"My First Heartbreak"

After speaking with a very special friend yesterday, her story she had to tell reminded me of my first heartbreak. I was seventeen when I had my first kiss with my first girlfriend. I remember her like it was yesterday; her pretty face, her bracefilled smile. This kiss came out of the blue. My head was spinning for hours and hours after that, leaving me wanting more. I remember laying in bed that night, thinking about that kiss. We started “going steady” the next day. I was on cloud nine, feeling like I had finally joined the human race.

As first loves go, I remember the day our “going steady” ended. If I remember right, I probably made her nervous. I was wanting more than she was willing to give. At the time, me being so young, it was difficult to understand her views. Hell, I wasn’t even sure of my own. All I knew is that I was a raging hormone that needed to make landfall. She broke up with me after about four months.

My heart was truly broken. I felt so lost and even betrayed, not by her, neccesarily, but by love itself. It was supposed to last forever. I moped around the house for days and days, asking myself why and never getting a real answer. I would go to the recreation center of the air base where I was living and listen to music in their listening boothes, crying my eyes out to “These Eyes” by The Guess Who. That was my heartbreak song.

I learned a great deal that fateful year. I learned that love doesn’t always last and that the reasons could be as simple as ”I just don’t think I like you anymore!” But I also learned that love does come around more than once and the lessons we learn can be put to good use each time it does. Another breakup song was “The First Cut Is The Deepest” I think I listened to that one once the pain retreated and anger set in. But, again, I learned. Breaking up is hard to do. It can cause pain and break hearts. But like a wound, it heals in time.

I have heard lately that insanity is the process of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, and that makes a little sense. I still enjoy and live by “Do what you have always done and get what you always got!” Some are blessed enough to have love for a lifetime. Some aren’t. For those that aren’t, all I can say is, that for me, love is more tolerable than I ever realized. It requires the patience of Job. But I think more than anything, it requires me to give more of myself than I receive, including respect for a significant other’s views and being honest about them. If you believe in something so strongly, never let it go, because a reason is there for that conviction. Be also mindful of what others may feel strongly about. And if there doesn’t seem to be a working solution for a coexistence, then end the relationship before it ever gets started. Never leave the door open to emotions that can kill the spirit.

Growing up is hard to do, even harder than breaking up. Being blinded by love can lead to heartache. And you can talk to the young until you are blue in the face, sometimes, and never really make any progress. They think like they are supposed to. We adults shouldn’t expect miracles to happen and expect the young to actually practice what we teach. But we do have a guarantee that what we share with them will remain somewhere in the back of their minds and they will bring it forward to use at an appropriate time.

Love can last forever. When it doesn’t, it hurts like hell! But the heart heals, sometimes leaving scars, sometimes not. Approach love with complete abandon as well as with complete caution. Sounds hard, doesn’t it? It can be. However quickly your heart heals or doesn’t, never give up on love. We need that in our lives. Love is what keeps us humane as well as human. It’s a gift. Cherish it. Nurture it. Respect it. Above all….Look forward to it! Love doesn't break the heart. A person does and a person can also help put the pieces back together.

"Just Another Day In Paradise"

I have been a little busy the last few days. My Grandson, Eli, has been visiting me and he is a handful! So, my mind has been taken to a place where life lives with the sound of little children (my son’s girlfriend has her daughter here, too). It can be deafening. I has been deafening at times.

I spent the last few days working in the Texas heat…sweating my ass off. That could be a good thing in that maybe I can lose a couple of unwanted pounds. Hey! I can dream can’t I? When I get home from work, I simply collapse and soak up as much air conditioning as I possibly can. I check my e-mails, then check out what’s been happening in the worlds of my online friends. It’s summer time, so there is very little action online, and I can understand that. But it does get boring…very, very boring!

My patience is wearing thin as of late, though. The job market is the pits. I have resumes spread out all over the southern United States, from California to Florida and nothing seems to be happening. The reccession has really done some serious damage. But, Lord have mercy, two years without full time employment is really coming close to breaking my spirit.

I am glad I have had the pleasure of Eli’s company. He has been a blessing by taking my mind elsewhere for a few days. Besides, I don’t get to see him that often. Thank God for small favors such as grandkids! The noise level is higher than a cats ass, but it beats the quietness of my own mind and wanting things to get better.

"I Can Be Little Harsh"

I had a chat with an old friend yesterday and she kinda got me thinking (she has a knack for that). She says, “Damn, you aren’t a little pissed at men are ya?”

Well, yes, I am. But I am more pissed at myself for allowing what some people do get to me. In the end, I look like a raving lunatic. But I can’t help how I feel.

I don’t normally rant and rave like this and I get pissed off at myself and God more than any others. I guess if there was any good point I could make by writing my last blog, it would be this…”It really doesn’t have to be that way. It really doesn't!”

"What I See...."

What I see through the eyes of the beautiful (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) woman is heart breaking. The essence of the stories told throughout history have pretty much remained the same. I have seen some of these stories unfold before my own eyes, as well. What I invision in my minds eye is the woman, trying her best to be herself, working hard to make it in this world by her own merits and not by her own beauty. All she wants is to be recognized for who she is and what she is all about. This beautiful woman, if she hasn't found true love, she is wanting it. Sometimes she feels she has found it, only to find she hasn't and all that remains is an empty shell in which a heart used to beat for the love of her life. She realizes that most of the attention she receives is by a bunch of superficial hard dicks. The trust she used to possess is gone. All this is a life changing event for her. She has no choice but to turn to her own self for the trust she so desperately wants and needs. And men just don't seem to get it!

Some men make me sick! Their selfishness is...well, just fucking sad! I get so fucking angry when I see this happening to women. Goddammit, guys! What the fuck are you thinking? And you wonder why women are so hard to get. It's no game. They aren't playing. They have a reason for their guarded heart and state of mind. This has been going on since day one! I am truly amazed that the human race has been able to multiply at the rate it has because if I were a woman, I wouldn't have a fucking thing to do with you either!

I have to stop and be honest before I go on. I see all of this because I have been there, done that...had the t-shirt. I am not proud of that and never will be. With that being said....I won't sit here and apologize for all these assholes who think that they are God's gift to women. They don't deserve it and I wouldn't give them the sweat off my balls if they were dying of thirst. I will say I am sorry for my own actions, and I am. I truly am sorry!

I could hope that this will change for the better, but I know it won't. It's been going on too long. The wife beaters, the users, the liars and cheaters, will always be amongst us. What changed me? Finally seeing the pain I caused, the heart that has been truly broken and the spirit die was more than I could take. I became the man I found repulsive and apalling. I was deeply ashamed! Can a man change? I could say yes, but when it comes right down to it, my own answer isn't worth the paper it's written on and talk is cheap. That's an answer I must leave up to the woman. It's her heart, her life, and her spirit that's at stake, not mine. The only thing I can do is live up to my own words and go from there.

"There Comes A Time....For you, Ms Mary"

There comes a time when I must set aside all that I feel towards others and think of their needs and comfort.

"Not In The Best Of Spirits"

I'm not in the best of spirits today. I don't know why. Maybe I have set my expectaions way to high from life in comparison to what I put into it.

"Thinking Too Much"

The night time is my most difficult time of day. My mind accelerates to near light speed in anticipation of the following day and the incidents of the previous twenty four hours. Not an evening goes by without my thinking of how less stressful my life would be with you here, whoever you may be.

I have had my sons on my mind a lot lately. I reach back in time and I can’t help but watch my own marriages go to hell in my mind’s eye. Both of my sons have been married and divorced, at least once, and at such an early age. My oldest is now destined to be divorced his second time. What causes me grief and pain is that the reasons, the questions with no answers and the train of events go nor come from anywhere. I see the heartache in others as they play the blame game, only to be left void of any real truth as to why and why is so very important. I went through it, too. I have come to believe that the blame game is senseless.

I take a cup of coffee and I sit at the patio table on the front porch at night and I think. I think of why I have done some of the things I have done. I find myself retracing my steps, realizing that I have only scratched the surface and the reasons for my own downfall were actually symptoms of deeper problems. The blame game, then, comes into play for my own divorces. I have learned that I have only myself to be held responsible for my actions. I know that with anything that may happen or that has happened in my own life, there is or was something I could have done to make things better.

What I do believe with all of my heart is that with every relationship that has failed, at least one person in each knows exactly what turned things in a different direction. As hard as it is for me to admit, I know exactly the moment that changed how I felt about my significant others when it was my own heart that changed; something was said or done by them that caused my heart to change in that very moment. That doesn’t make it their fault. As I said before, there was something I could have done or said in every situation that could have made things better; maybe not the ideal but better.

My entire life has been dedicated to finding the truth about relationships and possibly the secrets to longivity. As I have mentioned before, I have battled with the morality of intimacy and “when the time is right”. Throughout my “formative years”, the practice of waiting until you are married before you had sex had been drilled into my mind because "the Bible says so". The Bible doesn’t say any such thing specifically, but it still left me with the deepest desire to know what God says about it. I can’t sit here and say that I will ever find peace within my spirit concerning this battle. I hope I do. Maybe it’s as simple as honest communication, learning about your love interest before making a commitment to actually be with someone. I also believe that being married doesn’t make you commited. It only makes you married.

What I do know for sure, after taking the time writing this down and making sense of it all, taking time to know someone is always best. Giving your heart the time it needs for it’s foundation to solidify and or have it changed and being brutally honest can save more marriages than I can only imagine. I know it could have helped in my own relationships. My first marriage has given me two wonderful sons that I have never considered a mistake of my mistakes. I have set them both down at some point in their lives and I have talked to them openly about what I feel and believe. I will, no doubt, be making adjustments because of what I learn as I get older. And from the discussions we have had in the past, they do listen. They do remember. Although they will choose to do things their own way and learn on their own time. I just pray they don’t wait until they are old like me and time has slipped away for any chance of doing things right. Yes, I do tend to think too much. I have been accused of over analyzing things. Maybe that’s a habit I need to break and simply be honest with myself and others, even if it hurts.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

This is for my Father...I love you and miss you. I hope you are resting easy!

"What I Leave You"

I often wonder just how much good and bad my sons inherited from me. They are as different as night and day, therefore the issues they have had to deal with in their lives are also different. What bothers me is that all of the detrimental issues they face combined, I have had to face at one time or another in my own life. It's like I split them all right down the middle and give each one half, and telling them, "Here, this is yours and this is yours. Learn." Everyone has had to make a choice in their life about something on a daily basis. That's what life is...a series of choices. And we all have made bad ones as well as good. And for the most part, we do learn.

One thing I can say is that both of my sons did get all of the good that I have. I'm not taking anything from their Mother...I'm just sayin'. They have an open mind because I allowed them to think for themselves. They were allowed to speak their mind when we engaged discussions. Yet, they understood what was and wasn't negotiable.

I have watched them grow into young men, full of energy and dreams. I have also watched them endure heartache and pain. That is what hurts me; knowing that my bad traits were passed on down to them. Through it all, I know that they will continue to grow and learn lifes most difficult lessons. To this day, both still come to either their Mother or myself for guidance and advice. They don't always use it, but at least they know they can always come to either of us.

"Take My Hand"

Take my hand, Little One

Let me guide you

You have changed my life

Allow me to change yours

It won't always be easy

It won't always be fun

We first learn to walk

Only then can we run

There will be heartaches abound

Enough pain to go around

Fear will grasp you

Courage will elude you

I will be here

Take my hand, Little one

You have changed my life

Allow me to change yours

You will learn as you grow

I will learn, too

You can find strength in me

As I will in you

© 2010 Robby J. Ward, Sr.

"Coming Into Focus"

Sometimes, time is necessary for things to come into focus. You think you know people, but then time goes by and you find you didn’t know them quite as well as you thought you did. The funny thing is, you pick up on these little things, subtle hints of their true personalities and you think to yourself, “Why didn’t I listen or pay attention to these things?” Denial can be a nasty habit to break even if simply dropped because it can be as subtle as the hints and so resilient, it only bounces back to hit you in the nose. Putting your trust in others can be painful. It can also be the most beautiful experience of your life!

It’s so difficult to find a true and lasting friendship, but when you do…Oh Man! Again, it’s the most beautiful experience! I dare to say that this problem isn’t new to the human race due to the shrinkage of the world we live in. Like other issues we face nowadays, it has only become more exposed. Generations come and go but the attributes of the human race have really stayed the same. We have only become more aware of these things and countless other tragedies, as well as wonderful things, because of the times in which we live and the technology we have come to know.

I have learned not to expect a great deal from others. I can always hope for the best but I surely expect the worst. But, if I can be patient enough, understanding enough, and most importantly, learn to walk in someone else’s shoes and not judge them on these subtle hints, while at the same time, look in the mirror and actually see that I am no different nor better, then I can honestly say to myself, “I told you so!”

Once you have focus and the truth is revealed, all one can do is accept it as it is and move on, but also keep in mind that those who you really care about, regardless of what you may see once you have gained focus of who they really are, they are people, too. They have the same lack of focus you have about others and, possibly even you, and the truth is revealed to them as time goes on.

"A Sixth Sense?"

Every once in a great while I get an aweful dread, or a heavy feeling of sadness, that overwhelms me. It doesn’t happen very often, usually every couple of years or so, but it has varied. Three times in the 90’s it happened and the manifestations of each were saddening because later, on each of those days, I learned of a loss of a close family friend. It happened one other time within the last ten years with the loss of my younger brother.

Not every incident results in this kind of revelation. Thank God, a few have turned out to be “false alarms”. Today was one of those days. It was a false alarm…or at least, so far it has. I’m not sure if I should be grateful for or cursed because of these overwhelming emotions. What I do know is that I really hate them and I can’t escape them when they come about. All I know to do is to pray.

"I Have Always Dreamed Of You"

I have always dreamed of you, a sultry woman, an exotic woman, a beautiful woman, the woman every man dreams of, causing the strongest passion and desire he could ever know.

I have always dreamed of you, a compassionate woman, a loving woman, a woman who appreciates the beauty within, a woman that brings a tear to my eyes in caring for others more than her own self.

I have always dreamed of you. An intelligent woman, more than I, a brave woman who, against all odds, became the woman she wants to be.

I have always dreamed of you, a woman who loves me as I love her, with no regrets, no restraints, and no shame.

I have always dreamed of you, the woman I hate to leave every morning, the woman I can’t wait to come home to every night, the woman I could give foreplay every second just in the way I am in love with her.

I have always dreamed of you, a woman I can truly give my love to and received in trust, a woman I want to make love to ever so slowly so she and I can feel everything that can possibly be felt.

I have always dreamed of you. I want you to feel my every heart beat as I move inside of you, to feel you move outside of me as you reach the highest point that making love could take you, to hold you tight when you do reach orgasm after orgasm, to let you know that your pleasure is all mine, to kiss you lightly all over, to caress your soft skin, lighting the kindling over and over, to taste your every pore, your moist lips below. I want to hold you as much as you would allow for that is where I feel safe. Yes, I feel safe in your arms.

© 2008 Robby J. Ward, Sr

"I Look Into Your Eyes"

Sitting here sippin my coffee.
Waitin on the sun to rise.
Knowin that it won’t be long til I look into your eyes!
Lookin forward to the day.
Can’t stop the anticipation rise.
Knowin that it won’t be long til I look into your eyes!

Chorus:
Oh sweet baby, I miss you more each day,
Even though you’re in the next room over.
I love you just this way!

It’s almost five in the evening,
And I’m waitin on the bell to ring.
Knowin that I’ll be home soon makes my heart really sing!
Lookin forward to our evening,
Can’t stop this anticipation thing.
Knowing that you’ll be in my arms makes my heart really sing!

Chorus:
Oh sweet baby, I miss you more each day,
Even though you’re in the next room over.
I love you just this way!

The night has come and our day is done
I lie down by your side.
I say a prayer to thank God you’re near
The anticipations rise.
I pull you close and make love with you
As I look into your eyes.

Chorus:
Oh sweet baby, you really make my day,
Even though you’re in the next room over.
I love you just this way!
Oh sweet baby, I miss you more each day,
Even though you’re in the next room over.
I love you just this way!

© 2009 Robby J. Ward, Sr.

"Some Childhood Memories"

Lawd have mercy, the years have certainly gone by so quickly. I was thinking about this today and a few may find this short story a tad funny, but I have learned to laugh at myself as I have gotten older. There was a particular period that my imagination would run rampant alongside me as I ran rampant. I was about 12 years old and we lived so far out that sunshine, rain and air had to be piped in.


We had a Shetland pony named Tony my Grandfather had gotten, somehow, from the ranch he was working at. My grandfather had a knack for wheeling and dealing. He was allowed to bring the horse to our place for us four younger boys to ride. All we had to do was take care of it. The two houses on the property where we lived was also part of another deal he had made with the owner. What that come down to was we became share-croppers. We lived there for "free" as long as we (everyone) helped harvest whatever crops the "landlord" had planted that particular spring. Sometimes it was tomatoes, or okra, but most times it was watermelon. But we were also allowed our own acre of land to plant what we wanted to. It was some mighty fine eatin' back then...lol...I guess the only thing we ever had to buy from the grocer was milk, sugar and coffee...oh yeah, and tea. Point is, we had most everything we needed for food right out our back door. All we had to do was work it and work for it. We got our water from a bucket drawn well. We went swimming in the pool down in the pasture. We even had an outhouse.

At a previous shack (for real, the inside walls were cardboard instead of sheetrock) we lived in, my Grandparents had a wood cook stove, complete with a thermostatically controlled oven and our Sunday breakfasts were to die for. There was homemade everything, from biscuits and gravy, eggs, bacon and sausage. Even the jams and jellies were homemade and canned by my grandmother. We were dirt poor but we were never hungry. I really miss those days, my Granny's cookin'. (back to the original house...lol)

My brothers and I would take off into the woods, taking a few quilts, some snacks and some coffee, and we would camp out in those woods. We would stay the whole weekend sometimes. We would just set up camp somewhere within a one mile radius of the house and just simply hangout. I remember the night skies back then. Being so far from a city of any size at all enhanced the brightness of the night sky. The stars were so bright and clear, especially on nights of a new moon. It was absolutely beautiful! I still stop and see the stars when I have an opportunity. I would be driving in my Jimmy heading away from the city lights until I could see no lights for miles, open my moon roof and just kill the engine and look up. Funny, it's a moon roof at night and a sun roof during the day...lol...Ok, back to my memories.

I remember my childhood hero, Tarzan! He was huge, back in the day! Yeah, I like all the others, but they were no match for Tarzan, the monkey man. He was not animated like the rest so I guess that was the appeal. I remember, and laugh if you want, I would run around the sandy pastures in nothing but a loin cloth I made. I still laugh when I picture my skinny ass running around God's half acre like that. I was Tarzan for the few times. I almost got caught one day, though. We had company comin' up the road one day and I didn't know it. It was just gettin dusky dark when I saw the headlights of the car. To this day I couldn't tell you who it was. All I know is I knelt down behind a bull-nettle bush until the car went away. I am so glad they didn't stay long, whoever they were. Sad thing is, I didn't have anyone to play Jane...lol

"My Unbroken Circle"

Today has been a day for me to remember. For as much misfortune as I have in my life right now, I have more fortune than I can ever deserve. I speak of my family and friends. Now, family can be pretty much a given when it comes to showing how they feel towards you. Friends, real friends, on the other hand, can sincerely bring happiness into your life and cause the trials and tribulations we face to fade into the back of our minds. I have been truely blessed with friends like these. I am so thankful for each and every one. There are two rules I try my best to live by. One, treat others they way you wish to be treated. It works...miracles. Two, no man is an island. We all need each other. Only a fool would think otherwise of either of these truths.

I may bitch and moan about why things happen as they do, but I am never envious of the blessings that others have. I thank God for those blessings He bestows on others. I may become impatient, but I never take for granted those wonderful people that God has blessed me with knowing, those precious few in my circle of friends. It is days like today that I realize that with all of the wisdom I have gained, all of the heartache I have suffered, the many happy tears I have shed, and all the lessons I have learned, that my life has meant something to someone and that I live not in vain, but with purpose, no matter what I seem not to have. Because I have the most wonderful possession anyone can have...I have you, my unbroken circle of friends. God bless you! Thank you!

"Call of Silence"

One of my most favorite television programs is NCIS and I think we all are familiar with it. There is one episode (my all-time favorite) that really brought a tear to my eye, literally, and the title was "Call of Silence". It's the story of a WW II Medal of Honor recipient who has lived most of his life with guilt in thinking he murdered his Army buddy during the war on Iwo Jima. It's a story of a true hero who deserves the highest respect. But Cpl. Yost was a hero in more ways than one. He had also just lost his wife of almost sixty years, whom he loved deeply.

What brought the tear to my eye was when Cpl. Yost invited Special Agent Caitlyn Todd to dance, something he loved to do with his wife. As they danced, even Caitlyn had tears in her eyes because she was an empathetic type person, but I think she knew there was something very special about the gentleman she had the privilege of dancing with.

Heroes come in all shapes, sizes, colors and genders. Most times, we think of those who give the ultimate sacrifice for others and rightfully so. I just don't think we give a lot of people the honor they truly deserve when it comes to how they loved their own spouses, for those who truly do, as Cpl. Yost loved his. He loved her by honoring her. They are heroes too!

It makes me wonder what has happened to us, as a people, because we don't love like we used to. We live in a disposable world and it has trickled into our relationships. Maybe we make bad choices. Maybe not. Maybe we take chances at love and that has been a mistake I have made in my own personal life. Love should be a choice, not a chance.

There are not too many men like Cpl. Yost left any more. It's been 64 years since WWII ended. We should all honor them with all of our heart because they have left a legacy that we very seldom pay enough attention to.

"The Stripper"

Metallica-Turn The Page

Only a hand full of close friends and family know that I was married to a "stripper", a label pinned on the women who participate in this form of adult entertainment, a label of some low rated opinions in fine print. What bothered me most about this imagery is that most of those who have judged these women were the patrons who paid their hard earned dollars for the lap dances and private sessions. Granted, there are those women who are probably deserving of this criticism, but I can't help but wonder and even believe that something happened, a string of events, that brought them to make the choices they have made in their lives. Everyone is motivated by something.

My life with her was short lived but not for the reason you may think. The place where we met was only a place I went to hang out with a couple of friends from time to time and shoot some pool. I would spend a few bucks every now and then for a lap dance but that was the extent of my patronage with the ladies. My point is, I wasn’t “looking”. But, I found it, or it found me. She and I began to chat when I would come to play. After a while we became quite close, friends, if you will. While I was with her as a friend and then as a husband, I learned a great deal about her (their) lifestyle and some of the motivations that brought them to where they were. I also learned a great deal about myself in dealing with trust.

I had always thought that jealousy was only a lack of trust. I found that to be very true. If you trust in someone with all of your heart then jealousy will never be an issue. It’s true! Trust me! I knew the business she was in and her motives. I was never jealous. When her work was done, she would come home to me and that’s all that mattered. It was actually one of the most liberating feelings I had ever experienced, to allow someone be who they are without limitations imposed. She was mature enough to do that all on her own.

The reason very few know this fact about my life isn’t because I am ashamed because I am certainly not. I do have my dark side that only God above knows about but if anyone wants to know anything about me, all they have to do is ask. Maybe one day I will share why our marriage ended, but I will leave this for you to ponder…it wasn’t because of her or me.

"The Gemini...Naturally Bi-Polar"

I am the Gemini...the twin. I am a twin in reality, as well. I am a lover, not a hater. I do avoid conflict but I will also face it if need be. When I am good, I am very good. When I am bad, well, you get the picture. There is very little room for luke warm. I am either hot or cold. I do realize and respect the full spectrum of colors between the basic black and white. I am often torn between what is real and a dream that I wish so badly to come true. The Bible speaks of a "double minded man being unstable in all his ways." That may very well be true and some have probably thought of me as having more than one personality. But, I look at it this way, I have the ability to look at things from more than one angle and I have always thought of me as being...me.

I have sometimes envied those who are not like me (other than a Gemini), those who seem to have their shit together and have always had a sense of identity.  It hasn't always been that easy for me. I feel I have spent a lifetime figuring out who I am, always trying things differently in search of the truth, like my whole life has been spent in a lab and I was mixing this with that and recording the results in the deepest part of my mind. It's amazing how much storage space the human mind has for all the shit we keep in there.

The Gemini is a very special breed, indeed. I have really never known the reason why that is or even if it is actually true, but I believe it to be. I don't think I am any different or better than anyone else, Gemini or otherwise. I am just one more person in the world trying to figure out what the hell all this is all about. The countless emotions we have every moment we exist determine who we are to become. Some learn that early on, some later in life, and the rest in between.

Some things I am still debating on. Some things I have figured out and even defied them, losing the battle each time. Some things I have yet to experience and I am pretty sure I haven't a clue what those things are until I do. I will cross those bridges when I come to them. In the meantime, I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve, keep an open mind to what others may think or feel, and realize that whatever life has yet to offer me is for me and me alone. But I will also continue to share with you and others what I absorb in this spongy organ I have in my head called a mind.

"Trivial Pursuit"

1.) Big girl panties have less material than little girl panties.
2.) Males show their ass more than females.
3.) A man-hole cover that reads "Sanitary Sewage"?
4.) Staffing agencies are legalized pimps.
5.) "Public Works Department"...usually leaning against their vehicles.
6.) "Swift" trucking isn't that swift.

Will add more as they come to mind. Feel free to add if you wish...lol

"A Balance of Power"

It all seems to be give and take...Is it? All I want to do is give! Maybe it's my age. Maybe I have taken most of my life and it's time to give back. Maybe it's a little of both. What I know for sure is that your pleasure is all my pleasure!

"Someone To Look Up To"

I went to visit a wonderful new friend this past Monday. I have only known her a few months and we have visited a few times since we met. She is a single mother of three young boys, although her oldest lives with his dad. But this isn't about her but her two youngest boys. The second time we visited, it was early afternoon and school buses were delivering their load of kids to their respective homes. The driver dropped hers off about a block away and we watched as the youngest skipped most of the way and the oldest meandered his way home. We did most of our visiting on the tailgate of my Jimmy and when it was time for me to go, I said my see you laters and the oldest boy asked, "Why are you leaving?" I told him I had things I needed to get done that it was time.

The purpose of my visit yesterday was a result of an invite to come over, hang out and watch a movie, "Inkheart". When I arrived, her boys were on the loveseat playing and they moved down a hair so I could have a seat. They resumed playimg with their toys and chattering about this and that to me, mainly just kid boy stuff. I visited long enough to watch the movie and I decided it was getting late and told my friend I was headed home to rest and that I hadn't been feeling well. But what got to me was a sadness in her oldest sons countenance when I said I was leaving. As I mentioned, this isn't about her or me, but her boys. I see a need of an older companion in his eyes, his heart. I see he misses his father and I also see the confusion that is tearing at his heart strings. I understand this all too well.

My friend, the Mom, has serious health problems. Her husband left her because he said he couldn't deal with them anymore. But, I think he had someone else on the side and used that for an excuse to leave, but regardless. He has his high lifestyle in Dallas making very good money. He has his new Mustang and a pretty young thing by his side with his child growing inside of her. Now, he is challenging my friend (the Mom) with a paternity suit, claiming that neither of her two youngest boys are his. I have met him once and I truly don't think he has a third leg to stand on. They do favor. He just doesn't want to do the right thing and support his kids. Lawd have mercy on him when the results come back proving he is their father. Forgive me but I hope the judge slams his ass on the ground for his arrogance.

I know I won't be a permanent part of their lives, her boys. But I will continue to visit and hang out just because she wants me too. I am just too old or she is just too young. But she will always be my friend and vice versa. I pray she will find someone that will appreciate her in spite of her health issues. She did have a "roommate" for a short while, but he left because he couldn't hang either. She is absolutely gorgeous with the most beautiful emerald green eyes you have ever seen. She just wants someone who can get past what has plagued her for the last couple of years and it will take someone very special.

Her boys need someone they can look up to. Come to think of it, maybe that's what she needs, too!