"My Private Parts"

There are many sides to my life, similar to an iron framed globe that has yet to have the final touches painted onto the surface. Much like the planet in which we live, I have deep trenches in the depths of my own oceans that have never revealed their secrets and probably never will. It will take a very special heart to reach those depths and I have yet to meet such a heart, at least one that really wants to know them. Only God the creator knows my deepest and darkest secrets and I have trusted Him with them for all of my life. He has yet to fail me. It's not that I don't want them revealed. I do, intensely. It's just that when I do allow someone to go a little deeper, they become afraid and return to the surface, never to return. Like a woman, it's takes a lot for me to give my whole heart. I have to trust you. I have to believe in you. I have to know deep inside you will not betray me. I also need to be sure I will not betray you.

Sometimes I feel my life has had no meaning or purpose to anyone but I know that isn't true. I am my own worst critic and I can be very hard on myself. I am like a turtle in a terrapin's shell. When threatened, I close all of my doors and windows, leaving myself curled into a ball in the corner of my darkened secret world. Only when the dangers pass do I open up and allow the light to flood my soul.

I want to allow someone to explore those deepest trenches of my oceans of thoughts, dreams and fears. This person will have to own a courage equal to my own, the courage to want to see the unexplained, to accept that what they learn is what it is, and that they can appreciate it all without any doubt of its validity. Are you that type of person? Are you not afraid to travel into the greatest depths and learn what you may have never known? Chances are, you will find many similarities.

"Mi Corazón Es Para Ti." . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "My Heart Is For You."

Por favor, tomarlo.                                                                                                                Please, take it.

No doy mi corazón a cualquiera.                                                               I don't give my heart to just anyone.

Es tuyo para la toma.                                                                                                It's yours for the taking.

Espero que nada a cambio.                                                                                    I expect nothing in return.

Mi confianza en usted es hermético.                                                                     My trust in you is hermetic.
Permítanme que te amo cada momento.                                                   Allow me to love you every moment.
Mi corazón es para ti.                                                                                                      My heart is for you.

"¿Cómo estás?"..."Bien, Bien."....."¿Seguro?"

Another day has past and a new one begins. So quickly these events happen nowadays. I haven't even had a coffee yet, so excuse me while I get one.

Man, this coffee is good. Thank you for waiting. Now, where was I? Oh Yeah!

My mind is full of pretty much everything this morning. It's only a matter of sorting, prioritizing, and implementing or discarding each individual thought. "This gonna take some fucking work!"

I had an opportunity to chat with an old friend this past Sunday and he has crossed my mind several times since. His name is Jesse and I have known him for a couple of decades now through work. I hadn't had a chance to really visit with him for about five years now, which was the last time we worked together. He is Hispanic. I remember his youthful vigor but this past Sunday really caused me concern. His English had always been very good but he seemed to be having difficulty with it the other day, like he was in the process of learning it as a new imigrant. He looked much older than I had ever seen him. He had lost weight but he told me he had gained a lot back since he had started working again. He was caught up in the economic crisis everyone else had and was out of work for a year. He told me he didn't eat as much as he was accustomed to during that time. But his weight wasn't what concerned me. It was his inability to speak his second language. I asked him if he was ill but he dodged that bullet quit well. He is a very proud and honorable man so I expected as much out of him. He is a very dear friend and I can only hope he is ok, and only getting older like I am. Or just maybe, maybe, his English has never been that good outside the workplace.

"Maybe Tomorrow"

It's 2:24 am on a Tuesday morning. I am exhausted yet exhilarated for a reason I'm not sure of. I remember this past Sunday morning as I was attempting to begin the tasks of the day. Nothing seemed to be going right and I was getting very frustrated. I found myself outside in the back yard, screaming and cursing God for my life and what it had become. I'm glad I was in the country or I may have been hauled away but the point is, I was livid at God! All I kept asking is what that fuck had I done so fucking wrong that has brought me to where I am now? I couldn't make sense of anything in  my life and I haven't for a very long time. I am still lost as to what it is He wants me to do.

I think He has singled me out for some fucking reason, maybe as an example, fuck, I haven't a clue. He knows I am still not happy about things. I have always admired Job and his patience. But my God, why keep it going and going and going....Last thing I remember me saying to God was, "Give me a fucking break...please?"

I am going to try to sleep now. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a turning point for the better?

Searching My Dreams.wmv

"Fantasy or Prayer?"

Every day I think about what I look for in you. I look forward to the day when I can look into your eyes and see everything I have ever dreamed of. I am in awe of being able open my heart and mind to you and finding understanding and acceptance for who I am. I am so grateful for your trust in me, in knowing that I would never hurt you. I suffered for years from loneliness and heartache, most of which was of my own doing and now all of that is gone. For those same years, I was afraid I would spend the remainder of my days alone with no one beside me. That fear is now gone.

I owe my life to God in that He carried me through those dark years. But I must confess that I have had my doubts when it came to meeting you. Speaking in present tense, I have doubts, still. I can’t help it. I’m only human. Time seems to be slipping by unnoticed and I can’t stop it when I do. I become fearful that it will run out and you won’t be there to say, “I’ll see you later.” I know how selfish it is to think that way but that’s just me.

As I ponder my life and the past, I know everything I have ever done wrong. They say you can forgive yourself for the transgressions you do to others and that may well be true, but to be able to forget them has never been an option for me. I have never forgotten them; not a single one. They haunt me every day and knowing in my heart of hearts that God has forgiven me hasn’t stopped the dull, nagging pain that has remained within my spirit.

I look for healing in your eyes. Is it there? I seek forgiveness for my sins within your heart. Will I find it? I long for life to return within my own spirit by touching yours. Will I come alive? Most of all, I desire a light for my soul by opening mine to yours. Will I see the sunshine within me again?

I know that these hopes and desires are my mine and mine alone and I know that only I can cause these dreams to ring true, because they are all a result of my own downfall. I know deep inside that I can only overcome by my own repentance. All I want is a chance. I need you to believe in me. I need you to trust me. I know how I was wrong and I know what I need to do to be the man God intended me to be all along and I know it’s a lot to ask of you.

Yes, I long to look into your eyes and see a reflection of my own spirit so full of life and love. I hope for the days to share doing whatever we wish to do. I ache for the nights when we can hold, nurture, and love each other in preparation for the next day and most of all, to have a conversation with one another without saying a single word.

It’s a lot to ask of any one person but there’s a lot to lose with the possibility to never regain.

P!nk - Glitter In The Air (GRAMMYs on CBS)

"Ambient Reflection"

I stepped out of the shower, dried myself, and began to get dressed. I shaved, brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Then, I looked in the mirror. I was taken back by what I saw. How can I make it better or could I? Maybe it was the lighting. Then again, maybe it was my state of mind.

"Opportunity Of New Beginnings"

I am caught between the past and the future, hovering just above the present. Not a day goes by when I hope and pray that my feet actually get to touch the ground and I can finally move forward. I catch myself looking back so much at what was. That can’t be a good thing except in moderation. There is nothing wrong in looking back in reflection or to reminisce. I have had everything I have ever wanted at one time or another, if not simultaneously. I have known love. I have been a father. I have had a best friend. The rest is not relevant because it all can be purchased off the shelf. I have experienced loss. My heart has been broken and I am guilty of breaking some ones heart.

Motivation is hard to come by at times and I realize that the lack of a plan has all the earmarks of a dead end street. I have tripped and fell many times and I have also been knocked on my ass a time or two, making the task of getting back up, brushing yourself off and starting all over again more difficult each time. Maybe I need to change the way I think when it comes to the big picture. Maybe there really isn’t one, only the opportunity of new beginnings, likened to the morning or the spring.

"God’s Most Beautiful Creation"

If God created woman for man, then man has definitely fallen short of being grateful for such a beautiful gift.

"Clichés"

We, you and I, have blown them out of the water! When you and I had first met, one of us could have said, "I feel like I have known you all of my life." That is so cliché! But the truth is, I have only known you a short while in comparison to my entire lifespan, but the times we have spent together have been the best of times!

"Love is blind!" Only in my own heart do I see that to be a true cliché. You have seen all and know of all my flaws and imperfections and, yet, you are still by my side...That's love!

"If you love someone, set them free. If they return, it was meant to be!"....Again, so cliché! The truth is, I came back to you because loving you as much as I do has set me free!

You are my best friend! I couldn't love anyone more than I do you. I couldn't love you anymore if I tried. I had to let go of you at one time. It was the right thing to do. It's what my heart told me I must do. It was the most painful event of my life. But I did it. Maybe God wanted me to see Him, and listen to Him. I did! I had to trust in God that everything would be ok. He knew how much I loved you! For the life of me, I have yet to understand why He wanted me to do this most difficult task; maybe to prove my love for Him or you or even my own self. Maybe all three, I honestly don't know why. All I know is that my heart hasn't changed. As much as I tried to change it, it still hasn't changed. I love you with everything I have. Yes, it is painful sometimes. But the pain is well worth it! I would suffer even more if I have to. But the joy I feel, the passion that I have, all of those and so much more makes any pain I feel almost nonexistent in comparison! I love you! Pure! Simple!

"One Of My Better Days"

Today was one of my better days, one of the best in a long time. It's not that I had good news of a job or I was able to get my own place. I went fishing today. I wasn't expecting to go is probably what made it so special. I went out to do some visiting, mainly to get out of the house for a while. I visited one of my sisters, then a brother, and while I was there, I found out my brother-in-law had gone fishing, using his boat he had been working on all winter. I called him to varify his where-a-bouts and sure enough, he was at the lake with his brother. I said to him, "I'll be there in a few." He even came back to the boat dock to pick me up which was very nice!

While in the boat, I put my hand in the water and it felt so damn good, I was so tempted to dive right in and enjoy. But I didn't have swim shorts, but I was still tempted. Afterwards, I kept thinking I should have and next time, I will. There WILL be a next time. It had been way over thirty years since I had even been in a boat and I can't even remember the last time I went fishing. I really had a good day!

"Loneliness"

Loneliness is a very major problem in our society today. It affects every one of us. It causes sickness, including physical and mental. Sometimes it is a symptom of a mental illness. It is built into all of us, as human beings, to want to have someone around us, to feel wanted and/or needed or to simply be accepted as a part of a group. We all have a need to contribute. We are all looking for something.

This has never been more apparent than it is today, especially in this shrinking world we live in because of technology, mainly the internet and other communication devices. Social sites are being added daily and business is booming! Swarms of people are gathering in front of their computers, logging onto these sites looking for something, mainly love.

The sad thing is, most never find it and they end up spending so much time that they can never regain. This time is lost forever! But why has it gotten to this point? The symptoms are so many that it would take professional input to get to the actual problem. I think one of the major contributors to the problem is that we are in a generation of selfishness, a “me generation”.

There is nothing wrong in having our needs met. We all have needs, beginning with the very basics such as air to breathe, water to drink and food to eat. Of course, as these needs are met, others take their place, in order of importance and the order depends on what needs that have or have not been met. Abraham Maslow described these needs as the “Hierarchy of Needs” Look him up on the net, he makes a very interesting point about the animal, the human being. We are all motivated by these needs.

When we go beyond the point in which we only think of ourselves is where a part of the cause of loneliness is discovered. We must not forget that we are not alone in this world. We must always remember that what we have gained throughout our lives is because of someone giving of themselves in some way. When you give, you get.

Loneliness can be depressing. It can stifle growth. It can be immobilizing. But it can also be diminished. Give of yourself. Allow others to give to you. Expect nothing in return. I won’t sit here and tell you to stop looking for love because it is a viable need but, I will ask that you allow it to find you. Everyone wants to be loved and needed. I don’t care who you are! There is a little Scrooge in all of us but even Scrooge learned what was important.

Some things you can never forget nor can you bury.

"Forgiving in Time?"

It’s summer time, 1963, and the evening is cool from the gulf breeze. A young boy is riding his older brother’s bicycle around the neighborhood when he is stopped by an older kid, a friend of my older brother. He says, “Come here. I want to show you something.” The young lad follows him to the edge of the neighborhood and he points to a drive-in movie theatre across the way and asked if the young boy wanted to get a closer look. “Sure, why not.” he replies.

Once they arrived to the outside fence, the sound was clear and the movie screen was visible, but there was something else going on. The older kid wanted something, an “unspeakable favor”. Being so young and innocent and even a little bit afraid, the young boy obliged. What had happened didn’t take long but it left questions in the young boys mind for many years. What had just happened and why? What do I say if anything to anyone? How do I live with knowing what had happened? Had I done anything wrong?

One day as a young man, the boy asked his older brother what had happened to the older kid from the neighborhood. His memory had never left. The older brother responded that he thought the older kid had died somehow. The young man replied, “Good!” That was all that was said but I am sure the older brother was wondering why the hateful response.

No word was ever mentioned about that night until the young man, now in his early twenties, decided it was time to talk about it and he decided to talk to his Mom about it. They were sitting in the yard and the young man opened his heart and told the story while his Mom listened in horror at his story. She didn’t know what to say accept that she loved him and she was glad that he had finally told her. She did remember the night because the boy was gone longer than he should have been. The only thing the young boy could remember about that night of his Mom's response, once he had returned home, is that his Mom had been worried that something had happened and that he was home and safe.

That young boy was me. I have never forgotten a second of that night. I am still not sure if this guy is alive or dead. But what remains are the memories. I remember his name, his curly blond hair, everything. My response to my brother that day towards that guy was very harsh. I had never carried a hatred for anyone ever in my life except for him. Now, presently, I still struggle with what happened but not as much because I know more now than then.

I must forgive. I must see things as they are. Yes, without question, what he did to me was very wrong. But he was also a child, too. Whether he grew up realizing that what he had done was wrong and never did it again is questionable. I hope he did. Children do things not really understanding the ramifications or the consequences of their actions, but as they get older, they learn and thank God for that. Some don’t learn though. They continue on doing things to children that are unthinkable. They change lives. They change people. All I can do is forgive him for what he did to me and God have mercy on him if he continued on with his antics.

There is no telling how many times this has happened to anyone that has never been talked about. I still hear on the news of adults finally coming forward about their past. It happens more than you think. We as parents have an obligation to talk with our children, to warn them about sexual abuse or molestation, however you wish to say it. Children must be taught to say something immediately when they have been abused and to have that happen, the most important thing you can tell your child is that they have done nothing wrong. It’s a battle versus good and evil that has been waging forever and will continue to do so. Diligence is the key. Be diligent!

"Dreams I'll Never See?"

Your beauty is like the view from a mountain top that takes my breath away, taking my time to experience it all, never wanting to allow it to become a distant memory. Your smile shines like a quarter-moon being viewed from that same mountain top. Your sexuality causes my blood to flow like the waters from that mountain. I want to dive head first and feel the rush of the tides moving over my body. I want to take you in my arms and kiss you passionately on your perfect mouth as my finger tips lightly caress your body likened to the blind wanting to see. Your eyes sparkle like the waters the rushing river flows into, causing the light from the moon to shimmer across my face. I want you more than you can ever know.

I want to penetrate your soul and feel the heat that I know is inside, slowly moving so I can feel your soft wetness, slowly churning to make tiny bubbles that caress the tip of my cock the deeper I explore. I want to kiss your body in ways that brings a shortness of breath ending in subliminal moans of pleasure. At times I want to pause, allowing you to feel the beat of my heart inside your pussy. I want to feel you tighten your grip on me, pulling me into you. Slowly, I move in rhythm with my heart beat, increasing the length of my thrusts as it gets stronger. Your body against mine is the most wonderful feeling I can ever imagine. I become harder as I feel your hands grasp my ass to pull me into you as deep as you want me to be. Then I feel your pussy begin to convulse and let go its juices as you cum….so heavenly…I pause to feel every second of every spasm.

I get on my knees and I pull your ass into my groin and I fuck you like there’s no time left in my world, until I spill my juices into you with powerful spurts that coincide with the beating of my heart…slowly calming my existence. Now, I want to hold you…curled up into each other, caressing your body, never wanting to let you go…ever!

"The Greatest Fear"

What I see in today’s world is great fear…not of death or physical injury, or phobias that plague so many of us, but the fear of love. That makes me very sad.

Lo que veo en el mundo de hoy es el gran fear…no de muerte o lesiones físicas o las fobias que plaga a tantos de nosotros, pero el miedo del amor. Eso me hace muy triste.

"A Walk to Remember"

It was late spring of 1978 when I met my first fiancé. I was 22 years old and she was 18. I was from a small town in northeast Texas and she was from a small town in southeast Missouri. She was a cousin of a friend of mine and she was there for a visit. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and we hit it off straightway. I remember walking around town between her cousins house and mine just talking. Things began to get serious mighty fast.

We spent the remainder of the year, mostly on the phone. Boy, my Mom was upset a couple of times when the phone bill came in. Needless to say, I spent most of my pay on “being with her”. We even met halfway in Little Rock when she made a trip back to my home town, this time to see me instead of her cousins. We were so in love and life was so very good for us with the exception of our relationship being a long distance one.

We had already decided to get married the following summer, in June if my memory serves me right. But the distance had already begun to take its toll. Doubt had begun to set in along with mistrust and jealousy. The strange thing was that neither of us was actually seeing anyone else on the side. It was the price we both paid because of the distance between us. Or was it?

We had our differences of how a relationship works. I believed one way and she another, but I really wanted to know who was right. ‘Our song’ was “Kiss You All Over” by Exile. To give you an example of what I mean, the flip side of that particular forty-five record was I Love You No Matter What You Do.

At the time, my mind was young and my experience with love was the same. I was raised in the old southern Baptist traditions and they were always in the back of my mind with everything including my love relationships, what few there were. I was always in a state of confusion about what was right or wrong and acceptable or not. But I was also in love with this beautiful girl and I didn’t want us to end. But as time and that winter passed, I allowed my confusion to get the best of me.

I will never forget the last phone conversation we ever had over the phone. She was at work in the shoe factory she worked at and she was working the night shift. I had called her during her break and I was upset with myself about how I was handling our relationship. I was missing her. I was doubting her. I was not trusting her. So much was not right. There was so little time to talk about so much. I remember, vividly, her hanging up on me when I said to her, “You could have said no!”

I realized what I had said afterwards. I realized what it had meant for her to hear me say such a horrible thing. But she was hundreds of miles away. I lost a lot of sleep the next few days with what I could only imagine was going through her mind since our last phone call. I would try to call and she didn’t want to talk to me. The worst part is I knew and understood why. I didn’t even want to talk to me! So, I did what I normally do when I get upset, especially with myself…I took a walk.

I walked the four hundred fifty miles to her house from mine. No, I didn’t walk the entire way but I did walk for a lot of hours, for instance, three hours all the way through Little Rock, in the rain, and all during the night of the last hundred miles. Those hours of walking were the most troublesome for me. I was constantly going over every second I could remember of our relationship. I was asking more questions than I could ever hope to get answers for. But I was wondering most of all what I would say once I arrived at her front door. Would she even allow me inside? What would her parents say?

I knocked on her door about noon that Saturday morning. It was her Mom who had answered the door and she graciously let me in, neither of knowing for sure is if her daughter even wanted to talk to me. She, like her Mom, gracious allowed me to speak but then she said, “I had to leave because I should not have come.” I told her that I did. I decided at that moment to make her look good by making myself look bad. I told her that I had used her, that I didn’t love her the way I should have, all the while, her Mom listening to my conversation. I apologized and turned to the door and left. I remember the tears in my eyes as I walked down that dirt road leading away from her house towards the highway.

I thought the walk to her house was long until the walk home. I realize now that I should have said something else. I should have told her the truth, but would it have repaired the damage my mouth had already done? I will never know. But I do know that I did love her very much. She was my first real love. I never used her the way I had said. I was just confused within my own heart as to how to treat the one you love. I made the mistake of not treating her the way I wanted to be treated. Whether it would have made a difference, again, I will never know. But I do know that I would have walked away with a clear conscious in knowing that I didn’t use her and she would have known that I didn’t use her, as well. I should have told her the truth.

"To My Mom"

I couldn't lie down until I had written something in tribute to my Mom. She has been gone three years now. I can't sit here and say that I think about her everyday because I don't. But when I do, I think of her with the of greatest admiration and love a son could give. She taught me to be honest, open minded, and caring. She did well! She was a mother of twelve and single during the greatest part of her motherhood. Therefore, she taught us to be strong in the face of adversity.

I have still yet to mourn her loss or shed a single tear. Not because she wasn't a loss but more a gain to me. My life has been so enriched because of her and knowing that she is in heaven, I know I will see her again. So, I have never said good-bye, only "I'll see you later!"

I could probably write a book about her, meaning there is no room here for so much that she has left me and her other children to tell about. So, again, I will leave this at that. I do miss my Mom, very much. I am so thankful for her!

"Mom? I love you so very much! I miss you. I will see you later! And above all else, THANK YOU for being there for me everytime I needed you!"

"Mother's Day"

Mother's Day...it's such a blessed day because it celebrates everything that is all inclusive about Mom! It begins with the woman. History has its stories of women being treated as second class citizens, to be there every second only for the satisfaction of the man while, at the same time, never receiving the respect and true honor they deserve. Causes me to ask myself if these "men" actually understood exactly where they came from.

Women were not created to be second in line but more like second to none. They are more than a mere receptacle for our sperm and to give "us" children. What about giving "her" children? They are more than our chefs in the kitchen. Why not cook for her? They are more than our housekeepers. Why not clean up after ourselves so she can have time for herself, time that we, as men, take for granted, time that she so richly deserves. They are more than our nurses that take care of us men when we feel bad and whine like the child we become when we are ill. Take care of her when she feels bad for whatever reason. It's the right thing to do.

Women go through hell and back in childbirth. Some actually die while giving birth. I can't think of one man in all history that has ever lost his life while giving birth to a child!  So, tell me...Why is it, even now, that some cultures and societies still see the woman as second class? They deserve much more than they are given. They deserve our respect.

To all the women in the world, whether you are a mother or not, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

"Failure Is Not An Option"

I haven't had a great deal on my mind lately. Well, I do but I'm not quite ready to share just yet what and who it is. My world is still in limbo. There is so much that I desire that would make my world complete and totally happy. But I am aging fast and I am not so sure if these desires are relevant any more. Can I even live up to my own expectations?

I think about my youth so much nowadays and how I used to be and then I wonder if I could even regain some of my youthful vigor. I do know that if I am to have at least one of my desires, I would need the vitality of a twenty year old. It sucks to see time breeze by. My greatest fear is to be a total failure in the most intimate part of a relationship.

The thing is, I desire most of all to be able to let my pleasures to be known and my true pleasure is to know that you, whoever you may be, are pleased...totally! For you to come back for more is what truly turns me on!