"I Wonder If She Remembers?"

This girl from a lifetime ago, does she remember? If so, how much? Probably more than I really care to know. Memories of young love never leave you especially if it ended badly. I found her yesterday on Facebook. I so wanted to invite her to my page there. I wanted to talk with her to see how she is, not because I wanted to renew a spark.

I learned all I needed to know from what she revealed on her page. She has a life and it appears to be a very good one. For that I am so grateful. She deserves it! I felt it wise to leave her be. I think the last thing she needed in her life was for an old asshole of a flame to appear out of nowhere and open old wounds. Thirty three years later, I turn and walk away for the last time but not with tears, as before, and no regrets. She is alright and that’s all I really wanted to know. Question now is, am I ok? Yes, I am.

"Does Time Always Heal?"

I happened upon an old friend today. I say an old friend, but I am probably nothing more than piece of shit to her even today and rightfully so. She doesn’t know I saw her and I’m thinking it should stay that way. There are too many wounds that have yet to heal, I’m afraid, for the both of us. If they have healed, there is a shit load of scar tissue that remains after almost thirty three years, at least for me, and I am pretty sure for her as well.

Every word that I have ever written about relationships started with her, but my words were not always about her. Our engagement, our relationship was the beginning of a lifelong learning process for me and at times I still feel so inadequate, so very ignorant, and I am. We didn’t end very well at all. She was the one I wrote about in an earlier journey entry titled “A Walk to Remember”. Yes, she was the one that, well damn, I have no idea what to say now. Seeing her and visualizing her present life in spite of our past history just blows my mind. But it is something I think I understand and I am not surprised. This is something I will definitely have to think about before I say anything more.

"To Do or Not To Do? That Is The Question!"

Do I make any resolutions for the new year or not? I ask myself that every year while knowing that I won’t. But it is fun to speculate. Most times I am caught between several options or directions to go with. In order for me to even think about any resolutions I would have to look back on the previous year/years to maybe see what I lack or whether or not I have accomplished anything worthy. That in itself is disappointing because I am always in a constant state of mind that “there is always room for improvement here”. That’s not to mention a few times when I did make a resolution or two and ended up in total failure. So, I try not to get into that part of any new year’s celebration. Just let me have my fireworks and a clock and I’m happy!

This year, it isn’t any different than any other. I am tempted. But there is a new feeling about this upcoming year that I haven’t had for quite some time so I am still straddling the fence on it making any. I haven’t ruled it out just yet. I want so very much to have my life back in my own possession, in my own hands. I haven’t had that for a long time and I miss it so very much. And what I mean by that is to be able to independent and self sufficient. I want to be able to take care of myself and I have an opportunity to do that for the first time in a very long time.

This is not new to me. Every year this goal has come to me and I have quietly made this resolution for the new year ahead. Nothing different had changed and disappointment was the rule for the year. I am praying that is far from the norm this time. So, with all this being said, I think I will make at least one New Year’s Resolution (everything crossed; eyes, fingers, toes, arms, legs, and what few hairs I have left) I want to get my book published. I’m not sure how I will get this done, though. I have looked online for how it’s done and I was very surprised at all that is involved in doing so, especially for first time writers like myself. Hell, I’m not even sure if it would even sell. It’s something that I will have to think on very carefully as time passes and very methodically to get it done. It’s my heart’s desire! What more can I say?

"I Wanted To Be A Somebody"

Have you ever wanted to be someone very special; someone that travels the world spreading joy through your talents; living someone else’s dreams? The best part of it all is that you worked your ass off to get to where you are. I mean really worked your ass off. Nothing was given to you on a silver platter. Oh wait, there are a lot of other best parts, like another one would be that you actually love with all your heart what it is you do and it is no longer a work issue. You have fun living this dream. Your work has become your play. Not many of us can say that about our own lives. Or can they?


The young at heart, those years between becoming a boy into a man or a girl into a woman, these years are so full of powerful emotions and mountainous questions. The main focus is spreading your wings to follow your dreams, whatever they may be. Sometimes I think these are the most critical years of anyone’s life. It’s truly the crossroads of life with many directions we may decide on. It’s a smörgåsbord of adventure right in front of us. It’s an exciting time to live! So, why not live?

Last thing I want to mention is the burning of bridges. These decisions can be fruitless if not thought through. Let me throw an ideal at you. The bridges we NEED to burn, we won’t have to. They will have already been burned by whoever it is we may be running from. Yes, I said running from. The rest of these bridges we cross daily….Keep them. You may need them someday.

Young or not so young, go and follow your dreams with vigor and passion! Be mindful. Be patient. Find balance. Never forget that you are a somebody. The world just doesn’t know it yet!

Memoirs of a Geisha Soundtrack-06 Becoming a Geisha

"In Closing"

It’s been five long years, today, of repeated beginnings. I find it amazing how one’s life can change in an instant and without warning. As I look back to that day, I can see the changes I have made and how I have changed. But I also see that I haven’t changed in many ways. Which brings me to the point of asking myself have I really changed at all?

My journey isn’t over by any means. It has only just begun. I have many new discoveries to make, many new roads to travel, and many new directions to ponder. Will I choose the right road? Not all the time, I am sure of that. If I have learned anything at all from the last five years it’s that we don’t always make good choices and we live with these choices, regrettably sometimes. But that’s life.

I have had one relationship in the last five years and it was the worst I had ever been in. It had brought out the worst in me. I never knew I could be so hateful towards anyone and it was an eye opening experience. No, I didn’t act on those hateful thoughts but they were there and that was more than I could handle. Was it all her fault? No, it wasn’t, but it wasn’t all me either. This is another lesson I have learned over the last few years and that’s not to take credit for something you didn’t do but most importantly, NEVER allow yourself to take the blame for something you didn’t do. If you are innocent, fight to keep that innocence and to the death, if need be.

To be falsely accused of something can drive you insane but nothing like accepting that accusation as a part of a life lesson. That in itself is insanity. It will haunt you for the rest of your natural life, robbing you of peace of mind. Have you ever been in a crowd of people, usually known, and someone says, “My wallet is missing!” or something to that effect? Knowing in your heart you had nothing to do with its disappearing but yet you feel guilty and you hope to God that you aren’t asked about it. You sit quietly in silent prayer and hope that no one would think you would do such a terrible act as to take something that isn’t yours. Multiply those emotions a thousand times. That’s what it feels like to actually be falsely accused and multiplying those emotions another thousand times is what it feels like to just let it ride. By God, fight for yourself! You will never regret it, I promise you!

I know that a lot of this book seems like it has nothing to do with what I speak of now. It does, though, all of it, every single word. It’s what has been going on inside my head and my heart throughout all this time. It shows a lot of the mental anguish, stress and how I have chosen to deal with it all. It reveals many a shattered dreams as well as hopes for tomorrow. But I hope, more than anything, it shows a little bit of faith and patience. Those two things I have kept within my soul for all of my life.

God only knows my future. He has given us all the most beautiful gift, the most impressive expression of His love and that is the freedom of choice. I love that about Him! I will make choices, some good, and some bad. I will live through them all, hopefully. I will constantly be reminded of this day when I am faced with a choice to make. I pray I make the right one. My living depends on it. Take care and God bless!

"It's A Step Up!"

It’s December 22, 2010. Tomorrow would be five years to the day that my life changed. I wanted to wait to write about it but I couldn’t. I’m too excited. Maybe this is a day of release from all that has happened since. I think about that day, five years ago, almost every day but through it all I have learned a lot about myself. I have also gotten validation for a few things I wasn’t quite sure of.

I had one goal in mind and it was a pretty broad goal. It was ‘all inclusive’ shall we say. Building a new life was that goal and I was three months into it when it all went to shit in a matter of only a few minutes. I won’t go into details because this isn’t what it’s all about now. It’s all about a new door that has opened and as hard as I have tried not to enter, that door still remains open. I am stepping through that door. Dallas, you may have won a couple of battles but you have yet to win the damn war!

All this time that I have focused on that door, I kept asking myself, “Do I actually deserve this? Am I supposed to be grateful?” Today, actually only a few minutes ago, I had an epiphany. I was on my way to the store for smokes and while driving, I was thinking about this door, this new job and it hit me! “It’s a step up!”

Grateful indeed! There are many other little things and a few other huge things that I am grateful for. But I am so very thankful for the people that had their part in my ‘recovery’. I know that I couldn’t have made it this far without them. If we have met somehow, you are included. We should never take for granted anyone because even the tiniest parts add up to one remarkable result.

"The Full Monty"

Most everyone has either heard of or has seen the British comedy film. The title is British slang for ‘the whole hog” or “the whole lot”, meaning nothing is left to the imagination. That’s what I try to do in my writing. I will use colorful language at times, not necessarily because it sounds tough or manly. My writing reflects how I feel at any given moment about any given subject and my intensions are not to offend anyone at all. It’s just that sometimes one has to say or do the unthinkable in order to get their point across.

All of my writings have dealt with relationships, whether it is God, friends, lovers, family or people in general because that’s what we do. We interact with one another and many times we aren’t aware of who we affect by what we say or do. It’s just how we roll. So, as you read, keep this in mind...I write because it gives me peace of mind and sometimes a little bit of clarity. I won’t always make sense. But fair warning, you will always get ‘the full monty’.

"These Little Discoveries"

For as far back as I can remember my existence, my life, has been embodied by discovery. I think I can safely say that is true for us all. Every little discovery is born of a sense of touch, see, hear, smell, taste, or any combination of the five. The more we discover the more we learn. The more we learn the more we change, or evolve, depending on your own point of view. But in essence, we change.

Nothing can be more exciting than a discovery of some kind. These little discoveries can also leave us with more questions than answers. I think that is part of the excitement, and more often than not, we wonder why we haven’t discovered this sooner. That is the other part of the excitement.

One of the most amazing things about discovery is we can look back in time and be enlightened so it isn’t always the steps forward. Just be mindful of the ‘Oh Fuck! I didn’t know that!’ ones. At any given moment we can make discoveries from any given moment. Those are nice but what about the ones that have yet to reveal themselves, those never experienced? My mind becomes more activated, my senses become, well, more sensitive to every little detail and I want to learn all I can before the euphoria fades, and it does until the next time. You have to appreciate and love these little discoveries!

Tears for Fears - Woman in Chains (live)

Loreena McKennitt - The Old Ways HD

"The Disappointing Satisfaction"

The years pass by. The memories remain strong and true, every single one. Never forgotten are the little things that can be so life changing; the first kiss, the holding of hands, the small conversations, and the many challenges faced. Seldom do these memories flood the mind all at once. They usually come back in much the same way they were made, one moment at a time.

The broken promises, the lies told, the unbearable guilt, the devastating shame, the laughter, the building of lives together, the joys shared, the love that was so young and strong, the ignorance of it all; these attributes of our soul have the ability to mold us if we allow ourselves to become malleable. Some do not afford themselves that malleability. They would rather become hard hearted toward the past and for some, that may be the best thing for them to do. It’s a very personal decision. It can be a very difficult decision.

One is left wondering what is to be regrettable because everything that we have gone through has lead up to where we are, to who we have become. Sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn’t. But have we changed? Do we reflect back and realize how things have changed? Are we disappointed or are we satisfied? Why can’t we be both?

As time moves on it runs out. We begin to see the past with an uncanny clarity, and one of life’s most difficult tasks is to keep the past, present, and future in balance. We attempt to pass on our new found wisdom to those we love and are willing recipients. I suppose that has been one way that I have dealt with my own sins and that has not been such a bad thing, provided I actually learned something of value from them all.

All of my regrets are just that, regrettable. But that doesn’t make them any less valuable. Do I wish to rewind and maybe make better choices? Yes, sure I do. But life doesn’t allow that dream to ring true. I am left with nothing but a step forward into the future, placing these memories on the shelf just within reach of my heart. If by chance those forward steps lead me back in time, I can reach for those certain memories that pertain to those certain moments and think, “I have been here before so what can I do to make it better, this time?”

FLEETWOOD MAC Why

Casting Crowns - Slow Fade (2009 GOSPEL MUSIC AWARD WINNER!)

"The Bottom Line"

Thanksgiving and Christmas, you can’t have one without the other. They are synonymous with one thing, the realization of what one really has to be grateful for, and I speak of from which all blessings flow. That could be from one single spiritual entity or from many, from others folks, from your own doing, or all of the aforementioned. I will leave that up to you as to how you wish to perceive. I can only speak of and from my own perspective.

I have been having difficulties with my faith the last few weeks, months, years. As time has gone by my gratefulness has been overshadowed by my own lack of gratitude. This revelation doesn’t really change how I feel in general. It just doesn’t. This ongoing uncertainty has been going on way too long. But even though situations may not change for the better as we hope for, we should always leave room for what really matters. Surprising to me is that I still have room for just that.

The people closest to me right now, my family, we all have a roof over our heads, we all have a bed to sleep in, and we all have food in the cabinets or pantries. Yeah, a Christmas of any size would be so wonderful but life can be that way at times. I have other family and a few very close friends. I am grateful that they can have a Christmas that they can enjoy and remember for years to come. Each one has made my Christmas just exactly that and I am grateful for each one, very much. That is the bottom line!

"I Am Beginning To Wonder"

I am beginning to wonder if things will ever improve for me. All I want to do at the moment is bitch slap God and ask Him what it is He is waiting for? Deep down I know that isn’t the right thing to do. But my patience is wearing very thin. I have humbled myself. I have swallowed my pride. I have prayed. I have submitted resume after resume, application after application, with no results whatsoever. What more can I do? I have done everything I know to do.

I have been waiting for the congress and senate to pass the unemployment extension bill for days and now that they have, I find out that I am not eligible. I have been on unemployment too long to qualify. I am doing something that isn’t working. I wish I knew what it was

"The Christmas Truce"

An amazing event took place during World War I in December of 1914 in the freezing rain and mud-soaked trenches that flanked the Western Front along the borders of Belgium and France. What began with a row of lighted evergreen trees placed by German soldiers on the parapets of their fortifications culminated in a spontaneous Christmas truce of a magnitude and duration unmatched in the history of warfare. British, French, Belgian, and German troops put down their arms and ventured out into “No Man's Land” to bury their dead, exchange gifts of food, drink, cigars, and souvenirs, share letters and photographs, sing carols, and play soccer. (By Mary Snook-Summit Daily News)

I am always amazed at the story of the "Christmas Truce" no matter who has written about it. It's an inspiring story, in my opinion, matched by no other. Short stories, books, documentary films, movies and even music videos have dipicted this unforgettable event. I was reading yesterday about this and learned there were a couple of German soldiers that had lived through this time of war well past the century mark, 107 and 109. I can only imagine the story they shared in their long life, the memory they had of this time. It tells me that the good of mankind do not wish to go to war. Deep in the hearts of these soldiers was a yearning for peace but more than just a yearning. They brought peace for themselves, if only for a few days.

This is what Christmas is all about. It's peace on earth and good will towards all. It's what we all want. Christmas should be everyday.

"It's Too Early to Tell"

It’s about 6:10 am on a chilly Tuesday morning. It was a very short night of sleep especially after waking up one other time for a pit stop. I’m not sure what time that was then. This is a little out of the ordinary for me. I usually sleep between 7 and 8 hours every night. I’m just not sure what to think. All I know is what’s on my mind when I lay down for the night and when I awaken in the morning. It’s the same thing every single day.

One question always crosses my mind at the beginning and ending of my days and that’s why? Why have I not been able to make any sort of progress in my life the last five years? I know the last few weeks I really haven’t given a rat’s ass about progress but what about all that other times when I did give a shit? It is mornings like this that I really reflect and dig deep into my spirit for the answer. It never seems to come or I am totally afraid of what comes to mind; the answers that I have conjured up on my own.

Progress, what is that? I think about my life in general. I think about the last few years and I wonder why I haven’t been able to find work even if it isn’t “meaningful and interesting”. I think about my own independence and why I can’t seem to have it. I think about my life prior to five years ago when everything changed (although I know some changes I caused by my own stupidity). I wonder where I went so terribly wrong. I think about love and why I keep turning my back on it. I wonder why it seems that God has turned His back on me.

I can’t help but think as you have been reading all of this, you have wondered if there is anything different that would hold your interest any longer, causing you to lay this book down to never finish it, because it’s the “same old shit different day”. Is there a point to my writing all of this down? I don’t really know right now. I really don’t. All I know to say is bare with me. At the moment, I don’t feel so good.

"So Tell Me"

Hey how you doin?

I been betta and you?

So tell me while I’m here

Why you so blue?

I was a bad boy

And my baby said goodbye

My baby, she gone and left me

I’m denyin a reason why

I did somethin I wasn’t sposed to

I broke my baby’s heart

I was with another woman

Now our lives are torn apart

There’s nothin I can do

To make this go away

There’s nothing in this world

That could make her want to stay

So how you doin?

I been betta and you?

So tell me while I’m here

Why you so blue?

I was a bad girl

And my baby said goodbye

My baby, he’s gone and left me

I’m denyin a reason why

I did somethin I wasn’t sposed to

I broke my baby’s heart

I was with another man

Now our lives are torn apart

There’s nothin I can do

To make this go away

There’s nothing in this world

That could make him want to stay

So tell me so tell me

Is there nothing I can say?

So tell me so tell me

How can I help you stay?

So tell me so tell me

Can we go dancing in the rain?

So tell me so tell me

Promise we’ll never do that again

© 2010 Robby J. Ward, Sr.

"The Least Tangible Is Most Valuable"

WOW! I think I will need to give this one some thought before I finalize it.

Last night as I lay down to sleep, I said a prayer, which I haven’t done in a very long time. Hell, I had given up on God because I have felt he had given up on me. I told Him that in my prayer. I told Him I have been wondering why for five long years of why my life had changed so drastically. I was on a path that I needed to be on, wanting to be on. I wasn’t drinking or using drugs. I was going to work every single day and I was doing my job and very well, I might add. I had no ulterior motives for my life. I was just living it and I was happy with the way things were.

It all changed in a matter of minutes and I have been wondering why ever since. I asked God last night, again, why? Of course I never got an answer. I’m not that surprised about that. I feel He has been ignoring me far too long to think that would change. I will continue asking why. I will never cease until I get an answer. I strongly feel I deserve one. I can’t help but feel in my heart that the answer I seek is the least tangible, so I wait patiently. My answer has to be very valuable.

"Afraid to Come Out"

I can’t show my face

I’m so out of place

I’m always wondering how to get back in this race

Life’s thrown me thorns

I’m facing God with scorn

And sometimes I wish I had never been born

Life’s been hard

I’ve had to be a rock

But it seems my will has run out of stock

I’ve not reached you

The last few years

My heart has emptied of all the tears

When will it end

This river of doubt

I’m here in the dark and I’m afraid to come out

When will it end

This ocean of doubt

I’m here in the dark and I’m afraid to come out

These roads I have traveled

So many times before

These all too familiar landscapes

The countless closed doors

The light of day fills my room

Yet I curl up in a ball

As if still in the womb

It’s strength I need to carry on

I reach towards the heavens

Only to find you gone

When will it end

This river of doubt

I’m here in the dark and I’m afraid to come out

When will it end

This ocean of doubt

I’m here in the dark and I’m afraid to come out

© 2010 Robby J. Ward, Sr.

Train - Calling All Angels

"Mirror Mirror On The Wall"

 

Who’s the fa…Wait! Who is that? I have been avoiding the morning mirror lately, afraid to see what I may. My evil twin, we all have one whether we wish to admit it or not, is who I am sure I will see. The dark side, the hidden side, that side that scares you more than any horror film ever could. Those times in public places, and there is a chance of seeing yourself in a reflection, you ache to look but you don’t. Sometimes, in those weak moments, we do glance into that reflection from the corner of our eye, and just long enough for that image to be burned forever into that darkest corner of our mind, ready for that future haunting that is sure to come. One morning, I will eventually look into that mirror and likened to the fog on a mirror, wipe that horrific image clean away, at least temporarily.

Those images are of your present state of mind. Very rarely do we gaze on happy eyes at first glance while thinking of those valleys we have found ourselves in. Only while we are in those valleys do we truly have clarity of how things really are. That doesn’t make any easier to deny. We all do. We all, occasionally have a look, we deny what we have seen and move on until the next time, that time when we really stop, look, and listen.

There are times in our lives when we are so fucked up and we have no idea of who we are in that moment. We waste time in searching for answers that we already have. We even love the self pity. We roll around in that mud pit wrestling with those demons we face. We procrastinate. We are constantly rewinding everything that has threatened us, wondering why..knowing why. A mental illness? Could be. I guess that would depend on how long the procrastinating lasts. I guess it could depend on how motivated you are to wipe that mirror clean, take a good hard look, make changes, and then love yourself again. Yeah! Scary, huh?

"Thanksgiving"

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. The meaning is self-evident. It’s a day of thanksgiving for our many blessings, or gifts, over the past year. For many folks, it can be a day of mixed emotions, torn between being thankful or not, or what to be thankful for or not. I think if any one of us took the time to look back, we all can be torn between the two. But, as with other things in life, it’s all about perspective.

How far back in time do we go to count all of our blessings? Some blessings can be life changing events and can never be forgotten. Some are likened to steam from a tea kettle. Personally, I have been thinking about this certain holiday like I have never done before. There is only one question that comes to mind. What do I have to be thankful for?

I don’t even know where to begin in answering that question, except to say that Thanksgiving is all about family and friends, the interactions and connections we have with each other. I guess this is the root of what Thanksgiving is all about, the gratitude we have for others that have been brought into our lives. It’s not always about the tangible.

"Me and My Big Mouth"

Over the years, I have been known to open my mouth without thinking about what I am saying or how it is perceived. I do get into trouble a lot when I do things like that. All I wish to do is hide until I have forgiven myself for my stupidity and that can sometimes take a while. Sometimes, I wish I could be instantly bitch slapped. It makes the pain go away so much faster. I would rather be punished by someone other than myself.

To hurt someone’s feelings is intolerable to me. But I do it from time to time, without thinking. It’s always too late and the pain has been inflicted. That’s when I want to hide. That’s when I feel less than I really am. I absolutely hate some of the things I do or say when it comes to others.

"Fantasy or Dreams?"

Have you ever really been so lost that you think you will never be found? And you want something so bad but you have no idea what it is? The moments of your life turn into hours, days, weeks, months, and then years of irretrievable time. It’s gone. All that time is wasted. The most disturbing thing is that you have no idea what happened and you are definitely left asking only one question, why? It’s a sad state of affairs the way our lives sometimes turns in directions that you never see coming. It’s fast forward from that moment on until you find the courage to push the pause button or the reach to do so.

Every single night my mind goes into this dark world where nothing but the end pears around every corner. I was awakened after dozing off just recently, and suddenly, thinking I had just actually physically died. It was so real, I felt my blood stop flowing through my veins and begin to settle. It was peaceful, euphoric. The only anxiety I felt was the want to feel it again and couldn’t. How sad is that? Once I was awake, truly awake, I was happy to be alive. Now, all I want to do is live!

Maybe I do have a clue as to what I want, and it’s something that I haven’t had in a very long time. It’s a culmination of many things, really, all rolled up into one neat little package. I am exhausted from all of the pretending, this roll playing of happiness along with the positivity. Is it silly, though? Is it silly to pretend to have a life that is satisfied? I suppose it is to a point. When you lose sight of your dreams and they become no more than a fantasy is where the danger lies. Complacency is never a good train of thought and that’s what happens. You become a puppet and no one is pulling the strings, not even your own hands. The motivation fades into that dark place that your mind goes to in the night and you close your eyes to sleep.

I am not alone in my world, but I am lonely. I have friends but I have no friend who is also my lover. My heart is full yet void at the same time. My spirit cries every moment. My soul seems lost. But I am alive. I am awake. I will again lie down tonight and my mind will go to where it always goes. I will fall asleep, believe it or not, peacefully. I will dream. I will hopefully awaken to a new day. The day dreams of living will fill my mind. I will continue to go forward in time, reaching for that ever elusive pause button when I want to cherish a moment or two. Someday, somehow, my dreams will come true.

sarah mclachlan - unchained melody mv

"A Little Out of Character?"

I haven’t quit decided just yet as to my being out of character or not. I am fifty-five years old. I am currently unemployed. I have what remains of my last paycheck in my pocket and that’s going for the rent tomorrow. I am now stoned to the bone in spite of all this distorted animosity from life in general. Now, tell me if you can, can one make anything positive from this oxymoron of events?


Right now, I could give a rat’s ass, ya know? Don’t get me wrong, ok? I do realize that my actions do come back and bite me on the ass. This music I am listening to is kick-ass; Switchfoot-“Meant to Live”. The only thing I wish for myself is for everyone to allow me to think things through in my own way. I’m intelligent. I’m not always smart but I can do this. Ah! Staind and “It’s Been a While”. Ok, sorry, I got off track.

A very wise man once told me that, “Character is doing the right thing even when no one is watching.” Whether he was true to definition or not, he made a lasting impression. It’s so very true that you may forget the particulars of certain folks, but you never forget how they made you feel, learn, and grow. I couldn’t tell you one thing about who this man was or looked like but I never forgot what he said.

I and God alone should be the judge of my character, not anyone else, just as I treat you the same, respectfully. It just makes good sense. I get through my trials and tribulations by only the grace of God, nothing else. My heart is pure in spite of my actions. Is that a little vain for you, a little bit arrogant? I hate to disappoint you but there isn’t one human being on God’s green earth that isn’t vain or arrogant. It doesn’t mean that it’s bad. It’s just the way we are. And I wouldn’t be anyone else besides me. Indifferent as it may seem, I love who I am. I just don’t like some of the things I do.

Being a little out of character is just that. It’s a temporary change of a time and you can’t rewind it. Not all of our trials are self imposed. We are not always victims of our own doing. They just happen. Regardless of the reason why, I know without a doubt, I will get through it all. When is a different story, but it is also not relevant. The character you grew up with is the same one you grow old with.

"Winds of the Mind"

An open mind. Endless possibilities. Untold stories. Countless memories. Battles of good versus evil go on and on through time eternal. Close your eyes and allow your mind to take you away to faraway places, meeting new faces and learning names along the way. Maybe even naming them yourself. It’s beautiful, this place in your mind where daydreams become real enough to utilize all of the senses and feel all of the emotions.


You can make new friends, battle new enemies, and even experience love and heartache. The mind is a wonderful tool to have on your side. It’s simple yet complex. There’s nothing like it in the world. You may have many queries about the world outside the mind and find many of the answers inside of it. To exercise the mind is vital to actually living. Life can be full of so many things, like the mind, yet the mind can give you the ability to cope.

No one can learn about living very well all by themselves. Yes, the bare-bones essentials can be learned. But is that really living? Listen to the stories of others. Read them with passion. Soak them up like a sponge that has no limitations as to the volume that can be held within. Do others the same favor that has been done for you. Tell your stories. Never close your mind to the outside.

"Pondering the Possibilities"

It’s a very cool and wet Tuesday afternoon. It’s my second day off since Sunday and it looks like I will have many more before it’s all said and done. My last assignment ended Sunday is why I actually have time off and my ‘pimp’ doesn’t have any thing for me as of yet as far as an income producing job. I called to set up my unemployment today and was basically told, “You’re fucked!” So, now I sit here pondering the possibilities of a future. It doesn’t look good. I have two options as of this moment. I could sit here and feel sorry for myself or I could be positive. Hmmm….eenie-meenie-minie-mo…Which direction do I wish to go?

"A Reason for Everything Under the Sun"

There is a reason for everything under the sun. From broken hearts or shattered dreams to better than expected endings, there is a reason for it all. Time can only provide the revelation for any answers you may seek sometimes. Things don’t always go as planned or your way, no matter how hard you try or how much heart you may invest in it. The sad truth is that we are all at the mercy of others of greater power and they have control of at least part of our lives. The decisions they make have a profound impact on us and we find we have to change our direction.

"A Righteous Man"

I’m not always sure that I am, but this morning I allowed myself the opportunity of a prayer by simply asking forgiveness for my sins and for my needs to be met. There was no since into going into great detail. Besides, I have no idea what my needs are, at the moment, in detail. I ask myself if I am a righteous man and if my prayer will be answered. It was a simple act of faith so I have no doubt.

"The Sheep in Wolf's Clothing"

Sort of a strange way of putting this old metaphor, isn’t it? There is always a different way of looking at things; another side of the coin. We all have heard the reversal of this and we all understand it’s meaning, but what about turning it around one hundred eighty degrees? What then? What do you think? What about the folks who are true to this metaphorical life style? Do we count them out from the beginning? Can they exist? Hell, do they exist?

I speak of those people who are outwardly and brutally honest. Most would think it is pure arrogance (and sometimes it is) that drives their personalities. Some even fear them and most fears are caused by the lack of knowledge and/or understanding. We fear what we don’t know. On the inside, these rare gems truly care and they can be the gentlest of human beings you can ever meet. It only takes time and an open mind to see this.

I have the utmost respect for these wonderful people. It takes an astounding amount of courage to be as they are. I have no clue as to why they are the way they are. More than likely it is a culmination of many experiences that has taught them that it is the right thing for them to be. If one is confronted by one of these rocks of truth and is troubled by what they may say, again, more than likely, there is a reason for that. They have a knack of stirring the soul and uplifting the spirit, if they are allowed to.

So, I say, allow them to. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Open your mind to new ideas and wisdoms that may come your way. Who knows? You may learn a thing or two about your own self. Allow yourself to get a closer look inside the heart and mind of this sheep in wolf’s clothing.

"When Is It Gonna Become Ok To Be Myself?"

My son posted this question on his Facebook wall early this morning. I think it is a question everyone of us has asked ourselves at one point in our own lives and quite possibly more than once. Ridicule and condescending attitudes towards each other is a major cause for asking ourselves this question, along with our own lack of knowledge of who we really are and who we are wanting to become is another.

The truth is we know who we are by our own beliefs or convictions. We live by these beliefs and convictions because we learn them from our own experiences. These experiences we go through cause us to re-evaluate and make changes. Change is inevitable and to change for the better is necessary for true growth. It’s all a part of growing up and I think none of us really ever grow up because we never stop learning until we leave this earth.

People, they are all around us and there is no getting away from them. But we do have a choice of who we desire to be around us. Surround yourself with those who truly accept you as you are, but will never lie to you, even if the truth is harsh. But remember the truth is in the heart of the beholder. What truth that may pertain to someone else, may not to you. Surround yourself with those who will build you up and help you to make those changes for the better. It’s good for the spirit. It’s good for the soul.

"Taking A Day Off"

I decided to take a much needed day off from work. It’s October 7th and the last day off I have had was September 5th. Yesterday was a bitch of a day and I was afraid that if I had gone to work today, someone would lose their job; probably me. I remained pissed off most of the night last night and I just didn’t want to deal with that this day.

I really do not enjoy being treated like some child who needs to be told more than once what needs to be done. I realize the pressures that can come with being management and that getting the job done is priority one. But to not show some respect to those who management actually depends on to get the job done just doesn’t make sense. I believe it is detrimental to achieving the goals that have been set forth. “You can get more from a horse with sugar than you can salt.”

When I am at work, my work is what I think about. I don’t fuck off, especially when fucking off is not an option. I take pride in my work in that if I can’t put my name on it, then why bother doing it in the first place? I have always been that way. I guess I am a perfectionist, but that’s just me.

I work my ass off every day I work. And to be treated as I was yesterday after working so long without time off and giving my best…well, I just don’t give a rat’s ass how things go for them today. I just don’t. They can survive without me for one day, I think. I come so very close to telling this person who was so disrespectful towards me what I really thought of her. But, I held my tongue. This is twice now that this has happened from this same person. It also happened three times from one other person. The third time, I let him have it. He and I now have come to an understanding and we get along just fine. This other person has one more time.

"Sticks and Stones"

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” It’s a childhood phrase for the most of us; a self-defense mechanism to help ease the pain of hurtful words, because words do hurt, deeply. Although I know it shouldn’t, it still amazes me how adults can spew out words that cause the deepest pain possible, especially to those they “love or care about”; how judgmental they can be towards others without the slightest attempt at looking into the mirror or remembering how these others have been there for them in the past.

"Letting Go"

Letting go of someone who has your heart is the most painful experience one can go through, even more painful in knowing that it can never be. I sit here, gazing into nowhere, and I see my heartbeat in the corner of my eye through the tear drop that slowly rolls down my cheek. Yes, it hurts but it has to be done. It’s never always about you.

"My Time, My Life"

My home is not a mansion on a hilltop. It's a seedy hotel suite that’s been converted into an apartment of sorts. I haven’t had a permanent address in five years. I don’t eat at the finest restaurants. My meals consist of some fast foods when I can afford it and cold-cuts sandwiches with no lettuce or tomato. But I work for everything I have.

What I do own, I can haul in the back of my Jimmy. It’s been a most trusted friend the last four years so I try my best to keep it maintained and healthy. It’s the most valuable thing I do own. It has taken me across many state lines and back again. I have added 100,000 miles to it since I bought it and it is paid for. I hope I will be able to make it last at least another 100,000 miles before it gives up the ghost. If it makes 300,000 miles, I will be happy to retire it.

I am alone. I have very few true friends but that’s all I have ever needed. So, I am not lonely. They accept me as I am and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. I do have my youngest son with me temporarily, until he can make it on his own. But I will always be there for him as well as his older brother. My youngest has been my project for quite some time now. I feel at times that I am raising myself with him. He has followed just about every footstep I have ever taken when I was at his age.

My life is and has been in limbo for a long time now. Maybe it’s the unfinished business that I have and have yet to discover that keeps it that way, like my youngest son. I sometimes wonder about that; why? My wants and needs have become second place in so many ways and at so many times the last few years. But that’s ok, I reckon. It’s what fathers are supposed to do.

But I do want my time, my life. God knows I do. I want love. I want a relationship with someone. I am tired of being alone, of being single. I don’t want to be alone in these latter years of my life and I am not getting any younger. What’s left of my “youth” is fading fast. If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself, you know?

One day, I will wake up every morning next to the woman of my dreams. At least I hope I do. Just one wonderful woman is all I want for my life. I want a permanent address. I want, not a mansion on a hilltop, neither do I want to remain in a seedy hotel room. I want a home, not a house. My prayers are simple; for simple things. Wealth has always escaped me so I have no real desire for that. Just a simple life with someone that I love and that loves me equally in return is all I desire.

"Bent or Broken?"

It’s about 1am on a Monday morning and I am relaxing for a little bit before retiring for the night and I got to thinking after reading an e-mail. Yeah, I do think from time to time. A wonderful friend spoke of being broken, metaphorically, and I couldn’t help but think about that word and the context in which it was spoken. Broken! Wow, what can one say about this word? I understand completely what my friend was saying, and I understand why. We know enough about each other’s history to be able to understand each other and that’s a very good thing.

So, bent or broken? Which one depicts a more profound message? Both have this and both are an example of positive thinking so the answer would be left to the individual, I reckon. But as friends do, we lift each other up as high as we can. We share our experiences and sometimes, fearfully, because of what someone else may think, even some of our closest friends. That’s just raw human nature and not much, if anything, can change that. To be accepted in spite of it all is inherent in all of us. We all crave that.

So, in my thinking that I do from time to time, I try to think outside the sphere because there is always more than one way look at things and I strive to be more positive; not to feel superior in any way because I selflessly share these ideas and my closest friends know my motives. Again, that’s a very good thing. I share my ideas and sometimes, someone might agree and even when we don’t, we still accept that that’s just the way it is and that’s so cool to me. That’s so much more than a token friendship. Damn, that’s a lot of “that’s” in that paragraph.

Now, I got off track so back to the subject. I like to think being bent is to be just that, only bent, and you can “mold” yourself back into shape again and even allowing ones who give a real shit to help in that reforming. This doesn’t mean I am the only one right. It means that being broken can be just as right and just as profound. It’s all in how you look at things once you have experienced and reflected on your own life experiences.

"Suicidal"

I understand that this is a rather morbid subject to have on my mind tonight, but that’s just how my mind works. It’s a troublesome and heart wrenching subject and it’s not for everyone to read about. But what causes me to have it on my mind is a song that I have known of for over twenty years now. The title of the song is “For Annie”, performed by Petra. It’s about the suicide of a girl, but you would have to listen to the song to really get the story and context of its meaning. It’s in the contemporary gospel genre of music. I love the group and their music but this particular song really bothers me. Allow me to explain why. But first, let allow me to say that I, in no way shape or form, condone nor think that suicide is an answer to any problems one may have and that we all should look for the signs in hopes of stopping such a tragedy to happen.

The purpose of the song is to get the word out that suicide does happen and that there is something we could say or do to prevent it from happening. But, what I have a problem with is that it focuses too much on Jesus and his love for human kind and that he cares. There’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself. I am a born again Christian. But I think the song takes away the real issue and you can hear that in the lyrics. “Momma has her meetings. Daddy has his job.” In other words, the parents were so wrapped up in their own lives and left no time for “Annie”. That is what bothers me most. The chorus goes like this, “You’ve got to her Jesus loves her, Jesus really cares.” It seems to me the parents should be telling “Annie” that they love her and that they care.

It tells a story that “Annie” may have died and gone to hell because no one told her of Jesus Christ. I simply can’t accept that. I can’t help but wonder and feel that “Annie” already knew of His love and she knew that He cared and that is the reason she did what she did, to be with someone who does love her and does care, because she felt her parents didn’t.

I really have issues with those who pretend to know the hearts of others, even those closest to them, especially when religion or spirituality comes into play. The heart is something that only God knows and no one should be so arrogant to think otherwise.

I don’t pretend that I am the perfect parent. But I do thank God that both of my children do have their place at the dinner table with Jesus Christ. I don’t take credit for this. But I know in my heart that showing them and telling them that I loved them every day and every chance I had, give them the direction they needed to seek Gods only begotten Son. They are my children but that certainly does not give me the right to say what’s in their heart and what they believe to be true for themselves.

Who really knows the heart of a person who has decided to end their own life? Yes, they sometimes leave messages but they very rarely reveal the true heart of that person, not the deepest parts where only God knows. Truth be known, there will more than likely be more do-badders in heaven than do-gooders. My point is who is to really say?

I know of two family friends who have actually ended their own life. First it was the Father, a widower, and a few months later, it was his own son. There is no way on God’s green earth I am going to set here and say that these two are going to hell because of what they did. It’s not my place nor is it anyone else’s. Judging others is something that we should not do. We can never know the true heart. What goes on between God and every individual is very sacred and very private and most of us keep it that way for a reason.

Suicide is not a good thing. But assuming what’s in the heart of others is just as bad..

Billy Joel - Keeping The Faith

"The Most Difficult Thing"

Here lately, I have had the most difficult time dealing with issues of family and how that relationship should be. You would think that family members are the ones you could depend on in times of difficulty and hardship and for the most part, that’s true. But they can also be the ones you can’t depend on. It can be like “I scratch your back, you stab mine”.

It’s not the first time this has happened to me, though. Several times I have been screwed in some way by a family member and it’s a very painful thing and you are left thinking, WTF? I wish I knew the answers as to why this sort of thing happens but I don’t. My guess is that they will automatically assume that they will be forgiven for their transgressions against you, or they really don’t give a shit about you. It’s a selfish and arrogant thing either way you look at it. The truth is, you normally forgive them in time and move on. But that still doesn’t make it easier to experience or accept.

I love my family with all of my heart no matter what. I can’t live my life dwelling on what they may say or do to me that hurts. All I know to do is to forgive and in time, forget. Maybe I am naïve in thinking that they will learn from what has been done and not do it again. I know I couldn’t and never have been able to live with myself knowing I have done something towards or used a family member in any way. If I borrow, I give or pay it back and I am honest in letting one know exactly when they can expect pay back. It’s a matter of treating others the way you wish to be treated. You may not always be treated likewise but it’s good for the spirit knowing you have done it yourself and that’s what really matters.

"Friendship"

This word has or should have meaning. And probably, it has different meaning and depth to each of us. Some people confuse acquaintances with friends. Some folks have a great many friends and that is all well and good. And some have only a handful of friends and I can reasonably say that is true of just about everyone. We all have ‘buddies’. But do we all have true friends? I certainly hope so.

Personally, I have quite a few acquaintances and only a handful of true friends. I have even less than a handful of best friends, those wonderful folks I can be my true self with and not have shame. In fact, I can safely say that I have had only three or four best friends. One I haven’t seen in over thirty five years. He was my best friend at that time of my life. He was my running buddy. He was my roommate. I could be myself and laugh at myself with him.

I have only about three who I can truly say are my best friends in this time of my life. One has been my best friend for over twenty years now. Another has been my best friend for almost six years. We still get together and shoot the shit, talk about one another’s problem of the day. I have met one here a few months ago who is destined to be one of my closest friends. They all have one thing in common. I fell in love with all of them in the beginning and I even married one of them, twice. But I have learned to nurture our friendships and make them last until I take my last breath. It takes, above all else, honesty and trust. It takes patience and it takes a willingness to look in a mirror every once in a while and realize that you can only judge yourself. It is an endless acceptance of whom they are and who you are. It takes love at the highest level for them and yourself.

I love each of my best friends equally yet differently, and that’s because they are different in their own right. They accept me for who I am in spite of knowing all there is to know about me. They understand me probably better than I understand myself.

"This Song In My Heart"

I woke up this am and the second thought or thing that came into my mind was a song. I can’t even remember what my first thought was so it wasn’t as near as important as this song and I have been awake now for almost forty minutes and it’s still there. I was raised as a child in the Christian faith. My Mom, being a single parent, would wake us younger kids up every Sunday morning and take us to church. I say single parent because it does have relevance here. God was all she knew that she could depend on in helping to take care of the ten children she had at that time. It has been the same for me a great many times in my own life, as well.

This is something I really don’t talk about much, my spirituality, but I do try to live my life as a good Christian. I remember accepting Jesus Christ as a child. I think I was about nine years old but I remember it like it was yesterday. Yeah, I know and understand that nine years old is a little young and understanding what one does at that age, especially giving your heart to God, can be misunderstood. Looking back, it is only a childlike faith, which is something I haven’t had in a long while now.

With all that is going on in my life, I have really needed something to hold on to. My faith has been challenged to the core and it has wavered somewhat, so when I was given this song this morning, I was taken back a bit and I wondered, “God, could this be You giving me some hope?” Well, of course it is! “It is no secret what God can do. What He’s done for others, He can do for you.” That is the song, the lyrics that is running through my mind and, hopefully, enveloping my heart.

I once had a conversation with a pastor I had met while living in the Dallas area. He and I had met on occasion to chat about what was going on in my heart and my mind. He just seemed like someone I could actually trust and put everything out there on the table without ‘preaching’ to me, and he was that type of a pastor, a friend he was indeed. The last time we talked, I had told him of my issues of organized religion and of how I didn’t depend on God for the things I could do for myself. I have a mind that is mostly clear and a body that is pretty healthy for my age and I could do most anything I set my mind to do and I have always believed that this was a gift from God, so I used it to the best of my ability. I guess what I mean by all this is I very rarely asked God for something I already had. He suggested I begin to depend on God for even the littlest of things, mainly to not allow myself to forget where my gift had come from and to let God know that He is still being acknowledged for all I have been given.

Did I take it to heart what this wonderful man had told me? Not really. I let my pride take first place because I just couldn’t bring myself to think that I couldn’t do anything without God’s help. I usually waited until I would be confronted with something that was much bigger than I or something I had no control over.

Even through all this time that has gone by and through my denying God His credits, He is still with me. I am so thankful for this and I believe with all my heart that God knows this. With a tear in my eye I humbly recognize where my strength lies and that I can’t do it all without God’s help. For the moment, He is all I have.

"My Sunrise and Sunsets"

My sunrises are special to me in many ways. First, it's a brand new day for me; one I have never lived before. Second, It would mean that I have awakened next to you after a peaceful nights rest, in your arms, and sometimes resting in your arms after the sweetest lovemaking I have ever known. It's our time, our quiet time together, except for the sounds of lovers in love. The whispers of "I love you" in one anothers ears, before, during , and after is pretty much all we hear. It's the time we share that on one can take away nor should be shared even with our closest friends. It's our private time.

My sunsets are just as special when shared with you, the one I love without shame or boundaries...it's an unlimited love. It means I or we have put in our days work to provide the needs of the day and a few wants along the way. To lie with you along a beach and watch the sunset over the horizon is an absolutely beautiful dream for me and to make love while this miracle we take for granted happens...WOW! Or to sit together on a patio high above the valley below and watch the sun set over the mountains or rolling hills, drinking what ever we choose to have, diet pepsi or coffee. We would quietly chat about the day and plan for the morrow. The colors in the partly clouded sky would have vibrant oranges and yellows with a little fiery reds in between. We might even get out the sleeping bag made for two and cuddle and well,,,make love with each other.

They are both special in their own way for they have meaning to our life together; together being the key word. I miss you!