"Love Can Be A Bitch"

My mind is a quagmire of bullshit and priceless thoughts today. Knowing what my heart wants and desires is a far cry from what my mind tells me I can’t have. So, I feel the need to set aside the bullshit thoughts and focus on the priceless ones. Doing that, all I can think about is being by your side, holding your hand in mine, and looking into your beautiful eyes in hopes you can see the endless love I have for you in mine.

The eyes reveal more than we desire sometimes. So many times I have looked into the eyes of people and I see a totally different story than the rest of their body language reveals. On the outside, I can see joy and smiles, but the eyes tell a different story. The eyes tell of a deep pain, of loss, and even loneliness. It’s heartbreaking to see. The eyes of a child are filled with wonder of it all…their world and how to deal with every moment they live. Their honesty is worth savoring and learning to keep as your own, which brings me to the point I hope to make.

Love is hard. Love is painful. Love can tear you apart into a million pieces leaving little hope of being whole again. It can drive you insane. It can make you do things you never dreamt you would ever do. Love is also the most beautiful of emotions because it has the power to bring out your best as well as your worst. Yes, love can be a bitch, but is it worth it?

Sometimes I wish I didn’t fall so easily in love. Yes, I admit it. It’s true. I’m not sure why that is. It just is. Maybe, it’s because I have been alone so long? Maybe, it’s because I’m not as monogamous as I had hoped I should be? Maybe, I’m just your typical male? Maybe, it’s just you? I surely don’t know. I have been plagued with this for most of my life. I sometimes feel I have done wrong when I do fall in love with someone.

I say that like I do it on a daily basis but I really don’t. In fact, I have only been in love so few times that I can count them on one hand. Yeah, I know, it’s hard to believe. But I have to tell you that when I do fall in love with someone, it’s all or nothing. I don’t play! I fall really hard and deep. It’s a curse I tell ya…I’m cursed!

I want to love you with everything I have. It’s the only way I know how. But, I know deep inside there is always the chance your love for me cannot be returned in like measure. It’s just the way we are. You can’t dictate what your heart feels no more than I can mine. Yes, love is a bitch, but it’s the most beautiful bitch you will ever come to know.

Your pain will be magnified a thousand fold, as well as your joy. The taste is sweet as honey on your tongue and as bitter as vinegar and all at the same time, at times. Love will turn you into a king or queen, but it can also turn you into a monster that devours every ounce of life within your heart as well as your heart.

"For You, My Precious Friend"

There is not a moment that goes by when your name, your beautiful smile, or your warm heart doesn’t touch mine. My dreams are filled with you, being with you, in everyday life. My dreams are all I have nowadays, but I am working on making most of them come true. You see, I not only love you, but I am deeply in love with you. I feel the need to apologize for that, but for the life of me, I just can’t. I simply can’t help what my heart feels. I hope you don’t mind, Sweetheart.

I have never in my life had such a deep love and respect for any woman until I met you. Our little chats are forever etched in my mind and in the tablets of my heart. I go over them daily, savoring their kindness. This wonderful love I know deep inside that exists has risen and I want so much to share it with you, more than anyone I have ever wanted to share it with, ever. It’s a most beautiful love, Sweetheart…it really is!

I have nothing to offer you as far as worldly possessions. For that, I do apologize. I would give you the world if I could and it was mine to give. But all I have is me. That’s it, just me. I have tried my best to keep my heart in check and suppress what’s inside. I can no longer do that. It’s larger than I have ever dreamed.

I may lose you in writing this. It’s a chance I have to take. Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid you will have no choice but to turn around and walk away. If that’s what your heart tells you to do, then so be it. I will still feel the same, but I will also know that you can’t change what’s in your heart no easier than I and it will be ok. I can’t love you any less. I am caught between fighting for your love and giving up on it. I don’t know what to do. At this moment, all I know to do is to allow you your heart’s desire. You have always allowed me to have mine, or at least to express it.

I love you so much, it hurts. So many times I have wanted to hold you in my arms, never wanting to let go. I have wanted to make love with you until our hearts burst from passion, preceded by a foreplay that lasts all day, every day, just in the way I love you. Love isn’t only a word. I don’t use it lightly and when I say I love you, I mean it. It is also an action; a culmination of little things I do, wrapped up in ribbons and bows for you and only you.

Forgive me, my precious friend. I just love you!

"Young Love"

Do you remember love when it was young? Can you remember how it made you feel and what it made you do? Your emotions are on a roller coaster gone wild. Nothing seems to make sense. Concentration has become a thing of the past. You think of only one thing…or person. You are anxious about meeting her or him again. You have difficulty making even the simplest decisions like calling her or him. What should take only a split second takes minutes and sometimes hours to do, such as making that phone call. You wonder if and when you do if it will be accepted with the same enthusiasm as you have in making it. Then you finally make the phone call, weighing what you would lose if you hadn’t versus what you would gain now that you have.

Love, when it is young, wreaks havoc on your mind, body spirit and soul. Your stomach can stay in knots for days or more. Your heart screams for release of all this pent up love that you suddenly realize you had. Within your soul, a lightning storm in the night thrives; flashes of bright light in a darkened world of the unknown. Your spirit sings in perfect harmony the love songs you have come to enjoy.

You are constantly thinking of the worst…of it coming abruptly to an end. The fear is unbearable. Yet, you push forward through the thick haze of confusion, hopefully having the fog to lift and you are standing in clarity. Your loin burns and aches as all you can think of is making love to the one, feeling your body against one another, becoming one, over and over again until you are completely satisfied and yet…you begin to ache and burn again until the next time.

You kiss for the first time and the taste and memory of that kiss lingers like the sweetest perfume filling the air, leaving you wanting more. You share your dreams, your hopes, and your inner most secrets that you could never share with just anyone. Your mind reviews everything that has been said, written or implied, over and over again until it is memorized.

Love when it is young, there is nothing like it in the world. No matter your age, it makes you feel younger at heart. It gives you life and makes it worth living. It causes you to want to give of yourself. Love and being in love is a most beautiful thing.

"The Procrastinator"

I'll write about this later.

"Unconditional Love"

Does unconditional love exist between human beings? Some think so and others do not, which is not surprising. I think I need to describe what it means and how it is used before I can even go any farther. And from my understanding, it means to love someone regardless of the loved ones qualities or actions.

A mother’s love for her child is the most commonly used scenario. So, let’s explore that. If the mother’s love is in the right place from the beginning, then, I believe that unconditional love can exist. But the key is if. (Hmm…That looks like a condition, huh?) I would find it very difficult to believe otherwise. As we all have heard or even experienced as parents, children can be a disappointment. Some even continue on the road to self destruction after they have ‘grown up’ and it certainly causes a great deal of heartache and pain. But, do they stop loving the child? I don’t think so.

I can’t leave it at that, though, not without looking at things from the child’s point of view. When children do wrong, who is to blame? It’s not always the child’s fault. Ultimately, being the figures of authority and guidance, we as parents, should take responsibility for who our children are up until once they are grown. We are to respect our parents as children, but parents are also charged with respecting the children. When we don’t, life can be pretty ugly for a very long time, even for a lifetime.

Another way unconditional love is described is with family members but this is much more difficult to maintain. I have seen so many family members that have not spoken to other family members for decades. When these stories are shared with me as to why…Sometimes I can understand, but I also keep in mind there are always two sides to every story. And there are a couple other relationships that unconditional love that some say can exist like comrades in arms or people in highly committed relationships. But, the just of all this is…

Unconditional love is, more often than not, conditional, and that voids the whole idea. Unconditional love cannot exist between couples who are romantically involved, especially if they are married. The idea of exchanging vows automatically puts conditions on that love relationship. There is no way around that. For anyone to try to see it differently, they are only headed for disappointment and heartache, and sooner or later, they will be heartbroken.

Unconditional love is dependent on so many variables that it makes it almost impossible to achieve. As mentioned earlier, a mother’s love is the only love that can even come close and even that is dependent on the mother’s love in the beginning. My Mother was never a strong believer that blood was thicker than water. The only side she ever had taken with any of us siblings was the “right side”. She never pampered us when we got into trouble when it of our own doing. She always told us, “You know the difference between right and wrong. If you do wrong, you must pay the consequences and in turn, when you do right, you will also reap the rewards.”

Maybe for some, unconditional love between lovers does exist or it can. But for me, personally, I have a difficult time believing that it can ever exist between lovers. But, as I have also said, unconditional love is dependent on so many variables, that that in itself makes it all but possible.

"I Am Thinking It's Time"

I am thinking it’s time for more positive thinking. Today, I completed my first forty hour work week in over two years and my first overtime in almost four years. As I look back through the last five years or so, there were times when I couldn’t help but feel emotionally, physically, and sometimes, even totally drained, spiritually. This week was a milestone, indeed. The task in my writing will be challenged to the edge. Previously, for the most part, my writing has been focused on preventing oneself from collapsing totally to the floor after being knocked to your knees. I visualized myself in the middle of a large body of water after the sinking of my boat with only my own strength and will to survive to get me back to the shoreline. Treading water can be a bitch! But, it hasn’t been the first time I have had to begin again from scratch, finding myself doing so three times out of the last eight years. You would think I have become a pro at this. I am not a professional by a long shot, but I have improved with each occasion and I am always learning something new. With this past week ending as it did, I have a sense of renewal, of hope, that I haven’t had in a long while and it does feel good. I am going to hold onto that as if my life depends on it…because it does.

"How Do I Know?"

How do I know what’s in your heart? I can’t really, unless you tell me. It would be wrong and a mistake to assume on my own and I take what you say with a grain of salt. I open my own heart, as a book, allowing you to glance through the pages until you find something that catches your interest. Does it help you? I hope so or my endeavors are fruitless and a waste of time. My honesty isn’t free. It comes with a cost to me. It can be accepted or rejected. The rejection is the cost. I have to study long and hard when it comes to sorting the many thoughts I have within my mind and hopefully separate them from or consolidate them with my heart. The two are always in constant battle for dominance.

My heart is heavy, not able to navigate the heavy fog of confusion that often plagues me. Like a blind man, I find myself reaching out with my hands, feeling my way through this unfamiliar world in which I have found myself being. My steps are calculated, not wanting to stumble and fall, and afraid there is no ground to fall onto. What I truly wish for in these times is to touch your heart, to feel it beating within my finger tips. That would give me the comfort I desire, the peace I crave.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so transparent. I wonder about that sometimes. I often hesitate in my writing. I wonder about your thoughts as you read. Do you really appreciate what I have to say? Does my heart touch yours in the way I hope that it does? Do you laugh at me? Do you think that I am a few bricks shy of a full load? Regardless…I must do what I do. I must write down what’s in my heart. Otherwise, I feel that if it isn’t shared, it is useless to me, ultimately, and the life God has given me has been a total waste of His time and my energy.

"The Beauty of It All"

1.) A baby’s first cry

2.) Tootsie rolls

3.) A toddlers laugh

4.) Peach cobbler

5.) Catching your first fish

6.) Losing your virginity

7.) A first kiss

8.) A goal reached

9.) A pat on the back

10.) Soaking rains ending a drought

11.) A prayer answered

12.) Talking all night with your Grandmother

13.) A white Christmas

14.) A really good book

15.) Prom night

16.) The stars on a moonless night

17.) Our planet

18.) Smelling the flowers

19.) Naps in a hammock

20.) A child winning

21.) A first concert

22.) The county fair

23.) Smiles

24.) Making love with someone you actually love

25.) Spooning

26.) Making a cake from scratch

27.) Breakfast prepared on a wood burning cook stove

28.) A mother’s love

29.) Sunrise

30.) A pool on a hot day

31.) Cereal and milk

32.) Milk

33.) Slow dancing

34.) Music

35.) History

36.) Love

"What Do I Do?"

Last night, my youngest son asked me, “What do I do?” He was in a dilemma about a relationship he had been in for quite some time. He and his significant other had split up more than I could count over the last few weeks but I didn’t poke my nose into it and ask why or anything like that. I just let them go and see what happens. What I did find out was that she had been the one who was doing all of the ‘breaking up’. His dilemma was that he had just started another relationship with someone else and this previous girl was feeling a bit jaded and wanted to have him back, again. But as their track record proved, once she had him back, she didn’t want him anymore. He also was concerned about hurting her by saying “No, it’s over!”

She wasn’t being fair with him by breaking up and getting back together with him so much and she was not being fair to herself. On the other hand, he was not being fair to her nor himself by taking her back. I asked him if his new found girl friend was aware of what was going on and he told me she was. I told him that was a good thing, and that he didn’t need to be bullshitting either of them.

What it boiled down to, my advice that is, is that you can’t allow someone else to run your life. Ultimately, it is your life and you need to take the wheel and guide yourself to where it is you want to go. Sometimes people do get hurt when that is done but it is much better to cause pain in this manner as opposed to stringing someone along because of your own indecision, therefore, prolonging their agony and your own. If some folks want to go along for the ride, then that’s a good thing, but some won’t and those that don’t need to get out of the vehicle and allow you to go. It’s only fair.

"Things Do Get Better"

The days seem to float by nowadays; an endless stream of tick tocks of the clock ringing in my ears, especially at night when I am lying on the couch trying to fall asleep. I do my final e-mail checks and hopefully find someone on line that may want to chat for a few minutes…just enough to cause my eyes to become heavy. In the end, I roll over on my side into the fetal position and close my eyes and eventually fall asleep.

As I hold my eyes closed, I try hard to slow my mind down by thinking of someone. This someone is usually different from night to night depending on who ever it is I care for that has had such a difficult day. Sometimes, if I think about it…I say a little prayer and give thanks for all that I actually do have in the form of family and some most wonderful friends.

I finally head in the direction in the land of nod, never realizing that I had until I have awakened the next morning. It’s funny how that happens, isn’t it? I rise from the sofa and rub my eyes a little bit, pull on my jeans from the previous day and head off to the restroom for my morning pit stop. Then I return to the sofa, turn on my pc and then to the kitchen for some morning fuel (coffee).

Tonight is no different. I will lay there and think about someone who is hurting, not being able to do anything tangible except to pray. I am always reminded of ‘The Question’, ”Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?” Again, I say that if I am walking with my son and he trips, falls, hurts his knees…that doesn’t mean that I allowed it, but it does mean that I will pick him up, carry him home, nurse his wounds and when he heals, we can go walking again. You gotta have faith!

"Later Dude"

There was a time when I just couldn’t wait any longer to see you, be with you, talk with you. Isn’t funny how time can change someone? But is it that someone changes or is it more like time has allowed getting to know that someone? Or did time change me? I am thinking the honesty had a lot to do with the way things are now. I was honest to a fault and it caused pain. Maybe we started off on the wrong foot to begin with.

Regardless, I move forward into the future. I can’t be concerned about something I cannot change. It would certainly be a fruitless effort. My honesty will continue to change what others think about me. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can at least know without a doubt who I can trust with my heart and spirit by those who choose to remain by my side, the faithful few that I have grown to love very much and care about with all my heart and soul.

I never hold ill will toward those who have come and gone. It was their freedom of choice and at least they granted me that for myself. I will never hold ill will towards you. That’s how I roll. My honesty can be a little bit unorthodox in comparison to the norm. I never said anything that I didn’t truly feel. I also never said or asked of anyone, anything that I wasn’t willing or able to give or do on my own. I treated you exactly the way I wanted to be treated. Yes, it was painful at times, but pain is a bi-product of honesty. It’s to be expected.

So, with all this being said, I used to look forward to you. Now, I don’t. It’s apparent that you have moved on as well. That can be a good thing. Will I miss you? Of course I will! The times we had together were good and memorable. Did I want it to last longer? Of course I did! But I really never expected it to; too many hurdles to jump and way too long a track. But I can feel deep within my heart that I did try my best. I have no regrets for anything I did or said because I was only being honest and I can’t go wrong with that.