"Afraid to Come Out"

I can’t show my face

I’m so out of place

I’m always wondering how to get back in this race

Life’s thrown me thorns

I’m facing God with scorn

And sometimes I wish I had never been born

Life’s been hard

I’ve had to be a rock

But it seems my will has run out of stock

I’ve not reached you

The last few years

My heart has emptied of all the tears

When will it end

This river of doubt

I’m here in the dark and I’m afraid to come out

When will it end

This ocean of doubt

I’m here in the dark and I’m afraid to come out

These roads I have traveled

So many times before

These all too familiar landscapes

The countless closed doors

The light of day fills my room

Yet I curl up in a ball

As if still in the womb

It’s strength I need to carry on

I reach towards the heavens

Only to find you gone

When will it end

This river of doubt

I’m here in the dark and I’m afraid to come out

When will it end

This ocean of doubt

I’m here in the dark and I’m afraid to come out

© 2010 Robby J. Ward, Sr.

Train - Calling All Angels

"Mirror Mirror On The Wall"

 

Who’s the fa…Wait! Who is that? I have been avoiding the morning mirror lately, afraid to see what I may. My evil twin, we all have one whether we wish to admit it or not, is who I am sure I will see. The dark side, the hidden side, that side that scares you more than any horror film ever could. Those times in public places, and there is a chance of seeing yourself in a reflection, you ache to look but you don’t. Sometimes, in those weak moments, we do glance into that reflection from the corner of our eye, and just long enough for that image to be burned forever into that darkest corner of our mind, ready for that future haunting that is sure to come. One morning, I will eventually look into that mirror and likened to the fog on a mirror, wipe that horrific image clean away, at least temporarily.

Those images are of your present state of mind. Very rarely do we gaze on happy eyes at first glance while thinking of those valleys we have found ourselves in. Only while we are in those valleys do we truly have clarity of how things really are. That doesn’t make any easier to deny. We all do. We all, occasionally have a look, we deny what we have seen and move on until the next time, that time when we really stop, look, and listen.

There are times in our lives when we are so fucked up and we have no idea of who we are in that moment. We waste time in searching for answers that we already have. We even love the self pity. We roll around in that mud pit wrestling with those demons we face. We procrastinate. We are constantly rewinding everything that has threatened us, wondering why..knowing why. A mental illness? Could be. I guess that would depend on how long the procrastinating lasts. I guess it could depend on how motivated you are to wipe that mirror clean, take a good hard look, make changes, and then love yourself again. Yeah! Scary, huh?

"Thanksgiving"

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. The meaning is self-evident. It’s a day of thanksgiving for our many blessings, or gifts, over the past year. For many folks, it can be a day of mixed emotions, torn between being thankful or not, or what to be thankful for or not. I think if any one of us took the time to look back, we all can be torn between the two. But, as with other things in life, it’s all about perspective.

How far back in time do we go to count all of our blessings? Some blessings can be life changing events and can never be forgotten. Some are likened to steam from a tea kettle. Personally, I have been thinking about this certain holiday like I have never done before. There is only one question that comes to mind. What do I have to be thankful for?

I don’t even know where to begin in answering that question, except to say that Thanksgiving is all about family and friends, the interactions and connections we have with each other. I guess this is the root of what Thanksgiving is all about, the gratitude we have for others that have been brought into our lives. It’s not always about the tangible.

"Me and My Big Mouth"

Over the years, I have been known to open my mouth without thinking about what I am saying or how it is perceived. I do get into trouble a lot when I do things like that. All I wish to do is hide until I have forgiven myself for my stupidity and that can sometimes take a while. Sometimes, I wish I could be instantly bitch slapped. It makes the pain go away so much faster. I would rather be punished by someone other than myself.

To hurt someone’s feelings is intolerable to me. But I do it from time to time, without thinking. It’s always too late and the pain has been inflicted. That’s when I want to hide. That’s when I feel less than I really am. I absolutely hate some of the things I do or say when it comes to others.

"Fantasy or Dreams?"

Have you ever really been so lost that you think you will never be found? And you want something so bad but you have no idea what it is? The moments of your life turn into hours, days, weeks, months, and then years of irretrievable time. It’s gone. All that time is wasted. The most disturbing thing is that you have no idea what happened and you are definitely left asking only one question, why? It’s a sad state of affairs the way our lives sometimes turns in directions that you never see coming. It’s fast forward from that moment on until you find the courage to push the pause button or the reach to do so.

Every single night my mind goes into this dark world where nothing but the end pears around every corner. I was awakened after dozing off just recently, and suddenly, thinking I had just actually physically died. It was so real, I felt my blood stop flowing through my veins and begin to settle. It was peaceful, euphoric. The only anxiety I felt was the want to feel it again and couldn’t. How sad is that? Once I was awake, truly awake, I was happy to be alive. Now, all I want to do is live!

Maybe I do have a clue as to what I want, and it’s something that I haven’t had in a very long time. It’s a culmination of many things, really, all rolled up into one neat little package. I am exhausted from all of the pretending, this roll playing of happiness along with the positivity. Is it silly, though? Is it silly to pretend to have a life that is satisfied? I suppose it is to a point. When you lose sight of your dreams and they become no more than a fantasy is where the danger lies. Complacency is never a good train of thought and that’s what happens. You become a puppet and no one is pulling the strings, not even your own hands. The motivation fades into that dark place that your mind goes to in the night and you close your eyes to sleep.

I am not alone in my world, but I am lonely. I have friends but I have no friend who is also my lover. My heart is full yet void at the same time. My spirit cries every moment. My soul seems lost. But I am alive. I am awake. I will again lie down tonight and my mind will go to where it always goes. I will fall asleep, believe it or not, peacefully. I will dream. I will hopefully awaken to a new day. The day dreams of living will fill my mind. I will continue to go forward in time, reaching for that ever elusive pause button when I want to cherish a moment or two. Someday, somehow, my dreams will come true.

sarah mclachlan - unchained melody mv

"A Little Out of Character?"

I haven’t quit decided just yet as to my being out of character or not. I am fifty-five years old. I am currently unemployed. I have what remains of my last paycheck in my pocket and that’s going for the rent tomorrow. I am now stoned to the bone in spite of all this distorted animosity from life in general. Now, tell me if you can, can one make anything positive from this oxymoron of events?


Right now, I could give a rat’s ass, ya know? Don’t get me wrong, ok? I do realize that my actions do come back and bite me on the ass. This music I am listening to is kick-ass; Switchfoot-“Meant to Live”. The only thing I wish for myself is for everyone to allow me to think things through in my own way. I’m intelligent. I’m not always smart but I can do this. Ah! Staind and “It’s Been a While”. Ok, sorry, I got off track.

A very wise man once told me that, “Character is doing the right thing even when no one is watching.” Whether he was true to definition or not, he made a lasting impression. It’s so very true that you may forget the particulars of certain folks, but you never forget how they made you feel, learn, and grow. I couldn’t tell you one thing about who this man was or looked like but I never forgot what he said.

I and God alone should be the judge of my character, not anyone else, just as I treat you the same, respectfully. It just makes good sense. I get through my trials and tribulations by only the grace of God, nothing else. My heart is pure in spite of my actions. Is that a little vain for you, a little bit arrogant? I hate to disappoint you but there isn’t one human being on God’s green earth that isn’t vain or arrogant. It doesn’t mean that it’s bad. It’s just the way we are. And I wouldn’t be anyone else besides me. Indifferent as it may seem, I love who I am. I just don’t like some of the things I do.

Being a little out of character is just that. It’s a temporary change of a time and you can’t rewind it. Not all of our trials are self imposed. We are not always victims of our own doing. They just happen. Regardless of the reason why, I know without a doubt, I will get through it all. When is a different story, but it is also not relevant. The character you grew up with is the same one you grow old with.

"Winds of the Mind"

An open mind. Endless possibilities. Untold stories. Countless memories. Battles of good versus evil go on and on through time eternal. Close your eyes and allow your mind to take you away to faraway places, meeting new faces and learning names along the way. Maybe even naming them yourself. It’s beautiful, this place in your mind where daydreams become real enough to utilize all of the senses and feel all of the emotions.


You can make new friends, battle new enemies, and even experience love and heartache. The mind is a wonderful tool to have on your side. It’s simple yet complex. There’s nothing like it in the world. You may have many queries about the world outside the mind and find many of the answers inside of it. To exercise the mind is vital to actually living. Life can be full of so many things, like the mind, yet the mind can give you the ability to cope.

No one can learn about living very well all by themselves. Yes, the bare-bones essentials can be learned. But is that really living? Listen to the stories of others. Read them with passion. Soak them up like a sponge that has no limitations as to the volume that can be held within. Do others the same favor that has been done for you. Tell your stories. Never close your mind to the outside.

"Pondering the Possibilities"

It’s a very cool and wet Tuesday afternoon. It’s my second day off since Sunday and it looks like I will have many more before it’s all said and done. My last assignment ended Sunday is why I actually have time off and my ‘pimp’ doesn’t have any thing for me as of yet as far as an income producing job. I called to set up my unemployment today and was basically told, “You’re fucked!” So, now I sit here pondering the possibilities of a future. It doesn’t look good. I have two options as of this moment. I could sit here and feel sorry for myself or I could be positive. Hmmm….eenie-meenie-minie-mo…Which direction do I wish to go?