"Thinking Too Much"

The night time is my most difficult time of day. My mind accelerates to near light speed in anticipation of the following day and the incidents of the previous twenty four hours. Not an evening goes by without my thinking of how less stressful my life would be with you here, whoever you may be.

I have had my sons on my mind a lot lately. I reach back in time and I can’t help but watch my own marriages go to hell in my mind’s eye. Both of my sons have been married and divorced, at least once, and at such an early age. My oldest is now destined to be divorced his second time. What causes me grief and pain is that the reasons, the questions with no answers and the train of events go nor come from anywhere. I see the heartache in others as they play the blame game, only to be left void of any real truth as to why and why is so very important. I went through it, too. I have come to believe that the blame game is senseless.

I take a cup of coffee and I sit at the patio table on the front porch at night and I think. I think of why I have done some of the things I have done. I find myself retracing my steps, realizing that I have only scratched the surface and the reasons for my own downfall were actually symptoms of deeper problems. The blame game, then, comes into play for my own divorces. I have learned that I have only myself to be held responsible for my actions. I know that with anything that may happen or that has happened in my own life, there is or was something I could have done to make things better.

What I do believe with all of my heart is that with every relationship that has failed, at least one person in each knows exactly what turned things in a different direction. As hard as it is for me to admit, I know exactly the moment that changed how I felt about my significant others when it was my own heart that changed; something was said or done by them that caused my heart to change in that very moment. That doesn’t make it their fault. As I said before, there was something I could have done or said in every situation that could have made things better; maybe not the ideal but better.

My entire life has been dedicated to finding the truth about relationships and possibly the secrets to longivity. As I have mentioned before, I have battled with the morality of intimacy and “when the time is right”. Throughout my “formative years”, the practice of waiting until you are married before you had sex had been drilled into my mind because "the Bible says so". The Bible doesn’t say any such thing specifically, but it still left me with the deepest desire to know what God says about it. I can’t sit here and say that I will ever find peace within my spirit concerning this battle. I hope I do. Maybe it’s as simple as honest communication, learning about your love interest before making a commitment to actually be with someone. I also believe that being married doesn’t make you commited. It only makes you married.

What I do know for sure, after taking the time writing this down and making sense of it all, taking time to know someone is always best. Giving your heart the time it needs for it’s foundation to solidify and or have it changed and being brutally honest can save more marriages than I can only imagine. I know it could have helped in my own relationships. My first marriage has given me two wonderful sons that I have never considered a mistake of my mistakes. I have set them both down at some point in their lives and I have talked to them openly about what I feel and believe. I will, no doubt, be making adjustments because of what I learn as I get older. And from the discussions we have had in the past, they do listen. They do remember. Although they will choose to do things their own way and learn on their own time. I just pray they don’t wait until they are old like me and time has slipped away for any chance of doing things right. Yes, I do tend to think too much. I have been accused of over analyzing things. Maybe that’s a habit I need to break and simply be honest with myself and others, even if it hurts.