'What I Would Give To Be Able To Live"

It’s a muggy and warm Saturday morning and the sun is about to make its appearance for the day. After a long night at work, I come home to unwind and find it’s easier said than done. I hear the clock on the dining room wall ticking away the seconds as I write this, louder than usual, because all is so quiet except for my mind. Most of the night was spent on the computer checking e-mails and some socializing with a long time friend. For hours I spend going back and forth from page to page, account to account, watching, hoping for life to appear. Once my friend has retired for the evening, no one seems to be awake but me. That’s my loneliest time; the time when I am by myself, left to think. I try to sleep around five am but I have no success. All I can think about is my loneliness.

This is pretty much my routine over the weekends. During the week, I am so exhausted from work, I find it easy to do what I have done tonight, but in a much shorter time span and then I am off to the land of nod between two and three hours of coming home. Right now, I am wondering how I have gotten into this place; this lonely place. I wonder what it was, the price I paid for it. I know without a doubt it was much too high a price for the return I have gotten.

I think to myself that time is running out. I am getting older by the minute and my body isn’t working like it used to. Yeah, me, the great “Don Juan”, having to admit that he can’t cut the mustard or even churn the butter. I often wonder if I could even make love with a woman without medicinal aids. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I could with them. I have always been told that as long as the desire is there, then there will be no problem. Pfffft…at the moment, I happen to think that it’s all bullshit, but it would certainly be nice to know for sure.

Maybe they were right. Maybe I am right. Maybe the love of this beautiful woman that I can’t stop thinking about is all I need to feel like a man again, at least sexually. I have come to believe that kissing on the first date would deprive me of an anticipation so wonderful and for the most part, I still believe that. So, I feel stuck between a cock and a hard place, sort of speak, and I am left to my own devices to find out things that I think I already know.

What can I do to regain at least a part of my youthful vigor? Lord only knows, I think. Has my body deteriorated that much in the last few years? God help me, I hope not! What I would give to be able live what I write.