the one thing that causes folks to not reach certain goals is that they feel they aren't worth it. They most often think that they need reassurance from others, or they think they can't do anything without someone being by their side as a cheering squad. Nothing wrong in that fundamentally. But you need to believe that you can do things on your own. 

I Begin to Heal

It's been a melancholy few days, almost indescribable. I am having difficulty keeping all of my emotion under control, or even defined at times. As I sit here, trying to collect my thoughts, I realize I have a cigarette in my hand and two more that have been lit within the last 4 minutes. What kind of disturbed soul does that shit?

I have felt sadness, more than anything the last few days, along with pain and heartache of someone not being there anymore. At night as I lie awake, all I can muster is a simple prayer, "You know." I'm not sure if I couldn't describe my wants or needs in my prayer, or I just didn't want to. What I do know is that I did let it go. As precious as time can be, it's times like the last few days that I want time to speed up just a bit, in hopes the pain and heartache will lessen, and I begin to heal.

Take The Time...

I have met many people and I have seen many changes take place over the years. Parts of our world today are totally unrecognizable to me. I have watched changes take place everywhere, all the way down to changes within myself. I have noticed changes in people, as a whole, and I am going to try to see this in a positive light. 

Technology has been and always will be the driving force of change even in how or what we think. It has changed dramatically how we interact with others. So, it can make one wonder if technology has caused these changes in the way we interact or simply exposed them. Either way, it's sad, yet exhilarating.to see and watch. So, I watch, and I try to learn. I think it's safe to say that we all learn that way.

Social media has come a long way in such a short time period. Yes, I use it so I'm not throwing stones. Curiosity has always been my motivation for as far back as I can remember so I have learned to have an open mind. I learn to understand and not to judge. As similar as we all are, we have so many differences that make each of us unique. Social media has had a profound effect on anyone that uses it, especially on a daily basis, because of the availability of information. It's a total smorgasbord!

My point is, with all of this information, have I learned anything? I have. I don't interact with others like I used to. Back in the day making friends was quick because either one of them or I could not be there the next day. It was a military life and that's how it was. Now, I like to take my time. It's easier. You will need patience because getting to know folks properly does take time. But it will be most rewarding in the long run. 

The "IDGAF" mentality has taken root and is growing at an alarming rate. But you might as well throw that shit out the window because if the real truth were known, we would realize that we do give a shit more than we let on. None the less, as a society, we have less empathy. We have less patience. We certainly have less real interaction. We have become more self-absorbed. There are more assumptions (judgements) being made of others even when we don't know them that well. People have a chip on their shoulder that they cannot see but can see the chips on other shoulders. How many folks actually know who their neighbors are? People want instant gratification but can't find the time to wait for what is really important. 

In a time of fast this, instant that, or "get it now!", it does no harm to just slow down for a spell. I'm not so naive to think everyone likes or wants to know a lot of people. As I said earlier, everyone is different and there is everything right with that. There is nothing wrong with good judgement either. We are all free to pick and choose who we wish to get to know. The challenge is taking the time and to not make any assumptions about anyone. You most definitely can't judge a book by its cover. We need to remember that if we have our own struggles that we don't discuss, others will have theirs as well. Many things should remain unsaid because we really don't know what's really going on with others. 

Slow down and take the time to get to know whomever you wish. They will let you know what they want you to know in their own time. Until you know anything, you don't. 

I'll Figure It Out..

It's been a strange day today. I simply can't explain any of it. I did a few things I wouldn't normally do but that's pretty much normal. I can't put my finger on it for some reason. I know life will throw a few curve balls at me from time to time, as it has lately, as well as the last few years. A lot of that is now water under the bridge and I do the best I can with what I have with the rest. Tomorrow is predictable as life continues to throw either flowers or shit and not at my discretion. 

Happiness...

If there can be only one thing that stirs my soul, it would be to see happiness. You can't really define it. It's as individual as we are different. As I was sitting at a local park here a few days ago, I saw a lot of happiness. It was a gorgeous day so maybe that had a lot to do with that. I watched everyone do whatever it was that made them happy, if only for a little while. Kids and grownups were swinging. Some folks were jogging while others were just strolling along, leisurely. If I had had some peanuts with me, I would have fed a squirrel or two and that would have made me very happy. That day, I watched happiness, and it was good. 

The Hardest Thing...

Every morning, it's SOSDD. Coffee, smokes, and PC time. Then it's time to get ready for work. That's been my routine for as far back as I remember. Time has passed and changed to some degree. Situations change. We change. Amongst all this change there are some things that are, or should be, non-negotiable. 

First and foremost is love of self. The love you have for yourself is exactly the same love others receive from you. Otherwise, it's only pretended. 

Honesty can be categorized under love, I suppose. Without it there is no real love. There is no trust. That's a lot of crushed eggshells tight there. 

Self-assessment is the hardest thing to do, much less master. Brutal honesty is the main ingredient. And it can and more than likely will, kick your ass! Well yeah. It won't be the last either. That's true for us all. We must be ever mindful in how we influence others because we do. 

I Miss That

It was a busy moment, and I was quietly working. After a few seconds I sensed a presence and I looked up and there you were, just peacefully looking me right in the eyes. I looked away after a few seconds and then looked back. You were still there, eyes to eyes. I wasn't sure what to think, but I went with it because it was one of the most wonderful moments I have felt in a very long time. I miss that! 

 A TIMELY INVESTMENT...

There is a common denominator in everything and that is time. Time has an effect on EVERYTHING!!! Throughout...um...time, it has been and always will be the greatest commodity, seemingly increasing in value as it runs out. Nothing is free and that includes time, and no replenishment or bartering is allowed, ever! Can we have power over time? I don't know for sure. Maybe?

I have met and come to know many people in my lifetime, and I have a handful of people I have known for decades I still visit with from time to time, just to chat, keeping in touch and each one of those persons is different from the other. How's that for diversity, huh? Anyways, there was a price to be paid for each encounter from everyone and that cost was time. Was it worth it? How much value was there? That would depend on the system that each one of us has developed to evaluate encounters and our relationships with each other. 

Does time have the ability manipulate us or anything? Or is it just being? We have the power over how we spend our time, according to what our particular needs are. We can't control it, but we can utilize our time to our favor. Patience is definitely a virtue here. Get to know the people around you, time permitting and don't be obnoxious and don't make assumptions. Don't judge! Time permitting. There are layers upon layers of thoughts and emotions that are somewhat sorted for some to be shared and the rest, not. Tell your stories and listen to other stories. Knowledge is not power. It's understanding. 

This Funk...

It's a quiet night, thankfully. Sleep evaded me until about 4:30 this am and having to get up at 9 for an earlier shift, it doesn't lead into a great day.  I was physically tired, last night, but my mind was on fire! It would not slow down for some reason. So much has been going on and everything seemed to be snowballing, and I couldn't outrun it. I also had a day that is almost unexplainable. Have you ever watched yourself, in your mind's eye and think. You're acting like an idiot! Yeah, it was one of those days. I can only hope no one noticed what I saw. 

Today, with a few of those idiotic visuals of myself still dancing around in my head, it was pretty much uneventful. I did my work, with some comradery blended in and went home. I'm a tad exhausted but fine. I left the paranoia at work in hopes of some much-needed peace. So, in spite of a very minor nagging headache, it's been a pretty good day. This brings me to the funk.

I have noticed in the last few years an addition to one of my aches and pains of aging. Depression. No other word for it. But I wonder about self-doubt, how related is that to depression? It's a part of life for all of us, even if for brief periods, I would think. But it can be devastating to some, no doubt. I have somewhat learned that if I choose my battles I can at the very least break even. Most of the time I'm fine, but there are times when I just don't give a shit. Not very often, thankfully, but those times do occur. 

It's been a couple of weeks since I started this. Maybe I can bring it to some kind of a conclusion. Practically the same scenario, no sleep until around 6 this morning. Work was dreadfully slow and uneventful. And some thoughts that have kept my mind busy for some times now are beginning to evaporate, allowing more space for the funk fog to roll in. 

I still have no real conclusion for this. To be continued...