"Suicidal"

I understand that this is a rather morbid subject to have on my mind tonight, but that’s just how my mind works. It’s a troublesome and heart wrenching subject and it’s not for everyone to read about. But what causes me to have it on my mind is a song that I have known of for over twenty years now. The title of the song is “For Annie”, performed by Petra. It’s about the suicide of a girl, but you would have to listen to the song to really get the story and context of its meaning. It’s in the contemporary gospel genre of music. I love the group and their music but this particular song really bothers me. Allow me to explain why. But first, let allow me to say that I, in no way shape or form, condone nor think that suicide is an answer to any problems one may have and that we all should look for the signs in hopes of stopping such a tragedy to happen.

The purpose of the song is to get the word out that suicide does happen and that there is something we could say or do to prevent it from happening. But, what I have a problem with is that it focuses too much on Jesus and his love for human kind and that he cares. There’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself. I am a born again Christian. But I think the song takes away the real issue and you can hear that in the lyrics. “Momma has her meetings. Daddy has his job.” In other words, the parents were so wrapped up in their own lives and left no time for “Annie”. That is what bothers me most. The chorus goes like this, “You’ve got to her Jesus loves her, Jesus really cares.” It seems to me the parents should be telling “Annie” that they love her and that they care.

It tells a story that “Annie” may have died and gone to hell because no one told her of Jesus Christ. I simply can’t accept that. I can’t help but wonder and feel that “Annie” already knew of His love and she knew that He cared and that is the reason she did what she did, to be with someone who does love her and does care, because she felt her parents didn’t.

I really have issues with those who pretend to know the hearts of others, even those closest to them, especially when religion or spirituality comes into play. The heart is something that only God knows and no one should be so arrogant to think otherwise.

I don’t pretend that I am the perfect parent. But I do thank God that both of my children do have their place at the dinner table with Jesus Christ. I don’t take credit for this. But I know in my heart that showing them and telling them that I loved them every day and every chance I had, give them the direction they needed to seek Gods only begotten Son. They are my children but that certainly does not give me the right to say what’s in their heart and what they believe to be true for themselves.

Who really knows the heart of a person who has decided to end their own life? Yes, they sometimes leave messages but they very rarely reveal the true heart of that person, not the deepest parts where only God knows. Truth be known, there will more than likely be more do-badders in heaven than do-gooders. My point is who is to really say?

I know of two family friends who have actually ended their own life. First it was the Father, a widower, and a few months later, it was his own son. There is no way on God’s green earth I am going to set here and say that these two are going to hell because of what they did. It’s not my place nor is it anyone else’s. Judging others is something that we should not do. We can never know the true heart. What goes on between God and every individual is very sacred and very private and most of us keep it that way for a reason.

Suicide is not a good thing. But assuming what’s in the heart of others is just as bad..

Billy Joel - Keeping The Faith

"The Most Difficult Thing"

Here lately, I have had the most difficult time dealing with issues of family and how that relationship should be. You would think that family members are the ones you could depend on in times of difficulty and hardship and for the most part, that’s true. But they can also be the ones you can’t depend on. It can be like “I scratch your back, you stab mine”.

It’s not the first time this has happened to me, though. Several times I have been screwed in some way by a family member and it’s a very painful thing and you are left thinking, WTF? I wish I knew the answers as to why this sort of thing happens but I don’t. My guess is that they will automatically assume that they will be forgiven for their transgressions against you, or they really don’t give a shit about you. It’s a selfish and arrogant thing either way you look at it. The truth is, you normally forgive them in time and move on. But that still doesn’t make it easier to experience or accept.

I love my family with all of my heart no matter what. I can’t live my life dwelling on what they may say or do to me that hurts. All I know to do is to forgive and in time, forget. Maybe I am naïve in thinking that they will learn from what has been done and not do it again. I know I couldn’t and never have been able to live with myself knowing I have done something towards or used a family member in any way. If I borrow, I give or pay it back and I am honest in letting one know exactly when they can expect pay back. It’s a matter of treating others the way you wish to be treated. You may not always be treated likewise but it’s good for the spirit knowing you have done it yourself and that’s what really matters.

"Friendship"

This word has or should have meaning. And probably, it has different meaning and depth to each of us. Some people confuse acquaintances with friends. Some folks have a great many friends and that is all well and good. And some have only a handful of friends and I can reasonably say that is true of just about everyone. We all have ‘buddies’. But do we all have true friends? I certainly hope so.

Personally, I have quite a few acquaintances and only a handful of true friends. I have even less than a handful of best friends, those wonderful folks I can be my true self with and not have shame. In fact, I can safely say that I have had only three or four best friends. One I haven’t seen in over thirty five years. He was my best friend at that time of my life. He was my running buddy. He was my roommate. I could be myself and laugh at myself with him.

I have only about three who I can truly say are my best friends in this time of my life. One has been my best friend for over twenty years now. Another has been my best friend for almost six years. We still get together and shoot the shit, talk about one another’s problem of the day. I have met one here a few months ago who is destined to be one of my closest friends. They all have one thing in common. I fell in love with all of them in the beginning and I even married one of them, twice. But I have learned to nurture our friendships and make them last until I take my last breath. It takes, above all else, honesty and trust. It takes patience and it takes a willingness to look in a mirror every once in a while and realize that you can only judge yourself. It is an endless acceptance of whom they are and who you are. It takes love at the highest level for them and yourself.

I love each of my best friends equally yet differently, and that’s because they are different in their own right. They accept me for who I am in spite of knowing all there is to know about me. They understand me probably better than I understand myself.

"This Song In My Heart"

I woke up this am and the second thought or thing that came into my mind was a song. I can’t even remember what my first thought was so it wasn’t as near as important as this song and I have been awake now for almost forty minutes and it’s still there. I was raised as a child in the Christian faith. My Mom, being a single parent, would wake us younger kids up every Sunday morning and take us to church. I say single parent because it does have relevance here. God was all she knew that she could depend on in helping to take care of the ten children she had at that time. It has been the same for me a great many times in my own life, as well.

This is something I really don’t talk about much, my spirituality, but I do try to live my life as a good Christian. I remember accepting Jesus Christ as a child. I think I was about nine years old but I remember it like it was yesterday. Yeah, I know and understand that nine years old is a little young and understanding what one does at that age, especially giving your heart to God, can be misunderstood. Looking back, it is only a childlike faith, which is something I haven’t had in a long while now.

With all that is going on in my life, I have really needed something to hold on to. My faith has been challenged to the core and it has wavered somewhat, so when I was given this song this morning, I was taken back a bit and I wondered, “God, could this be You giving me some hope?” Well, of course it is! “It is no secret what God can do. What He’s done for others, He can do for you.” That is the song, the lyrics that is running through my mind and, hopefully, enveloping my heart.

I once had a conversation with a pastor I had met while living in the Dallas area. He and I had met on occasion to chat about what was going on in my heart and my mind. He just seemed like someone I could actually trust and put everything out there on the table without ‘preaching’ to me, and he was that type of a pastor, a friend he was indeed. The last time we talked, I had told him of my issues of organized religion and of how I didn’t depend on God for the things I could do for myself. I have a mind that is mostly clear and a body that is pretty healthy for my age and I could do most anything I set my mind to do and I have always believed that this was a gift from God, so I used it to the best of my ability. I guess what I mean by all this is I very rarely asked God for something I already had. He suggested I begin to depend on God for even the littlest of things, mainly to not allow myself to forget where my gift had come from and to let God know that He is still being acknowledged for all I have been given.

Did I take it to heart what this wonderful man had told me? Not really. I let my pride take first place because I just couldn’t bring myself to think that I couldn’t do anything without God’s help. I usually waited until I would be confronted with something that was much bigger than I or something I had no control over.

Even through all this time that has gone by and through my denying God His credits, He is still with me. I am so thankful for this and I believe with all my heart that God knows this. With a tear in my eye I humbly recognize where my strength lies and that I can’t do it all without God’s help. For the moment, He is all I have.

"My Sunrise and Sunsets"

My sunrises are special to me in many ways. First, it's a brand new day for me; one I have never lived before. Second, It would mean that I have awakened next to you after a peaceful nights rest, in your arms, and sometimes resting in your arms after the sweetest lovemaking I have ever known. It's our time, our quiet time together, except for the sounds of lovers in love. The whispers of "I love you" in one anothers ears, before, during , and after is pretty much all we hear. It's the time we share that on one can take away nor should be shared even with our closest friends. It's our private time.

My sunsets are just as special when shared with you, the one I love without shame or boundaries...it's an unlimited love. It means I or we have put in our days work to provide the needs of the day and a few wants along the way. To lie with you along a beach and watch the sunset over the horizon is an absolutely beautiful dream for me and to make love while this miracle we take for granted happens...WOW! Or to sit together on a patio high above the valley below and watch the sun set over the mountains or rolling hills, drinking what ever we choose to have, diet pepsi or coffee. We would quietly chat about the day and plan for the morrow. The colors in the partly clouded sky would have vibrant oranges and yellows with a little fiery reds in between. We might even get out the sleeping bag made for two and cuddle and well,,,make love with each other.

They are both special in their own way for they have meaning to our life together; together being the key word. I miss you!

"If you wanted me to write about one thing, what would that one thing be?"

I want to thank you all for your response to my question. I have gotten some very interesting ideas and thoughts from each of you and I have touched on a few of them in times past. Now, I have to figure out how I am to give each of you some consideration. I will, however, answer one of those questions here about something I am very passionate about and that’s about what our troops are fighting for and the hardships they face and being away from loved ones.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure what it is they are fighting for. I don’t even think our soldiers know what it is they are fighting for, except what they are being told; for our country and our freedom. That’s a given. September 11, 2001 was, in my opinion, an excuse to go to war, period. There are so many variables that happened that day and in the time leading up to that day, that just didn’t add up or make sense. All kinds of bullshit stories and explanations come out of the woodwork that day and to this day there are many unanswered questions. I make no apologies for what I am about to say but I think that the then current administration knew it was going to happen a long time in advance and there was a shit load of money to be made in allowing it to happen. It would not surprise me one bit to find out it was all master minded by that administration. I never trusted GW Bush then and I certainly don’t now. In my mind, he is an evil spirited man.

Now to our troops, they have always fought for our freedom and our country. They go off to foreign places with the thought of never returning alive to be with the ones they leave behind. They live moment to moment, some praying, others hoping they are the lucky ones to get to go home. Others do go home, but their quality of life is so battered from war that it takes somewhat of a miracle to allow them any kind of joy. I was a soldier. Although I never had to go and see actual combat and the thought of that was always in the back of my mind. I take my hat off to the young men and women who volunteer their services for me and all of us. I am also very proud of our citizens here at home for the support they are giving our troops now as opposed to what it was for the Viet Nam Era soldier. I remember one day, my son and I were strolling through a mall in North Carolina where he was stationed. He was in uniform at the time and two very young ladies, about 8-10 years of age, come up from behind and tugged at his uniform. We turned and they said to him, “We just wanted to thank you for what you are doing for us.” That touched my heart as well as his at the deepest level.

Our soldiers could very well be fighting for something worth fighting for, even if only for human rights that seem to be lacking in that region of our world, and even our own. Who really knows for sure why? I do want our troops to come home and very soon. I know their families want them home very soon. God bless our soldiers and their families for they all are sacrificing a great deal and then some, even their all. I have many deep seated opinions about this war and for the moment I will keep them to myself. I won’t nor can I say they are there for no good reason. But the soldier’s heart is about the ones they love, the ones they leave behind and the hopes of answered prayers of returning home again. I pray they do!

I will answer more as time goes by. I just wanted to write about this because it touches me on a very personal level. My son was in the army. I was in the air force and four of my five brothers were in the military. It’s an honor and a privilege to serve in such a capacity. Never take our soldiers for granted no matter the reason they serve. In fact…the next time you see one, give them a hug or shake their hand and give them the thanks they truly deserve.

"A Hot Ass Mess"

Have you ever heard those words before; hot ass mess? I have heard it only a few times but what is interesting is that the context in which it was used varied somewhat. I’m sure you can imagine the context you would use these words in. I can take those words and go from a-z in as little as nothing flat; complete opposites; in describing my adult life. Sometimes my life is in total shambles and nothing is going right and it goes as deep as my heart. Allow me to rephrase that last part…and it all comes from my heart. At other times, my life couldn’t be better, running like a well oiled machine and my heart is in tune with what really matters. I feel happy and good and I love my life…and it all comes from my heart.

In my present state, I guess I could place myself about a quarter ways from the bottom end of that curve and I am working my way upwards. It really doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked on your ass. What matters is how many times you keep getting up. Yeah, I know it is cliché’ but true nonetheless. As I write this, I am very consciously thinking of many things I could do or change that would only help me in my upward climb. Nothing speaks to you like your heart does, if you have a listen and I am speaking for myself and no one else. I do say that I am somewhat of a hot ass mess.

To not get back up is not in my mind, my vocabulary, or my heart. I simply can’t give it up. This thing called life is happening and I have no desire to just sit and waste away. I won’t say that I have never been opposite and I really didn’t give a shit whether life went on or not. I wanted rest for my spirit and my soul. I was exhausted. I could take a good look in the mirror and I could see my heart and my state of mind; a hot ass mess from one end to the other, and knowing what I really needed to do to get things done; to turn things around. That voice, your own voice, talks to you and lets you know what’s wrong and what you can do to fix it. That voice also tells you when things are so right. How cool is that?

"How Do You Know?"

A friend asked me today, “How do you know when it is lust or love that you are feeling about someone?” WOW! It’s an extremely interesting question and one I have asked myself on rare occasions, but never really give it much thought, until now. I will try my best to answer her question from my perspective.

More often than not, lust arises above the horizon first, knowing that the eyes are the initial impression maker. We usually see before anything else and the messages we receive are interpreted in our minds. Thoughts ranging from, “Wow! Nice asset!” to “I would sure like to tap that”, creep into our minds. It’s pretty much human nature to have such thoughts about someone, but I must add that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Lust is usually temporary until the next eye candy strolls by or even the last one come by again. It’s a thought of an action.

Love is different in that it is more opposite of lust than most may think, yet similar in a lot of ways. Love at first sight is possible but love usually takes time to gestate, if you will. It grows as we learn of each other but it can also wither for the same reason. Love is an emotion that comes from the heart, whereas, lust comes from the mind. At this point, I dare say you can definitely have both in a healthy relationship, and I find absolutely nothing wrong in that.

Lust can be fleeting when love can make your world go ‘round. What has gotten me into trouble is denying what I already knew to be the difference between the two. So with all this being said, the bottom line is I know what I want in a relationship and that in itself allows me to know when it is lust or love.

"I Still Believe"

In retrospect, I absolutely want to write in between the lines concerning my previous posting. Truly, I can feel my body changing. Age is surely taking its toll on just about every organ and tissue, and every once a blue moon I feel those changes, literally. And I do wonder a lot lately about how much my sexual ability has deteriorated over the last few years.

But, and you should know me by now, I also think about how much my attitude and how I feel in my heart would counteract my physical shortcomings. The thing is, I still believe in true love. Yes, true love! Maybe, I’m a dreamer. I honestly don’t know for sure. But what I do know is that all my life I have always asked myself, “How can I make it better?” I’m not just talking love. I have asked myself that about most everything, even people. WOW! Sounds a little bit arrogant, doesn’t it? All I can say is the human race is an arrogant species. Ok, I am getting off track here.

I can’t help but know in my heart of hearts that true love exists, somewhere, somehow, between two people. I just know it. And I want it! I want it so much I can taste it, feel it, smell it, hear it, and see it in my mind’s eye. But what really gets me excited is that I want to share what I know and feel, and hoping one day that it will happen. Whether it does, remains to be seen.

Most everyone knows how love makes you feel when it is new, fresh off the vine, even the very moments before and after your first kiss. It’s much like an orgasm in many ways, leaving you warm all over. How can you maintain those emotions through time? That’s what it’s all about for me, making it better. I believe with all my heart, for myself, in that having a love for someone that harbors no shame is how those emotions are kept alive through the years.

Knowing deep inside that you have done everything your heart has led you to do will cause passions to rise in spite of age. It all begins with honesty. Opposites, indeed, may very well attract, but the hearts of two people must come together, first, in this magnetic field, defying the law of physics in that they are of the same polarity. You must also know your own heart. You must be honest with yourself.

Maybe I am a dreamer. But that’s ok with me. Sometimes my dreams are all I have for motivation. I do wonder that if God does grant me this lifelong heart’s desire, especially this late in my life, will my heart overrule my broken down body in expressing my unending love for the woman He has chosen for me. I can’t help believing that it will. I know you’re out there somewhere. I want to take it to the limit!

'What I Would Give To Be Able To Live"

It’s a muggy and warm Saturday morning and the sun is about to make its appearance for the day. After a long night at work, I come home to unwind and find it’s easier said than done. I hear the clock on the dining room wall ticking away the seconds as I write this, louder than usual, because all is so quiet except for my mind. Most of the night was spent on the computer checking e-mails and some socializing with a long time friend. For hours I spend going back and forth from page to page, account to account, watching, hoping for life to appear. Once my friend has retired for the evening, no one seems to be awake but me. That’s my loneliest time; the time when I am by myself, left to think. I try to sleep around five am but I have no success. All I can think about is my loneliness.

This is pretty much my routine over the weekends. During the week, I am so exhausted from work, I find it easy to do what I have done tonight, but in a much shorter time span and then I am off to the land of nod between two and three hours of coming home. Right now, I am wondering how I have gotten into this place; this lonely place. I wonder what it was, the price I paid for it. I know without a doubt it was much too high a price for the return I have gotten.

I think to myself that time is running out. I am getting older by the minute and my body isn’t working like it used to. Yeah, me, the great “Don Juan”, having to admit that he can’t cut the mustard or even churn the butter. I often wonder if I could even make love with a woman without medicinal aids. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I could with them. I have always been told that as long as the desire is there, then there will be no problem. Pfffft…at the moment, I happen to think that it’s all bullshit, but it would certainly be nice to know for sure.

Maybe they were right. Maybe I am right. Maybe the love of this beautiful woman that I can’t stop thinking about is all I need to feel like a man again, at least sexually. I have come to believe that kissing on the first date would deprive me of an anticipation so wonderful and for the most part, I still believe that. So, I feel stuck between a cock and a hard place, sort of speak, and I am left to my own devices to find out things that I think I already know.

What can I do to regain at least a part of my youthful vigor? Lord only knows, I think. Has my body deteriorated that much in the last few years? God help me, I hope not! What I would give to be able live what I write.

"Medicinal Honesty"

Honesty can be a hard pill to swallow. Often, it can go down the wrong pipe, choking you and taking your breath away. Once you have succeeded in swallowing this horse sized pill, and the pain subsides, you are left wondering “Is it really worth it?” In the long term, it can be beneficial to your health. Stress levels go down; some are not prone to drown their sorrows in substances designed to fog the mind; some are even thoughtful enough to curve the thoughts of ending it all.

Does honesty get you what you want? Not always, but it always gets you what you need. In times past I have lied in order to get what I wanted and it worked for the most part. But what happened, what I did get, I lost. I often wonder about the quote, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.” It causes me to wonder how the lost love was gained in the beginning, or anything else for that matter.

Honesty seems to be less appreciative in these days and times. I get it. I know how dishonesty can be so addictive when you get what you want all the time. But what I can’t understand is why some folks just don’t get it that honesty can get you what you need; realizing it’s what you wanted in the first place…it just takes longer…and you get to keep what you receive. Maybe it’s the times in which we live, disposable times.

I have learned to take honesty seriously, like a daily vitamin. My heart beats stronger, my eyes see more clearly, I have more energy, and my mind has less confusion. I just feel better all over. It’s getting it down that hurts sometimes. It’s well worth the pain.

"Broken"

I see the words written in your heart; words of an abiding and deep love for someone; playful adoration and deepest longing. You feel it will never end; the love of a lifetime. I can see it; your complete happiness and joy and life is good! My heart is envious of whom your heart rejoices. But it’s welcoming to know that you have this and keep it dear to you.

As time goes by, I see the hurt; the deepest pain second to only losing a child. I hurt for you. I can feel your pain. Not long afterwards, the anger rises to the surface like a new born volcano; burning; engulfing and overwhelming. I never knew I could feel so much anger, so much pain. I understand your confusion as to why; the question that burns in your spirit. This confusion remains for the longest time, long after the pain and anger subsides. All I want to do for you is hold you in my arms and comfort you. Will you allow me this?

"The Rush"

It’s 3:55 pm on a hot, sunny Sunday. My mind has been so active today in spite of the day of the week. Does the mind ever get a day of rest? My thoughts are of you, the one that has my heart but doesn’t know it yet. If you do, you have a very convincing way that says otherwise. You, so beautiful, that no man can resist laying his eyes upon you, and wanting you, some for a few passionate moments, others for a lifetime. I want you forever, nothing more, and nothing less.

My heartbeat increases at the very thought of you, although we have never met. That very heartbeat resonates throughout the universe all of the love I have in store for you, likened to distant drums sending their messages across the prairies, between the mountain tops. My thoughts are of early morning walks, strolls really, taking in the brisk morning air that refreshes the mind so well, and holding your hand as we chat.

The distant drums begin to get louder and more thunderous as I envision you and I wrapped up in bed sheets, making love. My desire for you is greater than the heat of any sun, and pray towards the heavens that I can please you as no one ever has, if making love with you ever becomes a dream come true. My arms are wrapped around you; touching you in warm, soft places, that causes our blood to rise and flow into areas that bring so much beauty to our world together. My mind continues on this journey of love that takes me to heaven and through hell. I can feel every inch of you all at once and the heat is intolerable, yet so welcomed. I explore your soul as I search for your spirit, to awaken it and feel me. And you do. Our movements are as an ocean of pleasure teaming with life abundant. Our only desire is to be the creator, the designer of our new world and we have a blank canvas at our fingertips.

Suddenly we explode together, as a quasar giving birth and I paint your velvet canvas with all of the colors of the rainbow while you accompany me in the spreading of these beautiful colors we see. My thoughts are calm now. I am wrapped up in you and you in me; our lips touching; our eyes closed. My mind drifts off to the place I had just left, savoring every second.

My heartbeat slows and I fall in your arms so warm and tender. I can hear it as my head rests upon your breast, or is it mine? You drift asleep as I watch you breathe, as I watch serenity wash over you. I pull you close to me and I close my eyes for the final time and I drift away into my secret world in which you frequent in my lonely times. Quite the rush!

"Déjà Vu"

I was about fourteen years old when my sister and her family had returned from Anchorage, Alaska. With all the excitement of their home coming, they wanted to show everyone a home movie of their trip home and of the beautiful countryside as they drove the however many miles it was for them. While sitting there watching this movie, I kept thinking to myself, “This scenery is so very familiar to me”. I had a very strong feeling deep within my soul that I had been there before. The strangest thing was that I hadn’t. I had only been out of state a few times and that was to drive across the river into Oklahoma to get alcohol for my Grandfather. But this overwhelming feeling that I had has remained with me all these years. I often think that I had lived in the Pacific Northwest sometime during a previous life. I have always had a fixation with Seattle, ever since I was even way younger. My curiosity is still strong about that city.

I have these déjà vu experiences from time to time, usually about things that have happened in the past, long forgotten memories maybe. I can’t really say because I can’t remember the events specifically. I just feel I had been there or experienced it before at some time. Maybe these experiences are from dreams I may have had that I never remember upon awakening. All I do know is that is such a weird feeling.

As far as déjà vu, I find it easy to believe that we can certainly have lived a previous life, somewhere in some time, long before the present. I have seen my own son describe things and people he had never met, neighbors actually, that had passed away long before he was even born, but he would describe them to a ‘T’ in detail. This is creepy. How did he know these things? He was never told about these people. They had long been forgotten; sad but true.

I have to give the human spirit the benefit of a doubt when it comes to it living on after we have gone, even to the point of it being reinstated into someone else’s life. Somehow, I feel I have lived in some other time, somewhere in the Seattle area, sometime in the early to mid nineteenth century. I can’t help this, I just feel it strongly. I often wonder if I will live again sometime in the future and how it will be then. Will I be able to travel among the stars and explore new worlds. Sounds familiar doesn’t it? But it is interesting to me, very much so! I can hardly wait to find out.