"Fantasy or Dreams?"

Have you ever really been so lost that you think you will never be found? And you want something so bad but you have no idea what it is? The moments of your life turn into hours, days, weeks, months, and then years of irretrievable time. It’s gone. All that time is wasted. The most disturbing thing is that you have no idea what happened and you are definitely left asking only one question, why? It’s a sad state of affairs the way our lives sometimes turns in directions that you never see coming. It’s fast forward from that moment on until you find the courage to push the pause button or the reach to do so.

Every single night my mind goes into this dark world where nothing but the end pears around every corner. I was awakened after dozing off just recently, and suddenly, thinking I had just actually physically died. It was so real, I felt my blood stop flowing through my veins and begin to settle. It was peaceful, euphoric. The only anxiety I felt was the want to feel it again and couldn’t. How sad is that? Once I was awake, truly awake, I was happy to be alive. Now, all I want to do is live!

Maybe I do have a clue as to what I want, and it’s something that I haven’t had in a very long time. It’s a culmination of many things, really, all rolled up into one neat little package. I am exhausted from all of the pretending, this roll playing of happiness along with the positivity. Is it silly, though? Is it silly to pretend to have a life that is satisfied? I suppose it is to a point. When you lose sight of your dreams and they become no more than a fantasy is where the danger lies. Complacency is never a good train of thought and that’s what happens. You become a puppet and no one is pulling the strings, not even your own hands. The motivation fades into that dark place that your mind goes to in the night and you close your eyes to sleep.

I am not alone in my world, but I am lonely. I have friends but I have no friend who is also my lover. My heart is full yet void at the same time. My spirit cries every moment. My soul seems lost. But I am alive. I am awake. I will again lie down tonight and my mind will go to where it always goes. I will fall asleep, believe it or not, peacefully. I will dream. I will hopefully awaken to a new day. The day dreams of living will fill my mind. I will continue to go forward in time, reaching for that ever elusive pause button when I want to cherish a moment or two. Someday, somehow, my dreams will come true.