"It's Too Early to Tell"

It’s about 6:10 am on a chilly Tuesday morning. It was a very short night of sleep especially after waking up one other time for a pit stop. I’m not sure what time that was then. This is a little out of the ordinary for me. I usually sleep between 7 and 8 hours every night. I’m just not sure what to think. All I know is what’s on my mind when I lay down for the night and when I awaken in the morning. It’s the same thing every single day.

One question always crosses my mind at the beginning and ending of my days and that’s why? Why have I not been able to make any sort of progress in my life the last five years? I know the last few weeks I really haven’t given a rat’s ass about progress but what about all that other times when I did give a shit? It is mornings like this that I really reflect and dig deep into my spirit for the answer. It never seems to come or I am totally afraid of what comes to mind; the answers that I have conjured up on my own.

Progress, what is that? I think about my life in general. I think about the last few years and I wonder why I haven’t been able to find work even if it isn’t “meaningful and interesting”. I think about my own independence and why I can’t seem to have it. I think about my life prior to five years ago when everything changed (although I know some changes I caused by my own stupidity). I wonder where I went so terribly wrong. I think about love and why I keep turning my back on it. I wonder why it seems that God has turned His back on me.

I can’t help but think as you have been reading all of this, you have wondered if there is anything different that would hold your interest any longer, causing you to lay this book down to never finish it, because it’s the “same old shit different day”. Is there a point to my writing all of this down? I don’t really know right now. I really don’t. All I know to say is bare with me. At the moment, I don’t feel so good.