"The Disappointing Satisfaction"

The years pass by. The memories remain strong and true, every single one. Never forgotten are the little things that can be so life changing; the first kiss, the holding of hands, the small conversations, and the many challenges faced. Seldom do these memories flood the mind all at once. They usually come back in much the same way they were made, one moment at a time.

The broken promises, the lies told, the unbearable guilt, the devastating shame, the laughter, the building of lives together, the joys shared, the love that was so young and strong, the ignorance of it all; these attributes of our soul have the ability to mold us if we allow ourselves to become malleable. Some do not afford themselves that malleability. They would rather become hard hearted toward the past and for some, that may be the best thing for them to do. It’s a very personal decision. It can be a very difficult decision.

One is left wondering what is to be regrettable because everything that we have gone through has lead up to where we are, to who we have become. Sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn’t. But have we changed? Do we reflect back and realize how things have changed? Are we disappointed or are we satisfied? Why can’t we be both?

As time moves on it runs out. We begin to see the past with an uncanny clarity, and one of life’s most difficult tasks is to keep the past, present, and future in balance. We attempt to pass on our new found wisdom to those we love and are willing recipients. I suppose that has been one way that I have dealt with my own sins and that has not been such a bad thing, provided I actually learned something of value from them all.

All of my regrets are just that, regrettable. But that doesn’t make them any less valuable. Do I wish to rewind and maybe make better choices? Yes, sure I do. But life doesn’t allow that dream to ring true. I am left with nothing but a step forward into the future, placing these memories on the shelf just within reach of my heart. If by chance those forward steps lead me back in time, I can reach for those certain memories that pertain to those certain moments and think, “I have been here before so what can I do to make it better, this time?”