"Fantasy or Prayer?"

Every day I think about what I look for in you. I look forward to the day when I can look into your eyes and see everything I have ever dreamed of. I am in awe of being able open my heart and mind to you and finding understanding and acceptance for who I am. I am so grateful for your trust in me, in knowing that I would never hurt you. I suffered for years from loneliness and heartache, most of which was of my own doing and now all of that is gone. For those same years, I was afraid I would spend the remainder of my days alone with no one beside me. That fear is now gone.

I owe my life to God in that He carried me through those dark years. But I must confess that I have had my doubts when it came to meeting you. Speaking in present tense, I have doubts, still. I can’t help it. I’m only human. Time seems to be slipping by unnoticed and I can’t stop it when I do. I become fearful that it will run out and you won’t be there to say, “I’ll see you later.” I know how selfish it is to think that way but that’s just me.

As I ponder my life and the past, I know everything I have ever done wrong. They say you can forgive yourself for the transgressions you do to others and that may well be true, but to be able to forget them has never been an option for me. I have never forgotten them; not a single one. They haunt me every day and knowing in my heart of hearts that God has forgiven me hasn’t stopped the dull, nagging pain that has remained within my spirit.

I look for healing in your eyes. Is it there? I seek forgiveness for my sins within your heart. Will I find it? I long for life to return within my own spirit by touching yours. Will I come alive? Most of all, I desire a light for my soul by opening mine to yours. Will I see the sunshine within me again?

I know that these hopes and desires are my mine and mine alone and I know that only I can cause these dreams to ring true, because they are all a result of my own downfall. I know deep inside that I can only overcome by my own repentance. All I want is a chance. I need you to believe in me. I need you to trust me. I know how I was wrong and I know what I need to do to be the man God intended me to be all along and I know it’s a lot to ask of you.

Yes, I long to look into your eyes and see a reflection of my own spirit so full of life and love. I hope for the days to share doing whatever we wish to do. I ache for the nights when we can hold, nurture, and love each other in preparation for the next day and most of all, to have a conversation with one another without saying a single word.

It’s a lot to ask of any one person but there’s a lot to lose with the possibility to never regain.