"In Closing"

It’s been five long years, today, of repeated beginnings. I find it amazing how one’s life can change in an instant and without warning. As I look back to that day, I can see the changes I have made and how I have changed. But I also see that I haven’t changed in many ways. Which brings me to the point of asking myself have I really changed at all?

My journey isn’t over by any means. It has only just begun. I have many new discoveries to make, many new roads to travel, and many new directions to ponder. Will I choose the right road? Not all the time, I am sure of that. If I have learned anything at all from the last five years it’s that we don’t always make good choices and we live with these choices, regrettably sometimes. But that’s life.

I have had one relationship in the last five years and it was the worst I had ever been in. It had brought out the worst in me. I never knew I could be so hateful towards anyone and it was an eye opening experience. No, I didn’t act on those hateful thoughts but they were there and that was more than I could handle. Was it all her fault? No, it wasn’t, but it wasn’t all me either. This is another lesson I have learned over the last few years and that’s not to take credit for something you didn’t do but most importantly, NEVER allow yourself to take the blame for something you didn’t do. If you are innocent, fight to keep that innocence and to the death, if need be.

To be falsely accused of something can drive you insane but nothing like accepting that accusation as a part of a life lesson. That in itself is insanity. It will haunt you for the rest of your natural life, robbing you of peace of mind. Have you ever been in a crowd of people, usually known, and someone says, “My wallet is missing!” or something to that effect? Knowing in your heart you had nothing to do with its disappearing but yet you feel guilty and you hope to God that you aren’t asked about it. You sit quietly in silent prayer and hope that no one would think you would do such a terrible act as to take something that isn’t yours. Multiply those emotions a thousand times. That’s what it feels like to actually be falsely accused and multiplying those emotions another thousand times is what it feels like to just let it ride. By God, fight for yourself! You will never regret it, I promise you!

I know that a lot of this book seems like it has nothing to do with what I speak of now. It does, though, all of it, every single word. It’s what has been going on inside my head and my heart throughout all this time. It shows a lot of the mental anguish, stress and how I have chosen to deal with it all. It reveals many a shattered dreams as well as hopes for tomorrow. But I hope, more than anything, it shows a little bit of faith and patience. Those two things I have kept within my soul for all of my life.

God only knows my future. He has given us all the most beautiful gift, the most impressive expression of His love and that is the freedom of choice. I love that about Him! I will make choices, some good, and some bad. I will live through them all, hopefully. I will constantly be reminded of this day when I am faced with a choice to make. I pray I make the right one. My living depends on it. Take care and God bless!