"I Wonder If She Remembers?"

This girl from a lifetime ago, does she remember? If so, how much? Probably more than I really care to know. Memories of young love never leave you especially if it ended badly. I found her yesterday on Facebook. I so wanted to invite her to my page there. I wanted to talk with her to see how she is, not because I wanted to renew a spark.

I learned all I needed to know from what she revealed on her page. She has a life and it appears to be a very good one. For that I am so grateful. She deserves it! I felt it wise to leave her be. I think the last thing she needed in her life was for an old asshole of a flame to appear out of nowhere and open old wounds. Thirty three years later, I turn and walk away for the last time but not with tears, as before, and no regrets. She is alright and that’s all I really wanted to know. Question now is, am I ok? Yes, I am.

"Does Time Always Heal?"

I happened upon an old friend today. I say an old friend, but I am probably nothing more than piece of shit to her even today and rightfully so. She doesn’t know I saw her and I’m thinking it should stay that way. There are too many wounds that have yet to heal, I’m afraid, for the both of us. If they have healed, there is a shit load of scar tissue that remains after almost thirty three years, at least for me, and I am pretty sure for her as well.

Every word that I have ever written about relationships started with her, but my words were not always about her. Our engagement, our relationship was the beginning of a lifelong learning process for me and at times I still feel so inadequate, so very ignorant, and I am. We didn’t end very well at all. She was the one I wrote about in an earlier journey entry titled “A Walk to Remember”. Yes, she was the one that, well damn, I have no idea what to say now. Seeing her and visualizing her present life in spite of our past history just blows my mind. But it is something I think I understand and I am not surprised. This is something I will definitely have to think about before I say anything more.

"To Do or Not To Do? That Is The Question!"

Do I make any resolutions for the new year or not? I ask myself that every year while knowing that I won’t. But it is fun to speculate. Most times I am caught between several options or directions to go with. In order for me to even think about any resolutions I would have to look back on the previous year/years to maybe see what I lack or whether or not I have accomplished anything worthy. That in itself is disappointing because I am always in a constant state of mind that “there is always room for improvement here”. That’s not to mention a few times when I did make a resolution or two and ended up in total failure. So, I try not to get into that part of any new year’s celebration. Just let me have my fireworks and a clock and I’m happy!

This year, it isn’t any different than any other. I am tempted. But there is a new feeling about this upcoming year that I haven’t had for quite some time so I am still straddling the fence on it making any. I haven’t ruled it out just yet. I want so very much to have my life back in my own possession, in my own hands. I haven’t had that for a long time and I miss it so very much. And what I mean by that is to be able to independent and self sufficient. I want to be able to take care of myself and I have an opportunity to do that for the first time in a very long time.

This is not new to me. Every year this goal has come to me and I have quietly made this resolution for the new year ahead. Nothing different had changed and disappointment was the rule for the year. I am praying that is far from the norm this time. So, with all this being said, I think I will make at least one New Year’s Resolution (everything crossed; eyes, fingers, toes, arms, legs, and what few hairs I have left) I want to get my book published. I’m not sure how I will get this done, though. I have looked online for how it’s done and I was very surprised at all that is involved in doing so, especially for first time writers like myself. Hell, I’m not even sure if it would even sell. It’s something that I will have to think on very carefully as time passes and very methodically to get it done. It’s my heart’s desire! What more can I say?

"I Wanted To Be A Somebody"

Have you ever wanted to be someone very special; someone that travels the world spreading joy through your talents; living someone else’s dreams? The best part of it all is that you worked your ass off to get to where you are. I mean really worked your ass off. Nothing was given to you on a silver platter. Oh wait, there are a lot of other best parts, like another one would be that you actually love with all your heart what it is you do and it is no longer a work issue. You have fun living this dream. Your work has become your play. Not many of us can say that about our own lives. Or can they?


The young at heart, those years between becoming a boy into a man or a girl into a woman, these years are so full of powerful emotions and mountainous questions. The main focus is spreading your wings to follow your dreams, whatever they may be. Sometimes I think these are the most critical years of anyone’s life. It’s truly the crossroads of life with many directions we may decide on. It’s a smörgåsbord of adventure right in front of us. It’s an exciting time to live! So, why not live?

Last thing I want to mention is the burning of bridges. These decisions can be fruitless if not thought through. Let me throw an ideal at you. The bridges we NEED to burn, we won’t have to. They will have already been burned by whoever it is we may be running from. Yes, I said running from. The rest of these bridges we cross daily….Keep them. You may need them someday.

Young or not so young, go and follow your dreams with vigor and passion! Be mindful. Be patient. Find balance. Never forget that you are a somebody. The world just doesn’t know it yet!

Memoirs of a Geisha Soundtrack-06 Becoming a Geisha

"In Closing"

It’s been five long years, today, of repeated beginnings. I find it amazing how one’s life can change in an instant and without warning. As I look back to that day, I can see the changes I have made and how I have changed. But I also see that I haven’t changed in many ways. Which brings me to the point of asking myself have I really changed at all?

My journey isn’t over by any means. It has only just begun. I have many new discoveries to make, many new roads to travel, and many new directions to ponder. Will I choose the right road? Not all the time, I am sure of that. If I have learned anything at all from the last five years it’s that we don’t always make good choices and we live with these choices, regrettably sometimes. But that’s life.

I have had one relationship in the last five years and it was the worst I had ever been in. It had brought out the worst in me. I never knew I could be so hateful towards anyone and it was an eye opening experience. No, I didn’t act on those hateful thoughts but they were there and that was more than I could handle. Was it all her fault? No, it wasn’t, but it wasn’t all me either. This is another lesson I have learned over the last few years and that’s not to take credit for something you didn’t do but most importantly, NEVER allow yourself to take the blame for something you didn’t do. If you are innocent, fight to keep that innocence and to the death, if need be.

To be falsely accused of something can drive you insane but nothing like accepting that accusation as a part of a life lesson. That in itself is insanity. It will haunt you for the rest of your natural life, robbing you of peace of mind. Have you ever been in a crowd of people, usually known, and someone says, “My wallet is missing!” or something to that effect? Knowing in your heart you had nothing to do with its disappearing but yet you feel guilty and you hope to God that you aren’t asked about it. You sit quietly in silent prayer and hope that no one would think you would do such a terrible act as to take something that isn’t yours. Multiply those emotions a thousand times. That’s what it feels like to actually be falsely accused and multiplying those emotions another thousand times is what it feels like to just let it ride. By God, fight for yourself! You will never regret it, I promise you!

I know that a lot of this book seems like it has nothing to do with what I speak of now. It does, though, all of it, every single word. It’s what has been going on inside my head and my heart throughout all this time. It shows a lot of the mental anguish, stress and how I have chosen to deal with it all. It reveals many a shattered dreams as well as hopes for tomorrow. But I hope, more than anything, it shows a little bit of faith and patience. Those two things I have kept within my soul for all of my life.

God only knows my future. He has given us all the most beautiful gift, the most impressive expression of His love and that is the freedom of choice. I love that about Him! I will make choices, some good, and some bad. I will live through them all, hopefully. I will constantly be reminded of this day when I am faced with a choice to make. I pray I make the right one. My living depends on it. Take care and God bless!

"It's A Step Up!"

It’s December 22, 2010. Tomorrow would be five years to the day that my life changed. I wanted to wait to write about it but I couldn’t. I’m too excited. Maybe this is a day of release from all that has happened since. I think about that day, five years ago, almost every day but through it all I have learned a lot about myself. I have also gotten validation for a few things I wasn’t quite sure of.

I had one goal in mind and it was a pretty broad goal. It was ‘all inclusive’ shall we say. Building a new life was that goal and I was three months into it when it all went to shit in a matter of only a few minutes. I won’t go into details because this isn’t what it’s all about now. It’s all about a new door that has opened and as hard as I have tried not to enter, that door still remains open. I am stepping through that door. Dallas, you may have won a couple of battles but you have yet to win the damn war!

All this time that I have focused on that door, I kept asking myself, “Do I actually deserve this? Am I supposed to be grateful?” Today, actually only a few minutes ago, I had an epiphany. I was on my way to the store for smokes and while driving, I was thinking about this door, this new job and it hit me! “It’s a step up!”

Grateful indeed! There are many other little things and a few other huge things that I am grateful for. But I am so very thankful for the people that had their part in my ‘recovery’. I know that I couldn’t have made it this far without them. If we have met somehow, you are included. We should never take for granted anyone because even the tiniest parts add up to one remarkable result.

"The Full Monty"

Most everyone has either heard of or has seen the British comedy film. The title is British slang for ‘the whole hog” or “the whole lot”, meaning nothing is left to the imagination. That’s what I try to do in my writing. I will use colorful language at times, not necessarily because it sounds tough or manly. My writing reflects how I feel at any given moment about any given subject and my intensions are not to offend anyone at all. It’s just that sometimes one has to say or do the unthinkable in order to get their point across.

All of my writings have dealt with relationships, whether it is God, friends, lovers, family or people in general because that’s what we do. We interact with one another and many times we aren’t aware of who we affect by what we say or do. It’s just how we roll. So, as you read, keep this in mind...I write because it gives me peace of mind and sometimes a little bit of clarity. I won’t always make sense. But fair warning, you will always get ‘the full monty’.

"These Little Discoveries"

For as far back as I can remember my existence, my life, has been embodied by discovery. I think I can safely say that is true for us all. Every little discovery is born of a sense of touch, see, hear, smell, taste, or any combination of the five. The more we discover the more we learn. The more we learn the more we change, or evolve, depending on your own point of view. But in essence, we change.

Nothing can be more exciting than a discovery of some kind. These little discoveries can also leave us with more questions than answers. I think that is part of the excitement, and more often than not, we wonder why we haven’t discovered this sooner. That is the other part of the excitement.

One of the most amazing things about discovery is we can look back in time and be enlightened so it isn’t always the steps forward. Just be mindful of the ‘Oh Fuck! I didn’t know that!’ ones. At any given moment we can make discoveries from any given moment. Those are nice but what about the ones that have yet to reveal themselves, those never experienced? My mind becomes more activated, my senses become, well, more sensitive to every little detail and I want to learn all I can before the euphoria fades, and it does until the next time. You have to appreciate and love these little discoveries!

Tears for Fears - Woman in Chains (live)

Loreena McKennitt - The Old Ways HD

"The Disappointing Satisfaction"

The years pass by. The memories remain strong and true, every single one. Never forgotten are the little things that can be so life changing; the first kiss, the holding of hands, the small conversations, and the many challenges faced. Seldom do these memories flood the mind all at once. They usually come back in much the same way they were made, one moment at a time.

The broken promises, the lies told, the unbearable guilt, the devastating shame, the laughter, the building of lives together, the joys shared, the love that was so young and strong, the ignorance of it all; these attributes of our soul have the ability to mold us if we allow ourselves to become malleable. Some do not afford themselves that malleability. They would rather become hard hearted toward the past and for some, that may be the best thing for them to do. It’s a very personal decision. It can be a very difficult decision.

One is left wondering what is to be regrettable because everything that we have gone through has lead up to where we are, to who we have become. Sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn’t. But have we changed? Do we reflect back and realize how things have changed? Are we disappointed or are we satisfied? Why can’t we be both?

As time moves on it runs out. We begin to see the past with an uncanny clarity, and one of life’s most difficult tasks is to keep the past, present, and future in balance. We attempt to pass on our new found wisdom to those we love and are willing recipients. I suppose that has been one way that I have dealt with my own sins and that has not been such a bad thing, provided I actually learned something of value from them all.

All of my regrets are just that, regrettable. But that doesn’t make them any less valuable. Do I wish to rewind and maybe make better choices? Yes, sure I do. But life doesn’t allow that dream to ring true. I am left with nothing but a step forward into the future, placing these memories on the shelf just within reach of my heart. If by chance those forward steps lead me back in time, I can reach for those certain memories that pertain to those certain moments and think, “I have been here before so what can I do to make it better, this time?”

FLEETWOOD MAC Why

Casting Crowns - Slow Fade (2009 GOSPEL MUSIC AWARD WINNER!)

"The Bottom Line"

Thanksgiving and Christmas, you can’t have one without the other. They are synonymous with one thing, the realization of what one really has to be grateful for, and I speak of from which all blessings flow. That could be from one single spiritual entity or from many, from others folks, from your own doing, or all of the aforementioned. I will leave that up to you as to how you wish to perceive. I can only speak of and from my own perspective.

I have been having difficulties with my faith the last few weeks, months, years. As time has gone by my gratefulness has been overshadowed by my own lack of gratitude. This revelation doesn’t really change how I feel in general. It just doesn’t. This ongoing uncertainty has been going on way too long. But even though situations may not change for the better as we hope for, we should always leave room for what really matters. Surprising to me is that I still have room for just that.

The people closest to me right now, my family, we all have a roof over our heads, we all have a bed to sleep in, and we all have food in the cabinets or pantries. Yeah, a Christmas of any size would be so wonderful but life can be that way at times. I have other family and a few very close friends. I am grateful that they can have a Christmas that they can enjoy and remember for years to come. Each one has made my Christmas just exactly that and I am grateful for each one, very much. That is the bottom line!

"I Am Beginning To Wonder"

I am beginning to wonder if things will ever improve for me. All I want to do at the moment is bitch slap God and ask Him what it is He is waiting for? Deep down I know that isn’t the right thing to do. But my patience is wearing very thin. I have humbled myself. I have swallowed my pride. I have prayed. I have submitted resume after resume, application after application, with no results whatsoever. What more can I do? I have done everything I know to do.

I have been waiting for the congress and senate to pass the unemployment extension bill for days and now that they have, I find out that I am not eligible. I have been on unemployment too long to qualify. I am doing something that isn’t working. I wish I knew what it was

"The Christmas Truce"

An amazing event took place during World War I in December of 1914 in the freezing rain and mud-soaked trenches that flanked the Western Front along the borders of Belgium and France. What began with a row of lighted evergreen trees placed by German soldiers on the parapets of their fortifications culminated in a spontaneous Christmas truce of a magnitude and duration unmatched in the history of warfare. British, French, Belgian, and German troops put down their arms and ventured out into “No Man's Land” to bury their dead, exchange gifts of food, drink, cigars, and souvenirs, share letters and photographs, sing carols, and play soccer. (By Mary Snook-Summit Daily News)

I am always amazed at the story of the "Christmas Truce" no matter who has written about it. It's an inspiring story, in my opinion, matched by no other. Short stories, books, documentary films, movies and even music videos have dipicted this unforgettable event. I was reading yesterday about this and learned there were a couple of German soldiers that had lived through this time of war well past the century mark, 107 and 109. I can only imagine the story they shared in their long life, the memory they had of this time. It tells me that the good of mankind do not wish to go to war. Deep in the hearts of these soldiers was a yearning for peace but more than just a yearning. They brought peace for themselves, if only for a few days.

This is what Christmas is all about. It's peace on earth and good will towards all. It's what we all want. Christmas should be everyday.

"It's Too Early to Tell"

It’s about 6:10 am on a chilly Tuesday morning. It was a very short night of sleep especially after waking up one other time for a pit stop. I’m not sure what time that was then. This is a little out of the ordinary for me. I usually sleep between 7 and 8 hours every night. I’m just not sure what to think. All I know is what’s on my mind when I lay down for the night and when I awaken in the morning. It’s the same thing every single day.

One question always crosses my mind at the beginning and ending of my days and that’s why? Why have I not been able to make any sort of progress in my life the last five years? I know the last few weeks I really haven’t given a rat’s ass about progress but what about all that other times when I did give a shit? It is mornings like this that I really reflect and dig deep into my spirit for the answer. It never seems to come or I am totally afraid of what comes to mind; the answers that I have conjured up on my own.

Progress, what is that? I think about my life in general. I think about the last few years and I wonder why I haven’t been able to find work even if it isn’t “meaningful and interesting”. I think about my own independence and why I can’t seem to have it. I think about my life prior to five years ago when everything changed (although I know some changes I caused by my own stupidity). I wonder where I went so terribly wrong. I think about love and why I keep turning my back on it. I wonder why it seems that God has turned His back on me.

I can’t help but think as you have been reading all of this, you have wondered if there is anything different that would hold your interest any longer, causing you to lay this book down to never finish it, because it’s the “same old shit different day”. Is there a point to my writing all of this down? I don’t really know right now. I really don’t. All I know to say is bare with me. At the moment, I don’t feel so good.

"So Tell Me"

Hey how you doin?

I been betta and you?

So tell me while I’m here

Why you so blue?

I was a bad boy

And my baby said goodbye

My baby, she gone and left me

I’m denyin a reason why

I did somethin I wasn’t sposed to

I broke my baby’s heart

I was with another woman

Now our lives are torn apart

There’s nothin I can do

To make this go away

There’s nothing in this world

That could make her want to stay

So how you doin?

I been betta and you?

So tell me while I’m here

Why you so blue?

I was a bad girl

And my baby said goodbye

My baby, he’s gone and left me

I’m denyin a reason why

I did somethin I wasn’t sposed to

I broke my baby’s heart

I was with another man

Now our lives are torn apart

There’s nothin I can do

To make this go away

There’s nothing in this world

That could make him want to stay

So tell me so tell me

Is there nothing I can say?

So tell me so tell me

How can I help you stay?

So tell me so tell me

Can we go dancing in the rain?

So tell me so tell me

Promise we’ll never do that again

© 2010 Robby J. Ward, Sr.

"The Least Tangible Is Most Valuable"

WOW! I think I will need to give this one some thought before I finalize it.

Last night as I lay down to sleep, I said a prayer, which I haven’t done in a very long time. Hell, I had given up on God because I have felt he had given up on me. I told Him that in my prayer. I told Him I have been wondering why for five long years of why my life had changed so drastically. I was on a path that I needed to be on, wanting to be on. I wasn’t drinking or using drugs. I was going to work every single day and I was doing my job and very well, I might add. I had no ulterior motives for my life. I was just living it and I was happy with the way things were.

It all changed in a matter of minutes and I have been wondering why ever since. I asked God last night, again, why? Of course I never got an answer. I’m not that surprised about that. I feel He has been ignoring me far too long to think that would change. I will continue asking why. I will never cease until I get an answer. I strongly feel I deserve one. I can’t help but feel in my heart that the answer I seek is the least tangible, so I wait patiently. My answer has to be very valuable.